40 day fast - preparation

I have always wanted to do an extended fast, but I never have. This year I am going to do it. I have already told my family and am getting ready this week. Fast will start on Jan 1. It will be a juice and water fast. The objective is to seek God and grow in my walk with Him. At times when I have done shorter fasts I have not really focused on meeting with God, they were more for health reasons. This time I am going to meet with God.

From a physical standpoint I stopped eating sugars, caffeine and meat this week; and I am already feeling the effects of withdrawal and a bit of detox. But I figure I need to get a start on it.

On another note, I started to do family devotionals after dinner. Each night after dinner, I grab the guitar, the kids pick a song and we sing. Then I open the Bible and we each read some versus out of a chapter. Then we read a devotional and pray. It doesn't take very long but it is going to become a great habit.

a Name

in poverty, in excess, in bankruptcy, in fullness, in lack, in wealth, God cannot be anymore or any less Jehovah Jirah - God provider. for the longest time i have prayed and sought and requested God to be something He is not nor can be a God who WILL provide. but He is not someone who will provide, He does provide and is providing - my life, currently is the fullness of this miracle, a life full of provision, always provision, never lacking, never.

my prayer should be God give me eyes to see and a heart that understands your ever present and never changing truth.

wedge

I was asking God, or rather contemplating my service and usefulness to Him. i have to say that i am so full of fear these days, it is awkward. then i started to remember what i have done in the past and the results of my effort and He spoke this to me; He gave me a picture then spoke to my heart...


*you are a wedge, strong and built for conflict, a tool in my hand. you have been designed to split, to cause change, permanent everlasting change. i will take you and beat you hard, in the face of adversity, of stubbornness, of darkness, and of foolishness to cause people to make a decision. they will either be better or worse, but they will decide. i have given you wisdom and you hear my voice so that you can, when laid against stone and wood, be strong. you may be afraid but let me strike you.

blood

God warns in the OT not to drink or eat the blood of animals, because life is found in the blood. Jesus comes along and says, drink my blood. the OT is dirty; sacrifices mean the slaughter of animals, burning of flesh, the dipping and sprinkling of blood everywhere. blood was everywhere. in the NT Jesus side was pierced and blood and water flowed out so that we could be washed and renewed. i am preserved because God sees me bathed in blood and consuming blood- the blood of Jesus. life shields me from wrath, life fills me for newness.

I walk with God through blood. I have life, hope, faith, and love through blood. At the entrance of the temple was death, constant death. I come to God through the death (the mystery of love) of Jesus and I am not consumed. Thank you merciful and good God. Thank you.

overflowing mercy

for this sinner to come to Him; for this offensive mind to think of Him; for this unrepentant heart to house Him; for this mouth to curse and be filled with praise; for eyes that see evil and are allowed to view Him; for ears that receive offense and hear His voice - oh what great MERCY that has fallen on me, that covers me, that fills me, that enables this offensive dust to know You, to challenge you, to confront you, to receive you, to be loved by you, what a great paradox; God dwelling in dust and dust that refuses to bow. here i am filled with GOD, filled with GOD, filled with GOD. it has to be criminal but it is not, it is MERCY. breath in, breath out, MERCY.

envy and fear

i see younger guys in ministry. i see my old school mates in ministry. i see me, far far away. i hear their stories and envy. i see God in and through them and envy. i dont know how i got here; i mean i can retrace the steps, but i dont know how my heart ended up here from where it way at 18 riding downtown with sandwiches in my backpack to feed the homeless. i am perplexed. i am wasted with confusion, envy, fear, and desire. maybe i am just scared. i am scared that God has forgotten me, that He has found bigger and better, that He looked at me and said, you had your chance. i am scared that the longer i persist down this path the further away i get. i am scared that He has given up on me. but something inside gives me rest, even as i write this, there is something fighting for me, combating in me and is on my side.

*Peace, rejoice in my work, rejoice in who i work through, rejoice in their heart and love for me, this is them giving all they are for me, sacrificing their lives for the desire of their heart. they have not held back, they push forward with the same weaknesses that beset us all. you are too. you are you. give thanks for them. relax. i can do in a second what you can never do in a lifetime. you are on the path, enjoy it. i know that you give yourself fully to the cause, but do so patiently, methodically, pacing yourself. you run too fast and fail to think. go slow, work methodically, pray, and trust me. have faith, maintain your vision, rejoice in hope. build wisely. you see things, they will take place.

the gap

defined - my beliefs define who i am, for what i believe escapes for others to see. can it be any other way? am i only defined through trial? is who i really am at my greatest point only seen in depths of despair? is the valley of the shadow of death my only mirror, the only true compass, the only light strong enough to reveal the depth of darkness in me? cause i have to tell you i stumble around like a mad drunk, un-convicted of anything, willing to sacrifice nothing, holding onto fables, convinced that here is home and this is where i shall dwell. it would be one thing if others knew me otherwise; but they dont. they see nothing worthy of praise, nothing that brings joy, no love, no light. im to be pitied most, for who i think i am and who i desire to be, i am not. the gap between us is an unfortunate and heavy burden, one that cannot be forsaken.

*i stand in the gap. i rescue, i save, i defeat, i make known, i am.

i feel mocked constantly for my faith. i feel ridiculed for seeking you. i am constantly reminded about my failures. any act of kindness to others is met with bitterness and anger. in my desire and aspiration to do good i have failed. instead of helping, i have hurt, instead of building i have torn down - and now the fruit of my labor is rancid and i feast on its disgust.

*i resurrect, i create streams in the desert.

i know you do, but my cracked and bleeding lips doubt - alleviate their doubt.