his victim

For the past decade I have often felt like God's victim. While I never really wanted to admit it or ponder it for long periods of time I often believed that God was theoretically "for me" but also standing on the sideline as I ran by sticking His foot out and tripping me as I approached the goal line.

If something didn't work out like I had hoped, thought or anticipated I would say things like, it must not be God's will, when initially I really had thought it was His will. I felt so confused. While the embarking was for sure God's will the failure to arrive at the destination only proved to be something chaotic and discouraging. I left with His approval, but somewhere along the way those orders seemed to change because I never made it to where I thought I was going.

What could I do? I couldn't just cuss Him out. I couldn't turn my back on Him. I couldn't blame Him. No, I did nothing. I just accepted the change in course as some mystery that I couldn't know and let the disappointments and discouagments continue to pile up and like trophys place them on a shelf of brokenness and misery.

What a terrible place to be. It was like being friends with someone who to everyone else is a great and fantastic person but to you is just plain mean. And when in a crowd smiling and loving everyone looks at you with that evil cruel scowl.

It has been hard to live under this mental framework. It has been hard to believe that I am his chosen victim. It has been painful and heart breaking.

But recently that has changed. The disappointments in life, the failed arrivals, the changed orders were not directed by God, they were my own acts of self sabotaging. God never changed His plan of victory for me. God never changed the destination and while running down the sideline He never stuck his foot out to trip me. In fact He has been on my side the entire time, giving me new direction, new instruction each time I self destruct.

No, He wasn't against me, it was me opposing me. It was this internal framework that just could not accept, believe and truly embrace His promise of life and victory. Maybe I just thought so poorly of myself that I could not accept His viewpoint. I think my personal hate and dislike was then projected onto Him. Its hard to think others see you any differently then you see yourself (God included). And if I didn't really like me then I was sure no one else could. That internal thought eventually destroys the most competent and able plan or person who tries to oppose it.

I was always told that self esteem is bs and not really God based. How wrong were the teachers of old. How ignorant. For I have found it impossible to embrace someones like or enjoyment of me (God included) when I found myself to be such a disappointment.

I look out on life today with a new perspective. I see a future experiencing the promises of God not just hoping for them from a distance. I see a life full of the abundance that is my true inheritance as His child. I see a life bent on overcoming. I see a life destined to victory. I see a life of grace fill accomplishment. I see a life experiencing the possible that comes from the impossible. I see God and me happy.

Predictable God

The norm seems to be, if it can't be explained, if it is mysterious, if it is unexpected, and lacks comprehension then it must be God. However, if I can give reason, support with science or demystify something, then God must not be the reason. It's as if explaining a miracle or some "random" act of God is like magic. The trick has us intrgiued and believing as long as we can not explain it. But once we know the "secret" of the magic trick it is no longer that impressive.

I don't want to approach God only through mystery and ignorance. If I know the trick behind the magic, He is no less God and He is no less glorified. If I can predict and repeat miracles it doesn't make God any less God.

We tend to think that more faith is required to be ignorant. If I learn then somehow I no longer can have faith. Not true. God is still God whether I understand or not. Why do we somehow think that modern medicine is any less a miracle for healing than Jesus waving His hand over us. God created the possibility...and we can tap into that possibility, that is pretty miraculous. So whether God's provision comes from a neighbor or an employer, it is still God - He is still doing what He does.

As long as we have breath there will be something mysterious about God and what He has created and how He did it. We will be forever discovering and that discovery should only increase our pleasure and awe of God not diminish it.

viral

Viruses are a very unique microorganism. They are in a classification all on their own. They dont have the same machinery that bacteria and other little critters have. For the most part virus's are tiny little machines of death whose sole purpose is to multiply and take over. They are simple structures whose appearance is almost alien like. Some look like flying saucers and others like lunar landing modules who organic design is freakishly similar to something out of NASA.

