Day 35 of fast - reflection

Manning writes on his website, On a midwinter's night, he received this word from the Lord: "For love of you I left my Father's side. I came to you who ran from me, who fled me, who did not want to hear my name. For love of you I was covered with spit, punched and beaten, and fixed to the wood of the cross." Brennan would later reflect, "Those words are burned into my life. That night, I learned what a wise old Franciscan told me the day I joined the Order -- 'Once you come to know the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem as beautiful or desirable.' "

I never thought it possible for my experience with Jesus to pale in comparison with knowing His love. There is a big difference between the two. When I used to worship I could feel something come over me, a rush of God. It was a fix. It was me seeing a rainbow but never owning its beauty. For the past 17 years I have sought His presence, His hand, His love, His grace, His favor, His smile, His power, His word, His truth, and His knowledge - but my cistern was broken, each filling of Him lasted briefly and my parched dry soul would scream out again, "MORE!" Such agony. Such misery for the "joyful Christian" life. But I didn't know another way. The quote above was hidden from me darkened by Self. I could say I knew it and even say I lived it. I never realized that hunger and thirst were signs that I truly did not know His love. My desire was screaming out that something was wrong but I didn't know that.  Poser didn't want me to replace him.

"Forgive them Father for they do not know what they do," said Jesus. We live under that same grace and mercy as we seek something already given; as we allow Poser to run us into the ground of an unfulfilled and starving life.

I got up today and started to worship the way I always have. I put on some music, got quite and really just tried to engage God. But it was lifeless. I really wanted it to work the way it used to. I wanted to make God happy, to let Him know I was thankful, and just to give something back. But it could not compare to the overwhelming sense of God's love for me. I could not get past the awareness of His passion for me. I would sing and think, "Wow He freakn loves me to no ends." How do you sing or praise in light of such wonder, such a shower of life, such a force of grace and goodness? It is like getting slammed with unexpected, unearned, and precious gifts from someone you think really didn't like you. How do you respond as they pour out their affection, their honor, their attention, and their life to you? How do you respond when you have been humbled by acts of love and kindness? You don't. Thank you is futile. Hugs are undesirable. No, you just sit in awe and wonder. The other person not interested in your gratitude, only in the joy of giving.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying that praise and worship is bad, I'm just saying it's not what it used to be for me at this time.  Who knows maybe later it will change, but for now I just sit and ponder and receive from the overflowing tenderness of Papa.

I think He is pleased when I learn about His love. I think He smiles when I reflect His love back into the world. I think He just loves knowing that I know.

As we look at Jesus we become like Him. And in becoming like Him we understand the Fathers pleasure over us. So take time to read about Jesus as the beloved Son who came into the world to reflect the love of the Father to everyone.

I couldn't find a song today.  Silence was my friend.

Physically: I feel fine.  I am tired. Long day.  I had liquids.  Almost done.
PS I read Deuteronomy today...cool book