Day 37 of fast - present

by withcream.net

Jesus answered, "I saw you..." John 1:48.
Jesus said, "I am with you always." Matt 28:20

I don't live in the awareness of His company. I'm rarely conscious of His constant presence. If He were to say "boo" I probably wouldn't even hear Him. But the risen Jesus is HERE. Why does it matter? I have always thought of God being with me, or God seeing me, or God hearing me and knowing my thoughts as kind of like the God police. Why doesn't He just bug off and let me enjoy some of this world. I always felt that His eyes were out to get me, watching to see if I screw up waiting for me to trip and fall just so He could put His foot on my neck.

I didn't doubt that He loved me, but I just assumed that He was pretty much Holy and quick with the backhand. It bothered me to think that He was around. It bothered me to think that I just couldn't be me without a smack on the head.

But He isn't like my crazy thoughts suggest or imply. He isn't standing at the front door with a wad of chew in his mouth waiting for me to break curfew just so he can teach me a lesson. He is not loading up my sins and failures in his handy dandy notebook just to read me a bedtime story of my shortcomings. No, that is not Him at all. Sure He is holy, and sure He is always aware of everything I do, think, and feel. But His presence is that of a helper.

He is not just the kind of helper I need when I cry out, "Oh God." He is not just the kind of helper I need when my life falls to pieces. He is not just the helper I need when I am overcome by darkness and despair. No, He is much more.

His light and smile do more than just offer a safety net when I am in trouble. His presence is the hope I have of overcoming me. His presence is the affirmation I receive when I am attacked. His presence is the song I sing when weariness has landed on my shoulders. His presence is the word of rest, the fortitude of knowledge, the grace in my groveling and the assurance of favor. I don't have to be me, I can be His. He prods and pokes me with His presence, a constant reminder that my life is now hidden in His and come what may it is well.

There is no need for self defense. There is no need for anger to bludgeon my brother. There is no fear in missing the train of His calling, the joy of His reward, or the candor of His approval. I have fallen hidden in my beloved and engrafted into Israel. His presence is present now.

He smiles from the brother next door. He shines as the light of noon day. He fills my lungs as air. He codes my life with His DNA. He seals me as His own. He whispers life in random acts of kindness through strangers. He is all around me, in me, and for me. Not because He wants a puppet but because He is that madly in love with me. Why does God want to be near me and in me? Because He just loves me that much. He is sick with love. He can't get enough of us. We were made for Him; always and only for Him.

I won't always do things that He likes or approves of, but the more I grasp His life the more mine fades away. He is okay with my falling. He is okay with my idols. He is not threatened by them. For as He shines His light of love into my darkness those idols will kneel and call Him Lord. He is not afraid of the process. He does not grow weary in His pursuit of me. He never tires of creating in me a clean heart or of exposing the Poser within. He has a plan and His presence carries it out.

God is with us, now and forever.

Physically: weight 131. The hunger is unbearable. I have never felt anything like it. The hunger in the beginning of the fast is nothing compared to what is happening now. My body is going into a frenzy. I find myself willing to eat anything, and yes I mean anything. Old spoiled food is appealing. It is a scary place to be. I know that I can't just go and eat something heavy but my body just doesn't seem to care at this point. I can't drink enough to calm the rage. I ate some wheat thins, some popcorn, and some peanut butter today; a bit or two of each, knowing that I could not keep eating because of the damage I could do to myself. I shake with anxiety. I walk into the kitchen and just have no control I eat a wheat thin saying, don't do it. The next couple of days I will spend at work so that should give me some reprieve. I have done the best I could on this fast.