awalkwithEric

loves power

2012-01-14T08:01:00.000-08:00

Love is a power that gives life. It fills. Love is a tangible force. Love is an energy that enables us to do more than we could ever imagine. Love makes the impossible possible. It changes who we are and how we act. It changes how we see life. It alters how we see ourselves. It strengthens, builds hope, and delivers substance.

Jesus is love. He is a power that changes lives. He changes me. This love is a greater force than fear. Fear is loves competition. Fear feeds off ignorance and false beliefs. Fear alters our reality by imposing its view and subjecting us to its world. Fear opposes love. Love is such a much stronger force that even small amounts of it alter reality.

I am a catalyst for love to work miracles in peoples lives. If I posses love and am changed by its force, then love will bind itself to me and be released from me for others to experience.

Do I see it? Do I get it? Not fully. But today I am starting to taste and understand. What makes me overcome? Love. What gives me hope? Love. What enables me to push forward? Love.

There is a mind body connection that science has yet to fully understand. Love changes our health. Love changes my DNA. Love changes my cells. Love changes me physically. While we do not have the tools to fully explain this, we can see the results of loves effect.

Love builds hope. Love calls that which is unseen into existence.

praying again

2012-01-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

After my fast last year I had a very hard time praying. I just didn't understand why I needed to pray if my Father knows and sees everything I want, need, and will need. As much as I tried I just couldn't bring myself to pray without ending that prayer with, "Well, you already knew that." I hate doing things that seem futile. I hated thinking I was just babbling off some petty wish list while God twittled His thumbs wondering when I was going to get to the good stuff. It has been a very frustrating year. To start it off with some amazing time of fasting and closeness with God and then to end it wondering what the hell.

I start my prereqs for med school next week. Knowing I would have a pretty heavy load, 16hrs, and a full time job, I decided to start studying early to kind of front run the load. As I read my physics book I was fascinated by Newtons laws.

First law: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force.

Second law: The acceleration a of a body is parallel and directly proportional to the net force F and inversely proportional to the mass m, i.e., F = ma.

Third law: The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear.

This third law really hit me. Newtons laws not only explain physical phenomenon but they also explains spiritual truths as well. There is a force that opposes me. There is a God who is for me, there is an enemy that is against me. Prayer isn't about imploring the hand of God. Prayer is not about getting God to take notice. Prayer is not about hoping I am seen and noticed. Prayer is God's way of creating power to overcome evil, strength to overcome obstacles, and force to overrun the enemy. His promise is that we are more than overcomers. We have more energy than the evil one, than the obstacles present, than any excuse to fail. We have been given power by the Holy Spirit.

Do you get it. We have been given the ability to generate power. We have been given FORCE, ENERGY, to run over the opposing force that stands against us. Jesus told us to pray with faith. Faith is confidence with what is unseen and hope for what we expect. Faith builds power to overcome what we currently see and experience in life. Faith enables us to steamroll forward. Jesus said that anything is possible to him who believes. I have never understood that. I never got why it was always placed on my shoulders. It is not the lack of God working, it is that there is an opposing force that hinders us.

An angel told Daniel that when he began to pray he started to come to him but was thwarted but as Daniel prayed the angel was able to overcome. You see prayer builds power and force that enable us to overcome the opposing forces in our lives.

Our current reality can change. But we must have faith and confidence in what is unseen. As we pray in faith and hope. That unseen becomes what is seen and replaces what we currently know as reality. Have vision, have hope. See something else. You don't have to deny what is today. But you don't have to believe it will be your tomorrow.

Prayer builds power. Faith builds force. Belief brings energy.

God is already for us. So prayer is not about converting Him, convincing Him, or recruiting Him to be for us. He already is. And He has given us the tools we need to live victorious lives.

I am praying again. I pray different. I know that God is for me so I don't beg and plead. I pray with faith and hope.

gravity

2012-01-02T07:02:00.001-08:00

Newton discovered the law of gravity that states... that Force equals Gravity(a Mass x b Mass)/(distance of A Mass to B Mass)squared...

F=G(m1*m2)/r^2

In other words...there is a force that pulls two objects together. The bigger the mass of one object the bigger the pull.

No wonder man since his inception has been inquisitive, pondering, and thinking about God. Our curiosity is the precursor to the discovery of truth. Every human being is drawn to God...they just may not have gained an understanding about this force to be able to interact with it yet.

Force = G (God*me)/distance from me to God....God is here and that is why I am attracted to Him. Force works both ways...God is also attracted to me.

That is amazing.

finally

2011-12-31T04:22:00.000-08:00

It has taken me longer than others. I think some people just get it earlier in life. I think some people have foresight and understand that their choices today affect their life tomorrow. It has taken me nearly 37 years to come to the realization that I will probably live the result of my choices for the next 50 years. Maybe it was foolishness, or blindness, or just plane ignorance but I never really believed I would live a long life. The result was quick thoughtless ventures with the hopes of ease and comfort. Bugger.

Maybe it is something about midlife...but I am getting older...way older than I thought. I look at people around me and I am no longer the kid. I can be the parent, the advisor, the sound mind, the someone I never dreamed of being...but am.

As I thought about the journey I have had as an adult I realized that the path I am currently on is not the path I want to continue down. I miss who I was as a missionary. I realize I will never wear that suit again. But that doesn't mean that I can't make a radical change now to recover the values that I held and hold so dear.

It is never too late to pursue dreams.

After much chit chat with my wife I am going back to school - I going to be a Dr. I have 2 years of science prereqs and an MCAT to get out of the way before starting. Then it is 4 years of school and 4 years of residency and by the time I am 47, my oldest will be in college, my middle one a Sr in high school, my 3rd a Sophmore and my boy -- well only 10.

I start school in Jan - 16 hours - 4 classes. I have already started studying. I will be a full time student, a full time dad, and have a full time job...thats a lot of full times...lol.

I think I get life now. I am no longer lost and wandering to and from. I learn something and it really makes sense. I have a worldview that helps me in life. Being older gives me an advantage as a student. As I learn I also have understanding and wisdom to accompany that knowledge. I learn and can fit that info in with application to life. My teachers will at times be peers or younger than me.

Anyway all that to say I am changing the direction of life because I am finally able to do so. I don't know why it has taken me so long - other than the fact that I have been foolish, short sighted, and rebellious. But like I said before, it is never to late to start again. No excuse from my past can trump my choice to change.

For me learning is the discovery of God. When I study DNA or physics I am uncovering the hand of God - discovering the heart, intent, and wonder of the creator. The more I study science the more I am convinced that God is real and His hand keeps us. So while this path may seem long and hard...I can't think of any better way to spend my time than exploring the depths of God while pursuing one of His heart felt values - to help and heal others.

Onward and upward.

Vain

2011-11-19T05:41:00.000-08:00

We are destructive people. We hurt each other, we hurt those we love, we hurt those we hate, we hurt ourselves. We have good intentions that are followed up by weak resolve and laziness. We want to be better but often times we sabotage the very joy we so desperately seek. Often ill equipped, to ignorant to seek counsel, and to proud to follow advice when given we are our own worst enemy. We need help to journey in life. We need the wisdom of others who can guide us down the dark windy roads. We need light from the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit. We need the Good Shepard to care for us.

