Day 33 of fast - gold digger

by Julian Beever

My friend Brian and I talk each day on the phone when I leave for work. We talk about the market, day trading, and God. He is the one responsible for pushing me into authors like Brennan Manning and Larry Crabb, his pursuit of God has encouraged and fueled my own walk. I am grateful for his friendship.

Today he gave me a picture of what his Christian life has been like. He is reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and come to realize that his whole life he has been a gold digger. The typical picture of a gold digger is a young pretty blond married to an old shrively dude with money. She is there for one thing and one thing only, money; to gain and get.

Its funny but isn't so much of the way we relate to God based on that same picture. I mean aren't we all busting at the seams with gold digger inside. We come to God, not because we really like Him, or care for Him, or think He likes us and wants to hang out, but because we need something. Prayers are lists of thanking him for the things he has given us and asking for more and sometimes they are not bad things (like salvation or healing or relief of pain for ourselves or someone else). But the truth is we hang out with God with hopes that we will one day "get it all". And the sadness is that the more petitions that are answered the more we need them to continued to be answered.

There is something I have been asking God for these past couple of weeks; lets call it a toy. I hope that He gives it to me. It is a petition. But I know there are hundreds of people who want the same toy I want. They all love God. God loves them. I think it is hard to be God. How do you decide who to give the one prize to. You have hundreds of children all smiling, holding out their hands, all precious in your eyes, but you only have one toy to hand out. How do you choose? How do all the other children react when they are not chosen? So hard. I mean I can only imagine that those who don't get the toy, walk away disappointed, sad, rejected, and really feeling unloved. How sad for Father who loves His children to be in the presence of so many dejected, angry, and bitter ones He calls His own.

I told Papa this morning that I was okay if He didn't give me the toy. I know He loves me and that my life is blessed; it's not going to be blessed or made better by the toy, it is blessed and fulfilled - another toy would just be fun to play with but it will not alter my knowledge of his smile for me.

There are limitations in this world. God works within those limitations. If I can put aside my selfish desires then I can love how he works within parameters. I don't want to be a gold digger. I want to love my Father with passion and reflection of His love. I want Him to know He is awesome and that I really do like Him. I understand that He is not out to punish me, hurt me, or test me under a sociopath guise. I understand that He lights up my life, feeds me the bread, produces fruit, causes water to flow from me and saturates me with Himself.

Physically: weight 131. I felt good today for the most part. I had some pain in the top of my head but it was not like the usual migraines I had been getting before. It is cold here, as I am sure it is everywhere. I had water, juice, and broth to drink today. I have a Spanish CLEP test tomorrow so I hope to get some sleep tonight so I do well, I should pretty much ace it. But it never hurts to be rested. Less than one week to go. I was talking to my mom today about some of the changes that have taken place in me and wondering if these changes will be permanent or if they are just part of the fasting process. I am both excited to finally eat again and scared at the same time. I don't want some of what has happened to leave and go away. We will see, only the trials of life will prove if it was gold or hay.

Here is a song I enjoyed; its different but I liked it