egypt

It has been nearly 2 months since I last posted.  Nothing to share.  Nothing but darkness.  Nothing but doubt.  Nothing but confusion.  It is hard to even explain the level of apathy that plagues me.  I feel like I could leave all my faith behind and it not make any difference in my life.  I often think what a secular life would be like.  But then I look around and think, I am pretty much there now.  I don't know what restrains me from falling over this cliff.  I am at the edge. I see the depths.  I lean but am held back...why, what is it, where does it come from, is it beyond me?

The path I chose has led me to a place I don't like, I don't know how to move from it.  I don't know how to undo it.  It seems so easy to have gotten hear, all downhill, but to get back it looks all uphill. I don't know how to carry with me those who have all to willingly followed me to this end.  I don't know how to retrace, to scared to start over, to much to carry back.  So here I am camped on the edge, far from where I ever imagined myself.

What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul?  I have not gained the world, but in my pursuit of it, I have lost part of me and I miss it.

Israel was not birthed in the promise land...they were formed and fashioned in Egypt and in the desert.  Maybe God sees this child in Egypt and is coming to my rescue, maybe not.  For now my last thought is simply SOS.