I like being a guide. I enjoy helping others who either do not know the way or have not traveled as far as I have. I understand that many times they will deviate from the path to drink from the poisoned waters. I know that they will intentionally stray thinking they know better, when they do not. I know this because I have done the same. I know that my efforts may not be welcomed and some will continue in their harmful ways. I know that even though I can shine a light, lead the way, give direction, and beg and plead for them to take another path they inevitably will not.

Is it vain to believe in rescue? Is it vain to try?

No. My efforts are not predicated on their choices. My efforts cannot and will not be determined by others self hate.

God never gives up on us. He longs for our friendship, pursues our love, guides us into His presence. We don't follow. We don't listen. We do what we want. But he still helps. How can I do any less?

choice

2011-11-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

I am forever betrothed to God. United and bonded to hope. Grafted into rest. Destined for glory. Love changes. The longer I walk with God, the longer I am betrothed to Him, the more I understand discovery of the unknown. Each passing year reveals an expression of God and depth of life that I could not have known without the journey. That journey is made possible by the commitment of Him to me and me to Him. As long as I don't give up this journey will continue to bring new life.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 13 years, our love has changed over the years, it is not the same as it was in the beginning. It is deeper, different, more rewarding, more secure, and less busy. I am completed with her companionship. I am stronger and better with her by my side. But it is the result of a choice to weather the storms of life with her even if she is storms cause. There is no victory in surrender. The sweetness of this life we share is birthed through trial and tribulation. I imagine the same to be true with God. The journey of life is one where commitment must prevail. He is committed to me and I to Him and that is enough to endure it all.

egypt

2011-09-03T07:03:00.001-07:00

It has been nearly 2 months since I last posted. Nothing to share. Nothing but darkness. Nothing but doubt. Nothing but confusion. It is hard to even explain the level of apathy that plagues me. I feel like I could leave all my faith behind and it not make any difference in my life. I often think what a secular life would be like. But then I look around and think, I am pretty much there now. I don't know what restrains me from falling over this cliff. I am at the edge. I see the depths. I lean but am held back...why, what is it, where does it come from, is it beyond me?

The path I chose has led me to a place I don't like, I don't know how to move from it. I don't know how to undo it. It seems so easy to have gotten hear, all downhill, but to get back it looks all uphill. I don't know how to carry with me those who have all to willingly followed me to this end. I don't know how to retrace, to scared to start over, to much to carry back. So here I am camped on the edge, far from where I ever imagined myself.

What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul? I have not gained the world, but in my pursuit of it, I have lost part of me and I miss it.

Israel was not birthed in the promise land...they were formed and fashioned in Egypt and in the desert. Maybe God sees this child in Egypt and is coming to my rescue, maybe not. For now my last thought is simply SOS.

enjoying experience

2011-07-02T06:26:00.001-07:00

Enjoying experience. I think it is a gift. The ability to enjoy ALL of life's experiences - the good and bad. The yelling boss, the friendly coworker, the financial distress, the smile of your children, the decay of your body, hot morning coffee, the loss of a loved one, a kiss from your spouse, a fight with your spouse, movie night, brokenness, a faithful pet, shattered dreams, hope, hopelessness, faith, doubt, love, hate, anger, joy, mercy, judgement, His closeness and His absence.

We are so resilient and strong and brave. Life keeps us busy. Always presenting something new whether it is good or bad. Embrace life, whether it be the hurricane of trouble or a flood of blessing for we know in the end we finish this race in the arms of Jesus and the smile of God over us.

I used to be so concerned about tomorrow. Worry would rob me of my today. How often has worry robbed my now, stolen what is precious simply because I let him?

Jesus laid out a pretty simple plan for life, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matt 6:34

Let my today be filled with the wonder of mowing the grass, swimming with my children, changing diapers, cooking dinner, gazing on the smile of my son, resting in the love of my wife, learning kung fu with my daughter, being amazed at the grace and power of Jesus and letting worry worry about itself.

The fullness of enjoying now.

finite

2011-06-26T06:39:00.000-07:00

I am not promised tomorrow. I have no guarantee of health. In fact, I am 100% sure that one day I will die. "One day" - I don't know when or how, but it is coming. As I was cutting the grass yesterday I was thinking about all the adventures and experiences that I have had in life; all of them the result of a choice. Also thinking about how I have taken for granted my very breath. Always expecting tomorrow, as if I was owed it. Never aware of the frailty of my existence, the grace and love that gives me breath, and the Father who blesses me with the joys and pains of life.

I sit hear and ask myself, "Am I making good choices? Will I be remembered by my family as a wonderful, irreplaceable father, kind and loving husband, and considerate neighbor? Or will the memories of me be that of worried, preoccupied, never satisfied, scared, workaholic, selfish, always in pursuit of trying to find himself, never having time for the family, always concerned about the next phase of life without fully embracing this one? Do I pursue my wants at the expense of love and kindness? Must I have and obtain through compromise and hurting of others?

The end is a sobering reality, the ultimate measuring stick, and for some a jolting wake up call. Did I live today with no regrets? More importantly did I love with passion, courage, and hope, positively impacting those also on this journey or did I let fear and nearsightedness get the most of me as I hurt those around so that I could be someone?

Psalm 90 - Teach me to number my days so that I may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 39 - Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days.

sifting

2011-06-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

I sifted you and I like what I see - God
Me too...

drought

2011-06-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

Parched. The land is dry. The grass is brown. The leaves on trees are withering. The sun is hot. The wind blows waves of heat. Nature needs water. I neglect my yard until the grass is hard enough to bother my bare feet then I ambush it with floods of water. Is it enough? Is it too late? Can it recover? Will the flood make up for the abandonment and neglect?

Same thought applies to my soul, my inner man. I sit hear flooding myself with worship and praise and I feel like the dry grass taking in as much as I can, pouring it on, more and more. But is it enough to make up for the daily neglect? Is it enough to sustain life and foster growth?

The psalmist wrote that his soul thirsted and longed for the living God. Some part of me has wanted God to be an accomplishment. Something I can acquire, put on my shelf and then pursue something else. But He is not. He is not a certificate that I can frame and hang on my wall. He is not a trophy I can display for others to see. He is not a notch in my belt, a destination, or a one night stand. He is pursuit. He is drive. He is the path.

My soul longs and thirsts for the living God because I consume Him, use Him and need more of Him for life. He is not to be fasted, limited, restricted, or avoided. He is the one portion I cannot overdue. I can supersize Him with joyful expectation.

Water me daily with your beauty, your grace, your forgiveness, your smile, your passion, your goodness, your time, and you presence.

tension

2011-06-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder why Jesus told us to expect trouble? You ever think that He was just blowing smoke. I mean if you look at the class of preachers and teachers on TV today you really have to wonder if Jesus knew what He was talking about. It would seem that all this jib jab about trouble somehow wasn't meant for us modern more sophisticated well to do Christians. The other day I was told that a local pastor who has four churches in the surrounding area would fly a helicopter to each church just so he could be there in person to preach his message (I think he missed the class on live video feed). Seriously a helicopter?

