Day 36 - God's weakness

van Gogh

And the LORD has declared this day that you are his people, his treasured possession as he promised, and that you are to keep all his commands. Deut 26:18

I am to be the only inheritance the priests have. You are to give them no possession in Israel; I will be their possession. Eze 44:28

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light 1 Peter 2:9

I own things. I like the things I own. I get mad if someone messes with my stuff. I often think about how I would defend my stuff if push came to shove. I would like to think I am not a very possessive person, but the truth is, I like my things. Because I own something it gives me the right to entitlement. I have power. I have this sense that I am in control. When I own something I know that no one else should mess with it.  Possession not only brings entitlement and ownership but also responsibility and vulnerability.

When I read Deuteronomy yesterday I came across the first verse and it struck me as odd. God can have anything He wants. He made everything. He could just come down and like a mob boss take it. He could rule and reign over His stuff as a tyrant dictator. But He doesn't. This verse hit me because it told me that God made Himself vulnerable. He decided to extended the same risk of love that we do. Love is just as risky for God as it is for me. He put His heart on the line for His people to accept or reject. He calls them into a love relationship and says, "Look, you are mine. I love you. Don't mess it up cause it hurts." He reaches out to an obstinate people and exposes His weakness. Yes, God has a weakness. It's His love for us.

Giving Israel the 10 commandments and asking them to obey opened God up to pain and hurt. Rules were not given from the heart of dictatorship but out of a desire to also be possessed.  We all have rules and manners that we have set up for people to relate well to us.  I don't want the people I love to hit me, call me names, insult me, talk bad about me, abuse me; are these unreasonable? No.  So when God sets up some criteria for relating to Him we get all twisted as if He is doing something against us.  But what He has just done is say, "You are mine.  You are mine.  You are mine.  Be mine."  Rules enable us to choose Him.

To call someone your own, to make a claim over their life, to invest your heart, soul, time, effort, compassion, energy, and desire into them, creates a firey jealousy and opens you up to a world of pain that only ownership can produce. God's intent has always been for us to choose Him.

He has always wanted us to choose Him.

Adam and Eve placed in a garden. Don't eat from the tree, choose Me. They didn't. And ever since then God has been trying to reach out to possess someone who would also possess Him. He says in Ezekiel, "I am their possession." But they rejected Him. He calls us kings and priests and says He is our possession but we reject Him.

If we ever thought we needed to be picked, if we ever thought that we wanted God to notice us, if we ever thought we were not on His radar, if we ever thought He was distant and far and aloof and busy and preoccupied, then He has also felt that way too...

You can't possess without the possibility of pain. You can't reach out and pour your life out for others without exposure, rejection, and hurt. I never realized that it wasn't me God didn't notice, but it was me not noticing God. He called me His own and I turned away. He wanted to be my friend but I found others to relate to. He wanted to love me but I found something else to captivate my affection. And while I played the cheater I prayed and blamed Him for my misery. How myopic. I couldn't see His pain, His brokenness, His distress, His sadness, His weeping, His hurt, and His patience.

All I noticed was me.

John says it with such heartache, "He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him."

I have never been more ashamed of my selfish ways than tonight in light of His pain. I have kicked and fought and back stabbed and hated and blamed and defended self for so long. Punching God, angry for self's disillusionment, angry that I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it, angry that He was not my genie in a bottle, angry that He...

And He wept with love's pain. Jealous for my affection. Longing for my faith. Hungry for my belief. Hopeful for the reflection of my obedience. Just wanting me to reflect back what He was feeling for me, what He had given to me. Just wanting me to choose Him. "Pick me," He says.

He called me His own and made Himself weak for my love...I guess I am not alone after all.

Physically: weight 131. I was undone with hunger today. Anxious to eat everything. I wont lie, I filled my mouth up with stuff, chewed and spit (its the way to eat without eating I guess). I was a train wreck today. I was coming unglued to eat. I drank juice, water and broth and sampled anything old or new without overdoing it to the point of massive guilt. Had a bite of homemade bread. So so hard today. I am longing to eat again.