They work by docking with our cells. Now you would think that our cells would recognize the apparent threat and oncoming invasion but the biometric security system that ours cells have is bypassed by this intruder because it knows and contains the code needed for the cell to view this enemy as a friend and as a result no only allows passage but facilitates it. Once inside the viral brains break out of its protective shell. We call it DNA or RNA...but you could call it a thought or new code because what it does is it inserts itself into the brain of the cell and tells it to start making more viral components. At this stage the cell no longer can differentiate between what it should be doing and what it is now being commanded to do. As a result it produces hundreds and thousands of new virus that organize and rebuild in the cell. When the cell can no longer contain the virus the viruses explode out killing the host cell.

A simple viral thought inserted into the complex machinery of our cells kills em all. Some thoughts are like viruses. Small ideas that trespass into our minds. We think we created them. They are familiar to us. Their bio metric composition doesn't cause us to raise any red flags or sound any alarms. Our security force is left unaware of the invasion. They insert themselves into our regular pattern of thinking and soon destroy us or hurt others.

The effect of a virus can be seen in our body. HIV, herpes, influenza, rabies, and adenovirus all can be seen once the infection is full bloom. The same is true of viral thoughts. They usually come in the form of relationship failure or self destruction. Do you have the wisdom to recognize that you are infected. Do you have the ability to recognize that something is wrong with you? Can you see that you are not the same? Most people don't. They just learn to live with the parasite in them taking medication to help curb the effects and give them hope or one more day of life.

Regular antibiotics can't kill a virus. It takes some serious special medication to eliminate them, but even then they don't always leave. Vaccines are created to help build immunity to the pathogens (but that's another topic).

In the end the first line defense is the recognize the invaders with thoughts like...that thought just came to me...or all of the sudden I thought this...

Second line of defense is to see the signs of its effects and seek someone (like a counselor or physcologist or pastor) to help you summon your military to attack and destroy.

Our thought life must be guarded with intention and purpose.

loves power

Love is a power that gives life. It fills. Love is a tangible force. Love is an energy that enables us to do more than we could ever imagine. Love makes the impossible possible. It changes who we are and how we act. It changes how we see life. It alters how we see ourselves. It strengthens, builds hope, and delivers substance.

Jesus is love. He is a power that changes lives. He changes me. This love is a greater force than fear. Fear is loves competition. Fear feeds off ignorance and false beliefs. Fear alters our reality by imposing its view and subjecting us to its world. Fear opposes love. Love is such a much stronger force that even small amounts of it alter reality.

I am a catalyst for love to work miracles in peoples lives. If I posses love and am changed by its force, then love will bind itself to me and be released from me for others to experience.

Do I see it? Do I get it? Not fully. But today I am starting to taste and understand. What makes me overcome? Love. What gives me hope? Love. What enables me to push forward? Love.

There is a mind body connection that science has yet to fully understand. Love changes our health. Love changes my DNA. Love changes my cells. Love changes me physically. While we do not have the tools to fully explain this, we can see the results of loves effect.

Love builds hope. Love calls that which is unseen into existence.

praying again

After my fast last year I had a very hard time praying. I just didn't understand why I needed to pray if my Father knows and sees everything I want, need, and will need. As much as I tried I just couldn't bring myself to pray without ending that prayer with, "Well, you already knew that." I hate doing things that seem futile. I hated thinking I was just babbling off some petty wish list while God twittled His thumbs wondering when I was going to get to the good stuff. It has been a very frustrating year. To start it off with some amazing time of fasting and closeness with God and then to end it wondering what the hell.

I start my prereqs for med school next week. Knowing I would have a pretty heavy load, 16hrs, and a full time job, I decided to start studying early to kind of front run the load. As I read my physics book I was fascinated by Newtons laws.

First law: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force.

Second law: The acceleration a of a body is parallel and directly proportional to the net force F and inversely proportional to the mass m, i.e., F = ma.

Third law: The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear.

This third law really hit me. Newtons laws not only explain physical phenomenon but they also explains spiritual truths as well. There is a force that opposes me. There is a God who is for me, there is an enemy that is against me. Prayer isn't about imploring the hand of God. Prayer is not about getting God to take notice. Prayer is not about hoping I am seen and noticed. Prayer is God's way of creating power to overcome evil, strength to overcome obstacles, and force to overrun the enemy. His promise is that we are more than overcomers. We have more energy than the evil one, than the obstacles present, than any excuse to fail. We have been given power by the Holy Spirit.