Let's not fault the pretty boys on TV, even our own ideas of blessing and the good life come from reading the Bible. The bible does talk about blessing. It does talk about God intervening on our behalf and doing miracles and wonders and blessing our socks off. So what was Jesus doing here?

I think He was balancing the see-saw out. Yes, we will have blessing in this life, but we will also have trouble. Life is full of tensions. I think it is the only way to keep things in check and balance.

To accomplish something great in life like a wonderful marriage, or phenominal parenting, or caring neighbor takes an encounter with tension. But it is just these tensions that enable us to really strengthen ourselves and give value to what we accomplish. Without the cross there is no salvation and without tension there is no prize.

Never quit.

the ah ha moment

2011-06-03T03:59:00.000-07:00

I have always been the type of person waiting and pleading for some special moment. I read the stories in the Bible and think that they should also happen to me. I have begged and pleaded with no fruit to show for my effort. To be honest it was downright discouraging. I didnt want to admit it but it just seemed that I was doomed to not get it.

I think we all are hoping for some miracle in our lives. We are all in some way wanting some knight in shining armour to come to our rescue in a bold and mighty and highly visible way so that we can without a doubt know that God is for us. And that is just it. We doubt. I doubt - to be frank. I just need more. I need to see. I need to touch. I need to hear...but the reality is that even if I saw, touched, and heard I would still doubt.

No, there is no proof tangible or otherwise that can beat down doubt. There is no cage fighter strong enough, quick enough or smart enough to cause doubt to tap out. Doubt is a dark enemy that has pierced my life for many years.

The ah ha moment I had this morning was that doubt has snuffed out the light, power, and effect of the simple truth of faith. Faith is the ah ha moment. Realizing that there are no ah ah moments; I dont need them when I believe. I don't need the spectacular or foreign to take hold of the truth that God lives in me and has given me power, wisdom, love, and His Spirit to do everthing He says. No, what I need is to simply believe.

I must have faith to walk with God. Faith allows me to see the miracle in the mundane, the nostaglic in the normal, the wonder in the worldly, and the face of God all around me.

I am no longer a slave to an ah ha moment, a special touch from the Maker, no, I have been freed to walk by faith and not by sight.

fathering

2011-05-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

I must admit that I am easily bored with most of what I am hearing these days in the Christian circles. It's not that it is not good, its just that I have heard it all before. Nothing is new, it is more a reminder of what I have already learned. This is not a new thing, but something that has been going on for years and I could not put my finger on what to do with it or how to handle it. Today I think I got it.

There comes a point when you have learned a skill that you have progressed to an expert level. At this level, while you can continue to learn and hone your skill, you are never progressing at the pace you did in the beginning. Take martial arts for example. Getting a black belt, means progressing through the different colored belts throughout the year. Each belt progression gets longer, harder, and more is required. Once a black belt getting your degrees takes more time to further you progress. It can take years and years to advance in degrees. However, at this stage you are no longer just learning, you are teaching. You are training others in the skill. It took a friend of mine 5 years to get his black belt, 3 years to get his 1st degree, and 5 years to get his 2nd degree and 10 years to get his 3rd degree.

I think what I realized today was that I have been a Christian for a long time and my boredom is the call the disciple making. I have learned and learned well. I am well educated in my faith. While there will always be room for improvement I will never be able to return to the beginning when my faith was new, my mind was ignorant and my courage was naive. At this stage in my Christian faith I am no longer focusing on just being a disciple but rather making disciples. I am not longer drinking just milk or eating meat, I am feeding others.

As a father I do not expect my children to have the skills, knowledge or experience of what it means to be an adult or parent. I am teaching them, guiding them, and helping them grow. I have grown up in life enough to now impart life to them.

I have glamorized the past and found myself wishing for youthfulness again simply because I have not fully understood this stage of life, the direction of the path, or the hope for tomorrow. But today I have understood that just as I am a father, I am to be fathering (discipling). I have always been impatient in wanting to accomplish things, but really that was youthfulness. Now I am older and it is time to recognize that skill is strengthened over time.

I think so many times adults fail to recognize the stages of growth. There is always some desire for something in the past simply because they cannot understand the present.

Life lesson: I am a father in the business of making disciples and raising my children. You would think I would have understood this years ago, but I guess I never did. I get it today. I understand the path I am on with God. No turning back.

contending passionately

2011-05-07T05:29:00.000-07:00

There was a show called the Contender a while ago. It was about young aspiring amateur boxers

fighting and contending for their shot at super stardom. I have noticed that often times I want things to be easy; to come easy. I have this image of myself as some honored king expecting everything to flow to me from servants on silver platters. But that is not how it is. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

The things that we most value in life, the things we want most, love most, cherish most, hold most dear are often the most difficult and mysterious to maintain, grow, and keep. If we were honest I would say that obtaining and possessing anything of value is just flat hard.

Let's take my wife for example. When we met in 1999 there was an energy, a euphoric love, a blissful and negligent emotion, passion, and drive. I had never met anyone like her, and no one compared to her. Twelve years later that passion is what has enabled me to contend for my marriage, my relationship, my family, and our love. I say contend because it has not come without a fight, struggle, or pain. And I will continue to contend because it matters and there is nothing valuable in this life that comes without contention.

Passion fuels my drive to contend. Passion fuels my energy to push forward. Passion empowers me to overcome hardship. Passion propels me forward in darkness and confusion. Passion overcomes logic, reason, probabilities, and laws. Passion. You can hid it, shove it away, stuff it, run from it, deny it, and abandon it, but it never ever goes away. No matter how brutal the force that contends against it, it is a raging life. It has no limits and will not be held at bay. It cannot be contained, bridled, tamed, or snuffed out. It is forever the force that enables us to WIN.

Passion's pilot light can never be snuffed out. There it flickers waiting for us to turn on the gas, to crank up the fuel, to give it life.

Contending means never giving up. It means persevering in value. It means understanding that I will get my head bashed in, my knees broken, and emotions ransacked. It means that there is a brutal force that comes as an army of Goliaths. It means that darkness will be thick, depressing, and unabated. It means that after I have taken my beating and the round is over I sit in my corner and listen to the voice of God saying never give up. Get out there and fight. Fight the good fight of faith.

Paul tells Timothy to fight the good fight (6:12). There is a good fight. There is a voice inside. There is a power that overcomes. There is a passion that will not die. There is a promise that will be claimed. There is a God that never fails, sitting in our corner, believing in us, contending for us.

complacency

2011-04-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

Before I lived in Argentina I was openly Christian. I was radically a Jesus freak. I saw the demarcation line clearly and knew the difference between the two sides; those who had Jesus and followed Him and those who did not.

I went to Argentina and that difference continued. Maybe it was because I was an obvious foreigner. It was easy to stand out, it was easy to maintain that edge, it was me and them. I have been back in the USA for over 10 years now and that line of demarcation no longer exists. I no longer feel it is me and them, I feel it is just us. I am one of the rest. In the promise land I am getting fat off peace and compromise.

