My friend David, who has done a 40 day water fast, told me before he began that his encounters with God became incredible as he fasted. I wasn't sure what that meant but I was excited to taste it. He was right, becoming aware of God has been an incredible experience.
As I stated earlier, there are three events that have radically shifted the course of my life, the day I got saved, the day I came to believe in all the gifts, and this fast - the time I experienced the love of God (which is not at all like my head had been saying it was like).
I feel like I have discovered a new journey in life; an adventure into the unknown. This adventure is a mystery within whose presence has forever changed me. This gift has set me on a path of eternal excavation to see how growing in the understanding of the love of God overcomes the Poser within.
On this journey I have found a new freedom. The awareness of God's pleasure over me has transformed my heart. It has unearthed the hidden Poser and shined a light in his dark caverns where he has set up shop to rule my life. This journey has exposed the idols of self preservation and self adoration. It has called out the cheater within who had captivated me with her sensuality and been replaced by the love of a jealous God. This journey has brought me to eat of the bread of life and drink from the everlasting water so that I no longer hunger, thirst, or desire for God because I have Him. And He has me. It has filled me to the point of overflow; where I can finally say that I am compelled by love and not by duty.
This journey has healed my relationship with myself, my wife, and those around me. It has taught me that I do not have to constantly take from my neighbor but that out of the abundant life flowing in me I can give. I am no longer brandishing a whip to keep those around me in order. I no longer feel the empty compulsion to change those around me so that I can feel better about myself. I can empathize with my wife's pain, confusion, anger, and person without feeling like it is my fault-like everything she is suffering is about me. On this journey I have discovered that my wife is truly my other half, this mysterious other me, sent by God in my incompleteness, not so I could make her better or because she needed someone as good as me, but because I was so broken and lopsided that I needed her. I have come to appreciate and respect her as the mystery of me, who through love, affection, and encouragement shines.
On this journey I no longer hate myself or abuse myself with Christian guilt. I no longer wonder if one day I will hear God say, "Well done good and faithful servant." I no longer wonder what He thinks about me and my shortcomings. I am no longer impaled on the stakes of longing, hunger, confusion, empty hope, and perfectionism. Self esteem, the really good stuff that changes your life completely, cannot be manufactured in the mind alone, it must come from outside. My view of myself changed because I came to know the truth about what God thinks about me. I have come to experience (I use that word, because it is not just about knowing it or being taught it or saying it, it is about an experience that brings a knowledge that books and theology cannot) that God likes me. God is madly in love with me. His pleasure is for me. He pursues me like a crazd lover who just can't get enough. He seeks me and desires my company and affection. He possess me and wants me to possess Him. His joy over me is full.
In the beginning of this fast I said that God told me He was going to teach me lessons on humility. I thought He was going to teach me what I needed to do to be a humble person, to wash the feet of others. I thought He was going to instruct me and give me a to do list on how it is done. But that is not what He did. In the humility that only God can express, He knelt at my feet, He took up the basin and towel and He washed me. He cleansed me from my misconceived ideas about Him. He cleansed me from my rottenness and evil boasting. He cleansed me from the destruction of Poser. He cleansed me from the harm I have inflicted on others. He cleansed me from me. No, this lesson on humility was so far from what I expected. I thought it would be the words, "Go and do likewise" that would be the experience. But it was, "Jesus knelt down." God knelt before me and I am undone.
This journey has brought me from the depths of duty to the height of reflecting God; no longer shackled by the obligations, the principles, or the "right way" but compelled, motivated, pushed, and overcome by love and life. It is no longer, "I have to obey, but rather, I can't stop myself from obeying."
Thank you for coming alongside and reading. This open journal has helped me be accountable and real. I am grateful for my friend David whose example proded me to consider the fast. I am thankful for Brian who daily encouragement and friendship has helped me find an everlasting light to shine on Poser. Finally, I am grateful for my wife who bore the brunt of my absence, endured my weakness, my anxiety, my frustration, my transformation, and my tension. Without a woman like her I would not have been able to make it. She truly is an incredible and wonderful person; the one who has kidnapped my affection and thoughts.
From an analytical perspective (and answers to questions you want to ask but just don't); I discovered the love of God on day 13. Each day after that was growing in the revelation. I sampled food 8 times, most of which was these last several days. I went to the Dr. twice. I started out with no one reading and peaked at 70 readers (cause you really have to want to read this, I do not suffer from a shortage of words). I had 1 natural bowel movement, the rest were herb tea (Smooth Move) induced. I had sex once a week, down from 3 to 5 times a week. I lost 25.5 pounds cause yes, today I broke the 130 barrier weighing in at 129.5.
I am glad the fast is over. My list of yummy sinful foods includes buffalo wings, hamburgers, french fries, pizza, Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, pancakes, burritos, chips and dip, and that is just the first meal (jk). Notice I didn't say salads or fruit. Nope, good ole American junk food. Now I am not going to go crazy for a while. I have to get back into the swing of eating again; going to start out with vegetable soup for a couple of days, then add some salad and fruit smoothies. I will do a vegan diet for the next couple of weeks before going down junk food lane. Now I say that but lets see what actually takes place, I am sure I will be sampling the forbidden fruit before time :). I am glad the fast is over because I will be able to join my family for meals again, something I have missed. Between work, school and fasting I have not spent much time with them. We usually have dinner together each night, I am glad that will be starting again.
I will probably continue to write a post fast blog for a couple of weeks. We will see.
He is gracious and loving and once you have tasted it nothing is desirable.
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