Do you get it. We have been given the ability to generate power. We have been given FORCE, ENERGY, to run over the opposing force that stands against us. Jesus told us to pray with faith. Faith is confidence with what is unseen and hope for what we expect. Faith builds power to overcome what we currently see and experience in life. Faith enables us to steamroll forward. Jesus said that anything is possible to him who believes. I have never understood that. I never got why it was always placed on my shoulders. It is not the lack of God working, it is that there is an opposing force that hinders us.

An angel told Daniel that when he began to pray he started to come to him but was thwarted but as Daniel prayed the angel was able to overcome. You see prayer builds power and force that enable us to overcome the opposing forces in our lives.

Our current reality can change. But we must have faith and confidence in what is unseen. As we pray in faith and hope. That unseen becomes what is seen and replaces what we currently know as reality. Have vision, have hope. See something else. You don't have to deny what is today. But you don't have to believe it will be your tomorrow.

Prayer builds power. Faith builds force. Belief brings energy.

God is already for us. So prayer is not about converting Him, convincing Him, or recruiting Him to be for us. He already is. And He has given us the tools we need to live victorious lives.

I am praying again. I pray different. I know that God is for me so I don't beg and plead. I pray with faith and hope.

gravity

Newton discovered the law of gravity that states... that Force equals Gravity(a Mass x b Mass)/(distance of A Mass to B Mass)squared...

F=G(m1*m2)/r^2

In other words...there is a force that pulls two objects together. The bigger the mass of one object the bigger the pull.

No wonder man since his inception has been inquisitive, pondering, and thinking about God. Our curiosity is the precursor to the discovery of truth. Every human being is drawn to God...they just may not have gained an understanding about this force to be able to interact with it yet.

Force = G (God*me)/distance from me to God....God is here and that is why I am attracted to Him. Force works both ways...God is also attracted to me.

That is amazing.

finally

It has taken me longer than others. I think some people just get it earlier in life. I think some people have foresight and understand that their choices today affect their life tomorrow. It has taken me nearly 37 years to come to the realization that I will probably live the result of my choices for the next 50 years. Maybe it was foolishness, or blindness, or just plane ignorance but I never really believed I would live a long life. The result was quick thoughtless ventures with the hopes of ease and comfort. Bugger.

Maybe it is something about midlife...but I am getting older...way older than I thought. I look at people around me and I am no longer the kid. I can be the parent, the advisor, the sound mind, the someone I never dreamed of being...but am.

As I thought about the journey I have had as an adult I realized that the path I am currently on is not the path I want to continue down. I miss who I was as a missionary. I realize I will never wear that suit again. But that doesn't mean that I can't make a radical change now to recover the values that I held and hold so dear.

It is never too late to pursue dreams.

After much chit chat with my wife I am going back to school - I going to be a Dr. I have 2 years of science prereqs and an MCAT to get out of the way before starting. Then it is 4 years of school and 4 years of residency and by the time I am 47, my oldest will be in college, my middle one a Sr in high school, my 3rd a Sophmore and my boy -- well only 10.

I start school in Jan - 16 hours - 4 classes. I have already started studying. I will be a full time student, a full time dad, and have a full time job...thats a lot of full times...lol.

I think I get life now. I am no longer lost and wandering to and from. I learn something and it really makes sense. I have a worldview that helps me in life. Being older gives me an advantage as a student. As I learn I also have understanding and wisdom to accompany that knowledge. I learn and can fit that info in with application to life. My teachers will at times be peers or younger than me.

Anyway all that to say I am changing the direction of life because I am finally able to do so. I don't know why it has taken me so long - other than the fact that I have been foolish, short sighted, and rebellious. But like I said before, it is never to late to start again. No excuse from my past can trump my choice to change.

For me learning is the discovery of God. When I study DNA or physics I am uncovering the hand of God - discovering the heart, intent, and wonder of the creator. The more I study science the more I am convinced that God is real and His hand keeps us. So while this path may seem long and hard...I can't think of any better way to spend my time than exploring the depths of God while pursuing one of His heart felt values - to help and heal others.