I have a great paying job. I have great working hours. I have a 3300 sq ft home, 2 cars, 4 kids, a dog, health, comfort, and a stirring inside. Something in me saying this just isn't right. Something in me wanting to take a leap of faith, to follow a dream, but unwilling or unable to make the sacrifice to do that.

I can't believe 10 years has gone by. I can't believe that I abandoned a dream - not that I set out to do that, it just somehow happened. And now complacency keeps that dream at bay. I am stirred inside but not sure what to do with this stirring, not sure how to give it life, not sure I can do it without things getting messy. Not sure those who must follow are ready, willing or able. Not sure I am. But in this pot of American satisfaction I recline with my pina colada knowing that I am out of place.

But it is not just the dream forgone, it is the passion, the sanctification, the salvation that in Christ I am someone different. This complacency penetrates my thoughts about God and leaves me just fat and happy in the promise land.

There is a line between us and them, between those who know and love Jesus and those who dont; between those whose lives are ravished by sin and those whose lives are ravished by salvation; between those whose hearts are full of anger, bitterness, hate, and fear those whose hearts are filled with the life of the Holy Spirit. There is a difference. I want to see that difference. I want to be on one side pulling over others. I want to be able to see in the midst of comfort, satisfaction, complacency that there is still a war that is waging for the lives of those around me. I want to see and live with a recognition it is not okay to not follow Jesus, it is not okay to agree with evil thoughts, it is not okay...

When I think of people that I admire, respect and want to be like - they are ministers not CEO's. There is nothing wrong with the CEO, its just not me.

what happened to Sunday?

2011-04-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder what kind of confusion the disciples were experiencing the week leading up to Jesus crucifixion. As we are in the season of lent and the holy week I wanted to just take a moment to think about how you go from triumph to death to awe.

I bet on palm Sunday when Jesus made his entry into Jerusalem with the crowd going wild the disciples were feeling at the top of their game. Here they were with Jesus, the promised Messiah, the crowd is going crazy, Jesus will be the next reigning king. I bet they were ready. I bet they were already thinking about that new kingdom. I bet they were excited, smiling, handing out high fives, and living the dream. I bet they were thinking about their place in this new kingdom. They were about to go from the nobodies to the somebodies, from the oppressed to the ruling.

Jesus was doing exactly what they thought. He was fulfilling their understanding and expectations.

But boy did they get the curve ball later in the week. I wonder if they ever clued into the fact that Gethsemane was coming. I wonder when they started to think that something was terribly wrong. What day or what words did they hear that began to cast shadows on their bright future? Do you think they saw the signs and understood the events of the fig tree, the temple cleansing, the last supper? Or where they just so enamored by their own interpretation of events, of Scripture, that they refused to acknowledge the fact that God had charted a new course? That the events they had read about and been taught in the synagogues were not the correct interpretation of what was about to take place.

I think there is something to be said about our desire for God to crush our oppressors and free us from "romans". That is what the disciples were anticipating. Jesus didn't come to crush external governments or political parties - He came to free us from internal bondage and heal our brokenness.

We too like the disciples come in on triumphal Sunday thinking God is going to do something great and mighty only to have our savior crucified. How many times have we been hood winked into hoping that something or someone will save us from our misery only to have our hopes and dreams beaten down by Romans, betrayed by close friends, and buried in a tomb?

I bet the disciples were in a world of confusion. Nothing they had planned or expected was working out. Nothing they had hoped for was coming to pass. The God they had followed was dead. The Savior they looked to had failed them. They were scattered in darkness, alone, and left with nothing. Having given up everything with hopes of more, they realized it was all for nothing.

I guess I see God that way in my own life. I have lived the euphoric Palm Sunday only to find myself staring at the Skull, wondering what the hell just happened. But staring at the Skull is vain. The truth is not found there, it is found in darkness; by staring into the dark place of an empty grave. In that dark hole I find the freedom, truth, power, and LIGHT of God. That grave is empty.

Stair into darkness - He is alive - He is risen and though I don't understand this new path I am convinced that His plan for my life is better than anything I dreamed about on Palm Sunday and bigger than any crucified dream on Good Friday.

My Jesus lives, dashed hopes, misinterpreted Scripture, and shattered dreams have no power over an empty grave.

Let's never forget - HE IS ALIVE and that makes all the difference in my broken world.

be an anarchist

2011-04-19T03:57:00.000-07:00

I don't have too many original ideas. I just read and see other stuff and then start to think about it. ShadowingGod.com wrote on this topic and it made me think. What does it mean to be in the world but not of the world?

I think it is the desire of each human heart. I think some part of us really wants to be different, to escape, to rise above what we see this world has to offer. I think it is what causes people to act, it motivates them to something, to a belief that there is something better.

When I think of being in the world I can't help but know that I am constrained within its limits and influenced by its values. However, I do not have to live according to its ways. I am blessed with every spiritual blessing. That must mean something. That must mean that as heaven invades my life, I invade this of world and become something / someone different.

Heaven, Holy Spirit fill my life and enable me to rise above. I do not have to fear or covet or doubt or steal or kill or hate or seek revenge or protect self or push or shove or win. No I can be this new man Jesus has made me to be. I can confidently put on the new self, the new mind, the new cloths, the new life and transcend the consequences of worldly anarchy. I can be an anarchist in its most pure and holy sense - in the world but not of the world.

longing

2011-04-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

What my heart longs for is community, a sense of belonging. I reminisce about the past and ponder the life of community I shared with others. I want that again. I am hungry for a life that is met with messy and deep relationships. I don't mind the chaos for the pursuit of life. I will gladly take on adversity to rid myself of loneliness.

I am in a place now where I can create belonging, I just don't know how to do it. But it is better to be in a position of possibility and empowerment than not.

This longing is a goad that prods and compels me toward the path of destiny. I will be His and He will guide me and teach me and lead me. That is His promise.

Be wise in what is good, and innocent in what is evil...Rom 16:19

fluid

2011-04-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

As I dunk my chocolate chip cookies into my coffee and listen to music I am flooded with hope and rest. He is enough. He is more than sufficient. He is total. He is all. He is fulfilling. I have been wondering for quite some time why do I need to recognize these truths? Why must I be aware of them? Because awareness of this means that I must experience and know and feast with their antithesis. Why do I have to experience emptiness, doubt, lack, hopelessness, fear, and pain? If I didn't have this buffet of adversity then I could not know the glory of overcoming, the power of the Holy Spirit, the comfort of Father, the pleasure of hope, and the rest of peace from war.

I live in a conflicted world. I live conflicted. I live enbattled. I guess without this reality there would be no striving, no forward progress, no excellence, no awareness of the cross and its glorious life. We have promise. We have victory. We have. We possess. We own. We belong. We are held.

My life is the art of walking with God and the science of renewing my mind.

