Day 32 of fast - marriage

When I got married I made one decision; i was going to choose for the rest of my life to love my wife no matter who she was or how she changed. What I didn't realize was that was only partly true. Because for the next 12 years I was on a secret mission, one that I was not even completely aware of, that mission was to change her.

By nature I am a person who fixes things, not like a mr fix it but like the guy who likes process. I like to make sure things are working right; I bring order to chaos. My wife can be a bit chaotic at times. For one thing she doesn't really have a sense of time. She can be doing something and be completely unaware that it just took her 4 hours to do it. I on the other hand log my minutes by activity and have a built in stopwatch.

Despite some of the most common differences that make us a wonderful couple there was in me a deep seated disappointment. I will admit that all of my marriage has been not only about creating in her the person I could not become but also about creating around me characteristics in others that I had failed to become. It was as if I was saying, "If I can't do it, I will make those around me do it so that I can live vicariously satisfied through them." Do you know what that is like? Do you know how destructive that way of life is?

Imagine not being able to carry something so you go out and find people, train them up, and have them haul the load, only this time you make the load bigger, because the bigger the load the more successful and narcissistic you can be. That was me. Skinny and weak both physically and spiritually. (Now I know why I was always obsessed with wanting to be bigger and stronger. Somehow I believed that if I was more muscular then I could compensate for the little man inside).

I was relating to people the same way I was relating to God or rather I was relating to people the way I thought God was relating to me. As a result my marriage was wounded. I have to admit I have had a great 12 years being married to my wife. We have had a few arguments over the years, but each anniversary we just reflect on how much better our marriage is getting year after year. But there was something dark and ugly taking place in each of us; me with God and her with me.

For years my wife has had this nagging insecurity that I would leave her; that if I became rich, or successful I would find someone to replace her. She had this overwhelming feeling that I did not like her; that I was always out trying to find ways to change her so that she could be the person that I wanted. She didn't really believed that I liked her or that I had made the right choice in marrying her. She thought I was distant, cold, unaffectionate, and disappointed. And maybe I was in some sick and twisted way. Because the way she was relating to me is the way I have been relating to God. Funny how that works. Paul tells us to love our bride like Jesus loves me; I was doing just that, yuck.

I was miserable and she was tormented.

But that all changed recently. Last night my wife told me that she believed that I liked her. She felt in her soul, deep down in who she is, that I really do enjoy her. I didn't make a mistake in choosing her and that I loved her as she was, accepted her unique and different qualities. She feels like I am more affectionate, more loving, more tender, more caring. My revelation of how I view God has transformed her experience of how I love her.

She no longer feels weighed down by my crazy expectations. She no longer fears my rejection or my disappointment. She feels at peace with us. As she shared this with me last night after we had communion, I just stood there shaking my head in wonder and gratefulness.

All I could say was thank you Jesus. There was a joy in me as if something had been solidified and affirmed. I finally felt like we connected under the banner of acceptance and like; not just the theory or commitment of love but of true enjoyment of each other.

What really struck me was the joy I felt in her belief in who I was and what I thought about her. Many of my offenses and arguments, some of the most bitter, revolved around my wife thinking bad and wrong things about me, things that were not true, that I did not think and that never even crossed my mind. I guess she was just reflecting back what I was doing with God. Then it hit me, God feels the same way when I believe Him. Jesus said in John that the work of Jesus is to believe. I felt a rushing sense of smiles when she finally came to believe me. Jesus feels good when I believe him. I delight the heart of God when I just believe. So simple.

So to sum up: Believing Jesus makes Him happy. My wife believing me makes me smile.

Physically: Weight 132. I felt good today. Nothing new to report about the way I felt. I was cold, hungry, energetic, mentally clear and excited that I finished day 32.