doing

This is one of the more difficult times in my life, at least in recent memory. I am still dealing with a shattered dream and its repercussions. I am also confronted with my overwhelming sense of being busy but accomplishing little. I have always been the guy observing and critiquing the work of others. I have busied myself but have accomplished little. I have come to the conclusion that I can not keep going on like this. I must accomplish something in this life. That accomplishing will not just happen upon me, it must be intentional and directed.

My gifting is telling others what to do, but that is not working with me now. It is time that I purpose and direct self towards an end. For me this is not easy. It is the source of much anxiety, stress, and tension. I am constantly under my own gun. I am trying to go somewhere with no path to follow. I feel like I know where I want to go, but with my machete in hand I hake away at endless jungle.

I am attacked by the conflict of what I want and what is real now. I feel completely unskilled to make the change.

But that is the whole point of this phase of life...man up. It is this conflict that will grant me the skills I really need to overcome the tension and conflict that I face on this journey. I will not be beaten into submission. I know that I have much to learn and by the grace and strength and wisdom and goodness of God I will prevail.

This life is a conflict, a tension between heaven and hell. I may be feeling squeezed on all sides, as every other person does, but I will not bow.

Onward and upward in this grueling task.