Day 38 of fast - popcorn and mercy

It is coming to an end.  I wish I could say I have endured to the end but that is just not the case.  I had a few more handfuls of popcorn stuff (its actually called trash, my aunt made it and it rocks) tonight, just thinking maybe I should end it all. But I won't. I will keep going even though the taste of popcorn is bitter sweet.

I want to go back to this concept, God with us.

I will live with them and walk among them and I will be their God and they will be my people. Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty" 2 Cor 6:16-18.

Paul says in Phil 2, if you have experienced Jesus, just as you have experienced Jesus, be the same way. His assumption is that we have partaken of His humility, love, tenderness, compassion, and trust. But often times what we have tasted is just the opposite.

The psalms invites us to taste and see that the Lord is good.

I have missed His goodness for far to long. I have placed my unfulfilled expectations and my holy petitions before knowing Him. I have substituted cheap religion with a fulfilling relationship. I have avoided walking with Him because I was afraid He would take something from me. I have believed the song He gives and He takes away to the point of abandonment. I didn't know He was Father. I didn't know He was kind. I just knew I had to keep pressing on or that would be the end of me.

I am beat today. I don't really have anything to write, I just finished a 10 page paper on depression and realized that I have been insensitive and cruel to those who suffer with this illness. I never knew the pain and heartache that those who suffer with depression actually go through. In fact as a Christian pharisee I had little compassion for those who, in my mind, brought about their own pain.

I was heartless and cold. Yuck. People do suffer in this world. They are plagued by things they just can't overcome by themselves. I have always had the tendency to look down on people. To snub my nose at those who lived with issues that I felt competent and able to overcome. There was no compassion in my voice towards those who hurt, only ridicule and insensitivity. Funny how Paul was able to turn his victories into genuine love, mercy, and compassion for others. Even Hebrews tells us that Jesus is a compassionate high priest.

What? I don't get it. I am not like that. If you got a problem, fix it. Stop being a sissy and tighten up them boot straps. You are the result of you own decisions and if you don't like it, well tough, its your own damn fault. I have never had compassion overcome me for those who faced issues I had an answer to. I never extended mercy to those whose pain caused them to live in confusion or under the distress of bad decisions. I was just flat freakn mean.

I have to be honest I do not know what it is like to comfort others or to feel the weight of sin that easily burdens the church. I have always just been content spewing out answers without empathy. I am Mr. Fix it type. Problems have little emotional value and emotions, well, they are for the weak. Who am I? Where did this devil come from? Boy is a light shining on me tonight, and I thought I had nothing to say.

Awareness is the first step to freedom. I have experienced the love and compassion of God, it is time to extend it to others. Let's see where this goes over the next couple of days. This is a very new thought for me. Time for me to walk in mercy and tenderness with the fallen and the weak. I have never been able to empathize with others before, but God is changing me.