I have been reading books by Joseph Myers and thinking about organic life. I have always been about process and master planning. While these two ideas have been great they have been condemning. I needed to read this stuff. It has helped me understand the idea of fluidity, flow, and organic growth in ways that have been very freeing and hopefully will be freeing for others as well.

memories

2011-04-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I remembered a family I won to Jesus in Argentina. I had created an outreach to students in our neighborhood. I offered to teach them computer skills for free, with no strings attached. Several students came all eager to learn. The idea was to just start to build bridges into the community and then share Jesus with them. For one family it meant that mom and 3 brothers would come to know Jesus. More than 10 years later they are faithfully following Jesus. One of the boys married one of the girls from the church. Changed lives.

Who knew that the small girl whose father was my friend would one day be married to the boy I led to Jesus all because I offered to teach computer.

I look at the kids that were part of my youth group more than a decade ago, they are all grown up, some married with kids, others just enjoying life, and I think of the amazing time we had in creating community, in seeing God change and impact people, and in being part of authentic discipleship.

I miss that. I have missed it for a long time. I long to be actively seeing others come to know the Savior. I have to return to my calling.

companionship

2011-04-12T04:01:00.000-07:00

God wants companions. Is 66:4 says that evil people chose "that which I did not delight." As a result they were punished. When I look at my girls and my new son I think of all the things that we will one day do together. I am excited about having someone like me in the house, a companion. When someone likes what I like and wants to do what I do, there is a natural affinity.

God looks upon me, created in His image, bearing His Spirit, and He longs for me to like what He likes, to take interest in that which is important to Him, and to walk with Him. When God came looking for Adam in the garden I think He was coming to hang out. I think He was looking to be with Adam and enjoy his company. I think He was pretty amazed and happy with man.

I still think God longs for that simple companionship. Someone to spend time with, someone who will like what He likes, and find valuable His thoughts and ways. Our life gives us the precious commodity of choice. One day, in heaven, that choice may not be so valuable, but today it matters. Today choice means something.

victorious conflict

2011-04-11T03:59:00.000-07:00

I live in conflict. We live in conflict. We exist in the tension of sin and holiness, of heaven and hell, of light and dark. We are buffeted by evil yet given power. We are troubled but made overcomers. We are in the world but not of the world. We have citizenship in heaven yet remain on earth.

Whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith. 1 John 5:4

Choices. I have choices. This world allows me the blessing and curse of choosing. I am instructed by God, taught by His word, and given a choice to follow and do. The testing, the suffering, the trials, the pain, lead me to constant choosing.

In trouble, pain, conflict, tension, and temptation I choose God. I will make it my priority to choose His way for my family. I will seek to follow His advice on raising my children in His way.

Choose right so that the choices made are not regretted.

new life

2011-04-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

My baby boy was born on April 3, 2011. Eli Edwin Whitney came into our home weighing 8lb 14 oz and measuring 21 inches. A boy. I have three girls whom I love deeply. I never thought I would have a son and I never thought having son would bring on a new world of life and joy, but it has.

In some strange way I feel validated. A man to call mine, odd. In some way I feel completed, honored, stronger, and better. I feel unexpectedly different, drawn to this little boy who carries my image, bears my name, and can pee standing up. My wife and I were not trying for a boy, in fact we have always been extremely happy with each gift. But the arrival of Eli has not only impacted us but also the girls. I think they were ready for the boy. They care for him, snuggle with him, kiss him, smother him, and are proud to be big sisters.

At 36 I am a Father again, for some that is old, but I am glad it is later in my parenting life. I think I have much more wisdom, patience, and love than I did 11 years ago. I can be assured that those mistakes I made along with way will not be repeated. Its like another shot, starting over.

I love starting over. I love new beginnings. It's like I get to wipe out my failures and just start off with a fresh clean slate. Second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chances relieve my soul and make me smile. Life is full of do overs. Each day is a do over.

God gives me do overs. He is full of second and third chances. Thank you Lord for Your continued encouragement and help.

Blessed be Adonai.

doing

2011-04-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

This is one of the more difficult times in my life, at least in recent memory. I am still dealing with a shattered dream and its repercussions. I am also confronted with my overwhelming sense of being busy but accomplishing little. I have always been the guy observing and critiquing the work of others. I have busied myself but have accomplished little. I have come to the conclusion that I can not keep going on like this. I must accomplish something in this life. That accomplishing will not just happen upon me, it must be intentional and directed.

My gifting is telling others what to do, but that is not working with me now. It is time that I purpose and direct self towards an end. For me this is not easy. It is the source of much anxiety, stress, and tension. I am constantly under my own gun. I am trying to go somewhere with no path to follow. I feel like I know where I want to go, but with my machete in hand I hake away at endless jungle.

I am attacked by the conflict of what I want and what is real now. I feel completely unskilled to make the change.

But that is the whole point of this phase of life...man up. It is this conflict that will grant me the skills I really need to overcome the tension and conflict that I face on this journey. I will not be beaten into submission. I know that I have much to learn and by the grace and strength and wisdom and goodness of God I will prevail.

This life is a conflict, a tension between heaven and hell. I may be feeling squeezed on all sides, as every other person does, but I will not bow.

Onward and upward in this grueling task.

given access

2011-03-27T06:35:00.000-07:00

Col 1:13 says that God rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves...

That dominion of darkness and sin that once held me is related to knowledge of good and evil. It says that Adam and Eve's "eyes were opened"...strange way to talk about being thrown into a world of sin, chaos, destruction and darkness. I am grateful that as pagan I could live under the grace, mercy, and love of God. I am grateful that the goodness and kindness of God floods this world even in the darkest hour. Even in Satan's most triumphant moment the goodness and grace of God still govern.

God still comes walking in the cool of the garden to find me. He still extends His love and grace in my life.

I was given access again to the garden by partaking of the tree of life. I was given new clothes, new knowledge, new eyes, and a new heart. I can walk with Him and rest in His love.

hell

2011-03-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Dave McDonald wrote this about hell.

Did God create Hell? If so, why did He create something from which we need saving?
The most accurate theological answer is that Hell is not necessarily a place that God created. It’s a place from which God has withdrawn. It’s the place where he is not, rather than the place where everything is as he wants it to be.
So, why did he need something from which we need saving? The question is maybe misplaced. The question is: Will you live with him? That’s the real question.

I love that quote. Hell is a place where God has withdrawn.

When Adam and Eve sinned they withdrew from God. God came "looking" for them. The knowledge of good and evil created a separation that God has been trying to fix since. I am still trying to work that idea out.

We often hear the story about the "fall" but I have never really pondered what took place. But what I gather is that Adam and Eve acquired knowledge and that knowledge broke us forever. Knowing good and evil created in me the ability to choose either and God has been wooing me in the midst of this war to choose Him just as He is choosing me.

What has knowing good and evil really cost me? What has knowing good and evil really cost God?

safety from pain

2011-03-24T03:51:00.000-07:00

one aspect of pain is that it keeps us safe. When I touch a knife I know that the harder I press on the blade the more it is going to hurt. That sense of pain keeps me from impaling myself on knives. Leporsy causes nerve damage. The issue with nerve damage is that people no longer know when to stop doing something that is hurting their body. That is why lepors are often missing toes, limbs, and cause damage to their body.