Onward and upward.

Vain

We are destructive people. We hurt each other, we hurt those we love, we hurt those we hate, we hurt ourselves. We have good intentions that are followed up by weak resolve and laziness. We want to be better but often times we sabotage the very joy we so desperately seek. Often ill equipped, to ignorant to seek counsel, and to proud to follow advice when given we are our own worst enemy. We need help to journey in life. We need the wisdom of others who can guide us down the dark windy roads. We need light from the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit. We need the Good Shepard to care for us.

I like being a guide. I enjoy helping others who either do not know the way or have not traveled as far as I have. I understand that many times they will deviate from the path to drink from the poisoned waters. I know that they will intentionally stray thinking they know better, when they do not. I know this because I have done the same. I know that my efforts may not be welcomed and some will continue in their harmful ways. I know that even though I can shine a light, lead the way, give direction, and beg and plead for them to take another path they inevitably will not.

Is it vain to believe in rescue? Is it vain to try?

No. My efforts are not predicated on their choices. My efforts cannot and will not be determined by others self hate.

God never gives up on us. He longs for our friendship, pursues our love, guides us into His presence. We don't follow. We don't listen. We do what we want. But he still helps. How can I do any less?

choice

I am forever betrothed to God. United and bonded to hope. Grafted into rest. Destined for glory. Love changes. The longer I walk with God, the longer I am betrothed to Him, the more I understand discovery of the unknown. Each passing year reveals an expression of God and depth of life that I could not have known without the journey. That journey is made possible by the commitment of Him to me and me to Him. As long as I don't give up this journey will continue to bring new life.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 13 years, our love has changed over the years, it is not the same as it was in the beginning. It is deeper, different, more rewarding, more secure, and less busy. I am completed with her companionship. I am stronger and better with her by my side. But it is the result of a choice to weather the storms of life with her even if she is storms cause. There is no victory in surrender. The sweetness of this life we share is birthed through trial and tribulation. I imagine the same to be true with God. The journey of life is one where commitment must prevail. He is committed to me and I to Him and that is enough to endure it all.

egypt

It has been nearly 2 months since I last posted.  Nothing to share.  Nothing but darkness.  Nothing but doubt.  Nothing but confusion.  It is hard to even explain the level of apathy that plagues me.  I feel like I could leave all my faith behind and it not make any difference in my life.  I often think what a secular life would be like.  But then I look around and think, I am pretty much there now.  I don't know what restrains me from falling over this cliff.  I am at the edge. I see the depths.  I lean but am held back...why, what is it, where does it come from, is it beyond me?

The path I chose has led me to a place I don't like, I don't know how to move from it.  I don't know how to undo it.  It seems so easy to have gotten hear, all downhill, but to get back it looks all uphill. I don't know how to carry with me those who have all to willingly followed me to this end.  I don't know how to retrace, to scared to start over, to much to carry back.  So here I am camped on the edge, far from where I ever imagined myself.

What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul?  I have not gained the world, but in my pursuit of it, I have lost part of me and I miss it.

Israel was not birthed in the promise land...they were formed and fashioned in Egypt and in the desert.  Maybe God sees this child in Egypt and is coming to my rescue, maybe not.  For now my last thought is simply SOS.

enjoying experience

Enjoying experience. I think it is a gift. The ability to enjoy ALL of life's experiences - the good and bad. The yelling boss, the friendly coworker, the financial distress, the smile of your children, the decay of your body, hot morning coffee, the loss of a loved one, a kiss from your spouse, a fight with your spouse, movie night, brokenness, a faithful pet, shattered dreams, hope, hopelessness, faith, doubt, love, hate, anger, joy, mercy, judgement, His closeness and His absence.

We are so resilient and strong and brave. Life keeps us busy. Always presenting something new whether it is good or bad. Embrace life, whether it be the hurricane of trouble or a flood of blessing for we know in the end we finish this race in the arms of Jesus and the smile of God over us.

I used to be so concerned about tomorrow. Worry would rob me of my today. How often has worry robbed my now, stolen what is precious simply because I let him?

