Last night I reacted in a way that was mean and unkind to my wife. She called me out on it. I felt bad. I felt guilty for hurting her feelings. I felt a break in our unity. I felt her anger and sadness. I felt her dislike of me. And I didn't like that.
I asked and groveled for forgiveness. But why? What was I really trying to accomplish? Just 5 minutes earlier my wife was asking Grace, our 7 year old, for forgiveness. Now I was doing the same thing. I said I was sorry. I told her I was wrong. But she still had that frown on her face. You know, the yes I forgive you but am still gonna make you pay type frown. So I said to her, "Let's turn that frown upside down." Again something she had just said to Grace and something that Grace has at times said to her.
Inside me I was on a tear. I wanted to rewind time by 5 minutes. I wanted to go back to my happy self indulgent ways. I wanted my wife to continue to think I was the best and greatest thing since sliced bread. I wanted to time jump back to when I was feeling and being great. But I couldn't. I had this cold splash of reality that caused me to just stop everything and focus all my resources on getting me to feel good again.
We made up and she put a smile on her pretty little face and we went to bed. But as I lay there I was thinking about what just happened. What really took place? This is the sequence of events: I hurt my wife. She gets a frown on her face. She tells me I hurt her feelings. I feel bad. I ask for forgiveness. She forgives me. I work to get her to smile and give me a hug. She does. I feel good about me. We go to bed. I wonder what the hell just happened.
Did I really care about how I made her feel or was I just concerned about how I was feeling as a result of what I had done? Was I really seeking forgiveness to bring healing to her, or was it because I knew my life would be in the crapper if I let this wound fester in her? Why was I so adamant about her smiling and going back to the way things were? I lay in bed wondering what kind of sick psycho am I that my underlying motive for forgiveness wasn't her it was me.
I wanted to say sorry, not because it would help her, but because it would help her help me. Sure forgiveness does benefit the other person, but something in me wants reconciliation. Something in me feeds off the approval and peace of others. Something in me keeps me in survival mode.
When my dog knows she has done something wrong she tucks her tail, lowers her head, and shamefully walks to her crate. Soon she will come out all lovable and fun seeking to lick and play and just show you what a great dog she is.
I kind of feel like her. I tuck my tail and cower. I seek to make things right not because I have any intention of changing but just so I feel better about me, and more importantly, so that others feel and think better about me.
I can't stand broken relationships. I can't stand knowing that I have a problem with someone that needs to be resolved. I can't stand thinking that others don't see me as majestic as I see myself. Which makes me wonder if in all this narcissistic thinking, if when I seek reconciliation is it for them, us, or just me?
It's not that I am being hard on myself, but isn't asking for forgiveness supposed to be about the other person? Aren't we supposed to be looking out for the honest well being of others? Isn't asking forgiveness supposed to bring healing to the wounded party?
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