We need pain in life to keep us from hurting ourselves and others. All kinds of pain are needed to keep us safe. I often don't think of pain as a safety mechanism but it does have its upside.

If I start with the truth God loves me and work from there. Then I can begin to understand pain What I can't understand I pray about, and what is never revealed to me I call mystery knowing that His ways are higher than mine.

It is not just sensing pain that keeps us safe, but what about all other types of pain. What if they too keep us safe? What if emotional pain, loss pain, crazy pain, inner pain, caused, permitted, and found is someway related to his gift of safety?

Thank you Papa, that you loved me so much you gave me the ability to feel pain.

loves inner workings

2011-03-23T04:02:00.000-07:00

Fruit - the fruit of the Spirit, whether you think it is one fruit or many fruits, its production is the result of an amazing inner life.

love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control

love cannot be manufactured it must be produced. The difference is that one I try to create, the other is the result of being connected to the vine and growing in a truth.

The truth that must captivate my soul and flood my awareness is that I am precious, cared for, special, cherished, thought of, and His.

Papa, flood my awareness of you love for me today so that others can also experience You.

happy pain

2011-03-11T03:54:00.000-08:00

I know these last couple of posts have seemed kind of down. They may have given off the idea that I was going through some kind of personal hell, which I am not. During my fast I came to believe that God really does love me, in fact, He is crazy for me. I knew that this discovery would be a life long learning process, that I had not just found something, but that I had discovered a new path to journey on.

The first part of that journey is confronting pain and trouble. I finally believe that I can honestly tackle the questions of why a good and loving Father permits and inflicts pain on me?

Before I could only really dance around the issue, I could not face it head on. I had no foundational experience of His love. I am able to address this question because it must be answered.

On Sunday the pastor asked the congregation why we don't live more like Christians? Why don't we live the life we claim to have? Why don't we live for the God we claim to know?

I think the answer is easy; it is not because we don't want to, or because we are intentionally trying to avoid it. I think the answer is because we recognize that pain and trouble plagues us and it doesn't make sense. We recognize that something isn't right, that something isn't the way we thought it would and should be. Why is divorce and abuse the same in the church as it is outside the church? Why is Islam taking over and the church not?

Easy, because we still are trying to reconcile the God that we are learning about with the reality of the life experience.

I am not sad. I am not mad. I am not upset at God. I am questioning. I am wondering why the Christian friends that I love, whom God loves more, lose their children to death and drugs, lose their family to affairs, lose their finances to a bad economy, lose their purpose and hope to pain and trouble? I wonder why? And so do they. I ask the question because I know it must be asked and answered.

One of the books that attempted to answer that question said the reason that bad things happen to good people is because God is not powerful enough to stop it. Really? It basically claimed that God isn't who He claims to be. That is a bad answer.

So let me assure you I am well. I am hurting for the hurt and on a journey to bring hope and healing in meaningful and real ways. I will not just offer some pat answer like, "we are more than overcomers." We need some substance to confront the pain and trouble that entangles us.

I know that God's love is real and sufficient, but I cannot hid my head in the sand when pain is all around.

a beaten overcomer?

2011-03-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

They always tell me I am an overcomer. I don't feel like an overcomer. They say that nothing can separate me from the love of God. I don't feel connected to His love. They say that there is a blessed life to be had. I can only go on so long trying to convince myself that all this stuff is true before I crack and scream. Life doesn't teach me these lines. Life doesn't give me the path of victory. In fact, life comes along and steals my hopes, crushes my dreams, leaves my prayers unanswered, and turns overcoming into abuse.

I am tired of the contradictions that my mind exploits between what I understand the Bible to say and what my life experience is telling me. I am tired of living life with this unresolved tension. I am tired of mouthing comfort that I do not feel. I am tired of saying things will be okay, when they are not. I am tired of believing in good in this life when pain socks me in the face.

Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed or having a pity party, I am just sick of living in contradiction. I am sick of trying to make the bible say something that my life is not saying. I am tired of hearing people mouth faith that has no foundation. I am so sick and tired of it.

I need answers...we need answers.

The answer for me is simple...what I have been taught about God and this life is crap. I read the bible with the glasses of preconceived theology that never answers life's toughest and most relevant questions. I live and walk ignorantly spouting words of faith and hope that do their best to convince people of God's goodness but really only leave them prisoners of fear and contradiction; to afraid to ask questions, to afraid to make sense of life's punishments, pain, trouble, and suffering.

How can I believe in His love in the midst of tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril and sword (Rom 8:35)? How can I be a conqueror when "for thy sake we are being put to death all day long (Rom 8:36)? Don't you ask these same questions? Don't they seem like raging contradictions.

They were not for Paul. Paul had no problem with claiming the love of God in the midst of death, life, angels, principalities, things present, things to come, height, depth, and other created things assaulting his life trying to separate him from God's love. He didn't care that he was beaten, unable to preach, belittled, betrayed, stabbed in the back, depressed, and heartbroken. He somehow knew that this world would punch him silly internally and externally but that God's love was not disrupted.

His hope was different than mine. His hope transcended this world and eliminated the contradictions that beat me up.

His expectations of life were different than mine. His expectations of answered prayer were different than mine. His view of pain was different than mine. His view of the blessed life was different than mine. He wrote and I grabbed the wrong glasses and began to see things differently than what he was trying to communicate.

Let's face it, Rom 8 is the preachers showboat. It is the passages of scripture we use to gloss over the monsters within. It is the scripture we use to shove people into a cave of contradiction and defeat. Why? Because we are afraid that if we acknowledge this contradiction we feel, live, and recognize, we too will conclude with so much of the world, that God is not as good, great, and mighty as I make Him out to be. And if so, then maybe I am better off without Him.

Paul says that God is for us and that I cannot be separated from His love. God is fixing my mind to make this not just a thought but my experience.

the lottery Jesus

2011-03-04T03:57:00.000-08:00

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Rom 8:17-18

I don't know about you, but I am still trying to figure this one out.

When I came to the understanding of God's love and joy for me I knew that I was about to begin a long hard journey of reconciling my bad theology, my misconceptions, and my life experience with the truth of God. But knowing and even anticipating pale in comparison to experience.

How many books, how many sermons talk about the "blessed life"? They pump up the idea of name it claim it, call for it and it will come, of tithe so that heaven opens up. These guys on TV talk about hope and the prosperous life. But they never address the lottery effect of being a Christian.

The lottery effect: people walk into a store, buy a few tickets, hope and pray they will win big and most never do. They hope against hope, play against the odds, and believe that one day they will be just like the guy on TV, super rich without a care in the world.

I feel that way with God many times. But worse. I feel entitled to win the lottery. I feel like as His child I should be given all the blessings of the prosperous life here. I feel like the guy on TV is right. I see his life and think, wow he is blessed, why not me. I know, before you go off saying it, I am blessed, right? Don't get me wrong I am not discounting the things in my life, I am just not ignorant of the pain and suffering that sits on my table either.

The point is this, I see these guys, good guys. I am not talking about the obvious TV crazies, I am talking about the people we see and all admire. They speak well, have sound theology, and show genuine care for people. But what I get from them is the lottery effect.