Jesus laid out a pretty simple plan for life, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matt 6:34

Let my today be filled with the wonder of mowing the grass, swimming with my children, changing diapers, cooking dinner, gazing on the smile of my son, resting in the love of my wife, learning kung fu with my daughter, being amazed at the grace and power of Jesus and letting worry worry about itself.

The fullness of enjoying now.

finite

I am not promised tomorrow. I have no guarantee of health. In fact, I am 100% sure that one day I will die. "One day" - I don't know when or how, but it is coming. As I was cutting the grass yesterday I was thinking about all the adventures and experiences that I have had in life; all of them the result of a choice. Also thinking about how I have taken for granted my very breath. Always expecting tomorrow, as if I was owed it. Never aware of the frailty of my existence, the grace and love that gives me breath, and the Father who blesses me with the joys and pains of life.

I sit hear and ask myself, "Am I making good choices? Will I be remembered by my family as a wonderful, irreplaceable father, kind and loving husband, and considerate neighbor? Or will the memories of me be that of worried, preoccupied, never satisfied, scared, workaholic, selfish, always in pursuit of trying to find himself, never having time for the family, always concerned about the next phase of life without fully embracing this one? Do I pursue my wants at the expense of love and kindness? Must I have and obtain through compromise and hurting of others?

The end is a sobering reality, the ultimate measuring stick, and for some a jolting wake up call. Did I live today with no regrets? More importantly did I love with passion, courage, and hope, positively impacting those also on this journey or did I let fear and nearsightedness get the most of me as I hurt those around so that I could be someone?

Psalm 90 - Teach me to number my days so that I may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 39 - Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days.

sifting

I sifted you and I like what I see - God
Me too...

drought

Parched. The land is dry. The grass is brown. The leaves on trees are withering. The sun is hot. The wind blows waves of heat. Nature needs water. I neglect my yard until the grass is hard enough to bother my bare feet then I ambush it with floods of water. Is it enough? Is it too late? Can it recover? Will the flood make up for the abandonment and neglect?

Same thought applies to my soul, my inner man. I sit hear flooding myself with worship and praise and I feel like the dry grass taking in as much as I can, pouring it on, more and more. But is it enough to make up for the daily neglect? Is it enough to sustain life and foster growth?

The psalmist wrote that his soul thirsted and longed for the living God. Some part of me has wanted God to be an accomplishment. Something I can acquire, put on my shelf and then pursue something else. But He is not. He is not a certificate that I can frame and hang on my wall. He is not a trophy I can display for others to see. He is not a notch in my belt, a destination, or a one night stand. He is pursuit. He is drive. He is the path.

My soul longs and thirsts for the living God because I consume Him, use Him and need more of Him for life. He is not to be fasted, limited, restricted, or avoided. He is the one portion I cannot overdue. I can supersize Him with joyful expectation.

Water me daily with your beauty, your grace, your forgiveness, your smile, your passion, your goodness, your time, and you presence.

tension

You ever wonder why Jesus told us to expect trouble? You ever think that He was just blowing smoke. I mean if you look at the class of preachers and teachers on TV today you really have to wonder if Jesus knew what He was talking about. It would seem that all this jib jab about trouble somehow wasn't meant for us modern more sophisticated well to do Christians. The other day I was told that a local pastor who has four churches in the surrounding area would fly a helicopter to each church just so he could be there in person to preach his message (I think he missed the class on live video feed). Seriously a helicopter?

Let's not fault the pretty boys on TV, even our own ideas of blessing and the good life come from reading the Bible. The bible does talk about blessing. It does talk about God intervening on our behalf and doing miracles and wonders and blessing our socks off. So what was Jesus doing here?

I think He was balancing the see-saw out. Yes, we will have blessing in this life, but we will also have trouble. Life is full of tensions. I think it is the only way to keep things in check and balance.

To accomplish something great in life like a wonderful marriage, or phenominal parenting, or caring neighbor takes an encounter with tension. But it is just these tensions that enable us to really strengthen ourselves and give value to what we accomplish. Without the cross there is no salvation and without tension there is no prize.

Never quit.