I wonder when will I hit the jackpot with Jesus. I wonder when will I get to a place where I think, feel, and live the winning ticket. I wonder...and then I read that verse at the top. I read that verse and put the brakes on my lottery Jesus. I have to re-frame my whole life. I have to reconstruct my house cause my house of cards just came tumbling down. I read that verse and I have to discard all the televangelist BS. I read that verse and I have to come up with real answers. I can no longer ignore the elephant in the room. The two opposing truths must find peace. And that conflict is this: how can a loving, all powerful, caring, competent, merciful God, Father and Friend, fail to do for me what I would never fail to do for my own kids, friends, or enemy?

Yes that abundant life that is preached today is a fog that fades quickly when the burning sun of pain and suffering rise in the morning to guide your life.

I am on a journey to believe, love, follow, and trust a God who permits and brings me suffering. But first I must reconcile the idea of love and pain before I can embrace Him.

I have every confidence that I will have answers to the most difficult questions in life and never again lead people to the lottery Jesus.

i don't get it

2011-02-28T03:53:00.000-08:00

1 John 3:21-22...Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.

Does your life walk validate this verse? I believe that my heart is upright. I do not live in condemnation. The condemnation that John is talking about is loving our brother. If we are living in perfect love then we can pray with confidence, under the full assurance that we get what we pray for.

I do not get it. My experience with prayer is not this one. So I must conclude one of two things, 1. it is not true or 2. I do not understand the meaning of the verse.

In the past I would have assumed that something was wrong with me. I would have thought, that I am living in a lie. I would have thought that there must be some hidden sin in my life. I would have prayed and sought and confessed and beat myself. Another road I would have taken was to ignore this verse as some complex mystery. I would not have sought to hold God accountable to His word. But now I look at it as a mystery; something deep and complex waiting for me to find meaning and life in. I see this verse and am drawn to know and experience it.

I imagine the disciples were a bit like me. When Jesus came to Israel, they expected Him to be some ruling king. They expected Him to come in with a tank and a crown. But He did not. No wonder they all turned on Him at the end. Here was the promised one, doing nothing they understood Him to do. Here was the Messiah taking crap and getting killed. Here was the Anointed One being betrayed for 30 pieces of silver.

That did not fit the theology of the time. Not even John the Baptist saw it. He even questioned Jesus' authenticity. Why? Because they all have read, had been taught, had expected the Messiah to come and do what the Word said He would. Do you see it. How often do I read the word, study the mysteries of God and walk away with some wrong view or thoughts about who God is or what He does.

How do I know they are wrong, because my experience tells me so. When life contradicts my understanding of the Bible, I need to clean my glasses and get a fresh look.

Many people fail to reexamine their thoughts in the light of their experience. They never come to a point where they say, maybe I was wrong in how I read or understood that verse. Maybe my way of seeing that Scripture is off.

I want 1 John 3:22 to be the reality of my life, but it is not. Or maybe it is. The truth is I don't get it.

When my life experiences contradicts what I understand the Bible to say then I will take refuge in what I do know to be true and let the mysteries draw me into the adventure of discovering the heart and love of God.

trouble and love

2011-02-26T06:27:00.000-08:00

I often talk to Christians who go through hardship or hear stories of the tough times that have befallen others. Inevitably in that story is the phrase, "God meant it for good," or "God knows what He is doing." Or something to the effect. The idea is that we are looking for meaning. We need something to squash the idea that God is ruthless, mean, apathetic, tired, vindictive, uncaring, and distant. We need some phrase to rescue us from the image of God that is creeping in to take hold of our mind.

We live in the war of two truths, "In this world we will have trouble." (John 16:33) and "the love of God has been lavished on us." (1 John 3). We try to reconcile the two. We try to believe in the love of God while living a life of pain, hurt, brokenness, and disappointment. It takes everything we have to not just blindly give up, curse God, and walk away. So we cope. We cope by creating little phrases that try to make sense out of misery. We cope by thinking God is ultimately going to shower down blessing. We cope by believing there is some greater purpose. We cope by hoping that all this for my good.

But somewhere deep inside we doubt. Somewhere deep inside we question. Somewhere deep inside we revolt. Somewhere way down in the darkness we cry, weep, and wonder. Cause the truth is, it doesn't make sense. All those phrases don't calm the agony, don't heal the pain, and don't change the situation. We are left standing with arms wide open and all the hugs already given out. In this world you will have trouble.

Last night my wife and I were talking about the potential of bad things happening in our lives. As much as I wanted to believe that they would not, as much as I wanted to believe that they would have meaning and purpose, I could not. I would not. I did not need to.

Why? I have this overriding belief that
1. I can never fully understand what happens in my life because I do not have all knowledge
2. God governs my life with absolute, unfailing, unquestionable, and ruthless love

I used to answer why there was trouble in this world, and I am sure many of you still do, but I don't anymore. No matter what I experience, as a child of the Ruler of the universe, I am convinced that good or bad is immaterial in light of the knowledge of governing and overriding love for my life.

This one thought captivates me; God never stopped loving His son, and He was rejected, beaten, betrayed, deserted, spit upon, and nailed to wood. While in the past my theology has sought to explain this phenomenon I no longer try. I am lavished with His love in a world where pain assaults my mind, body, and emotion. I am lavished with His love when I am guided down dead end paths and dreams become nightmares. I am lavished with His love when clarity becomes confusion. I am lavished with His love as I accept the mystery of trouble.

Peter swam

2011-02-24T18:56:00.000-08:00

I can't help but think about the day that Peter swam. It was after Jesus had been risen from the dead. It was also after Peter had fallen.

I wonder what it was that compelled him in his fallen state to jump from the boat and swim to Jesus. I wonder what it was that he knew that I don't. What was it that caused him to run after God, when all I can think to do is flee?

You ever get that way? I mean, here we are living the dream, untouchable, confident that we are God's gift to people, and then we just blow it. I mean we blow it, a moral failure, bad thoughts, bad actions, just plain bad stuff comes spewing out of us. Is God really the first one I run to? And if so, is it because I really know why I am running to Him, or is it because I really don't believe that there are any consequences to my sin?

I guess what I am trying to say is this; Peter knew the love and mercy and compassion and joy of Jesus. He knew that he could fling himself out of the boat, run to the lover of His soul, bear himself without shame, feel the embrace of his master, and fall apart under grace. He knew that somewhere in Jesus was a new life. He knew that somewhere in Jesus was an embrace that could restore him. He knew that somewhere he would find the man who didn't throw stones.

What an incredible joy for Peter. What an incredible joy for me. I can blow it in the worst way possible. And even if there are raging consequences to my sin and failure. Even if the spanking leaves me limping, He loves me with restoration, healing, and kindness.

Can we leave it at this; when I fall and am covered in self and reek with stench of sin I can turn to Papa. Peter understood the love of Jesus, Judas did not. I wonder how often we live as Judas, under the guilt and weight of our failures? I wonder how often we think He won't understand, won't forgive, won't love, won't show mercy, won't punish, or just won't care? I wonder how often we find comfort with Judas as we share a pint?

Judas never understood the love of God, Peter did.

love tasted in confusion

2011-02-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

There are times when the things we expect do not occur. When what we see and hope for never manifest. There are times when we think in certainty only to live uncertainty. As much as we pray and hope and are encouraged by others nothing can fully insulate you from the things that you don't want taking place.

I wanted a toy. I felt certain I was going to get the toy. In my mind I said I was okay in not getting the toy. I did not get the toy.

Waiting for the toy, getting ready for the toy, thinking about life with the toy was an enjoyable experience. I knew there was a chance I would walk away with nothing. I knew there was a chance that all my hopes and expectations would culminate with zero. But I thought it was a distant and remote chance, like not really possible. You know that feeling you have when you think something is a shoe in...but just to protect yourself you say, "Nahh."

I didn't get the toy, and the strange series of events leading me to believe the toy would be mine has left me experiencing another aspect of God. Again theology is my spiritual derivative, trying to walk straight after the whirlwind is relational experience, and it trumps what I thought.

This is not the first time I did not get a toy. But this is the first time I have looked up to Papa and known His love inspite of it. In the past I would have been raising my fits and yelling. But today I just marvel at His incredible love for me. I may not have gotten this toy but I have gotten more of Him; the joy of brokenness, the wonder of confusion, and the hope of desire.

Papa you hold me with your beauty, and in my confusion you ensure my heart of Your pleasure, joy, and love for me. I don't have to know tomorrow. I don't have to understand the plan. I don't have to see the path. You are the whirlwind that confuses me, and I am found in You, lost in love and held captive by mystery. Thank you.

narcissistic forgiveness

2011-02-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I reacted in a way that was mean and unkind to my wife. She called me out on it. I felt bad. I felt guilty for hurting her feelings. I felt a break in our unity. I felt her anger and sadness. I felt her dislike of me. And I didn't like that.

I asked and groveled for forgiveness. But why? What was I really trying to accomplish? Just 5 minutes earlier my wife was asking Grace, our 7 year old, for forgiveness. Now I was doing the same thing. I said I was sorry. I told her I was wrong. But she still had that frown on her face. You know, the yes I forgive you but am still gonna make you pay type frown. So I said to her, "Let's turn that frown upside down." Again something she had just said to Grace and something that Grace has at times said to her.

Inside me I was on a tear. I wanted to rewind time by 5 minutes. I wanted to go back to my happy self indulgent ways. I wanted my wife to continue to think I was the best and greatest thing since sliced bread. I wanted to time jump back to when I was feeling and being great. But I couldn't. I had this cold splash of reality that caused me to just stop everything and focus all my resources on getting me to feel good again.

We made up and she put a smile on her pretty little face and we went to bed. But as I lay there I was thinking about what just happened. What really took place? This is the sequence of events: I hurt my wife. She gets a frown on her face. She tells me I hurt her feelings. I feel bad. I ask for forgiveness. She forgives me. I work to get her to smile and give me a hug. She does. I feel good about me. We go to bed. I wonder what the hell just happened.

Did I really care about how I made her feel or was I just concerned about how I was feeling as a result of what I had done? Was I really seeking forgiveness to bring healing to her, or was it because I knew my life would be in the crapper if I let this wound fester in her? Why was I so adamant about her smiling and going back to the way things were? I lay in bed wondering what kind of sick psycho am I that my underlying motive for forgiveness wasn't her it was me.

I wanted to say sorry, not because it would help her, but because it would help her help me. Sure forgiveness does benefit the other person, but something in me wants reconciliation. Something in me feeds off the approval and peace of others. Something in me keeps me in survival mode.

When my dog knows she has done something wrong she tucks her tail, lowers her head, and shamefully walks to her crate. Soon she will come out all lovable and fun seeking to lick and play and just show you what a great dog she is.

I kind of feel like her. I tuck my tail and cower. I seek to make things right not because I have any intention of changing but just so I feel better about me, and more importantly, so that others feel and think better about me.

I can't stand broken relationships. I can't stand knowing that I have a problem with someone that needs to be resolved. I can't stand thinking that others don't see me as majestic as I see myself. Which makes me wonder if in all this narcissistic thinking, if when I seek reconciliation is it for them, us, or just me?

It's not that I am being hard on myself, but isn't asking for forgiveness supposed to be about the other person? Aren't we supposed to be looking out for the honest well being of others? Isn't asking forgiveness supposed to bring healing to the wounded party?

the dark side of love

2011-02-19T06:38:00.000-08:00

Heb 12 is the passage.

When I was growing up, I ran. I ran all the time. I was a distance runner. I ran track. I ran cross country. I ran away from thugs and kids I pissed off. I competed in races. When Paul tells us we are in a race, I get it. I know what it is like to be on the back stretch and have the stands yelling and going crazy for you to win. I know what's like to see the finish line. I know what it is like to push hard at the end. But it isn't the end that makes the race hard. It isn't even the beginning, it is the middle.

When I would run the mile, a 4 lap race. The first lap was pretty easy. The second was just a way to hang on. The third lap was gut wrenching. It was where the winners started to make their move and see if they could change up the strategy. It was the hardest part of the race. The thought was simple, "Make it to the last lap." The fourth and final lap was all out war. You were giving it everything you had. The crowd was lifted, the end was in sight and you were just pushing till it was all gone.

Paul tells us that we have people in the stands and an example to follow. We have a goal in mind, Jesus. He even says how to run, get rid of sin. But just after talking about Jesus, he says that God hurts us.

We always equate love with nice, soft, sweet feelings. We call them blessings, health, promotions, healings, advancement, and more. We adore and worship the fluffy side of love. We see and adore one side of the love coin. We adore an idol we call God refusing to see and acknowledge the dark side of love.

Love hurts.

Can that be? It seems like such a contradiction. It seems that there cannot be pain in love. It seems that if God were on my side I would not experience pain, any and all kinds of pain. My kids question my love when it comes to discipline. They see pain as an act of aggression. They see pain as an act of selfishness. They see pain as an way for dad to get revenge when they do something wrong. My kids do not understand discipline. As much as I want to talk to them about it, pain is equal to anger, disappointment, and compliance. No matter the chats, hugs, or friendly smiles, in the end discipline hurts. And honestly it is only counter balanced by the affection, time, love, and gifts that I shower on them when discipline is sleeping in the garage.

I too have questions about God's discipline. Heb 12 talks about how to run in the race with God. It talks about voluntarily laying aside sin and running with endurance. But something isn't right about this race. I am running hard, putting off sin, and still get whacked. How do you take the hand that hurts you? How to do smile on the face that scolds you? How do you embrace the arms that spank you? How do you believe in the love that contradicts all your senses?

For those whom the Lord LOVES He disciplines...He disciplines us for OUR good. Heb 12:6,10

Hum...really?

This isn't even talking about my sinful, rebellious ways. This is the truth of being the object of His love and affection. My being rebels against those statements. The core of who I am hates pain. Unanswered prayer, shattered dreams, unmet and dashed expectations, death, sickness, unemployment, relationship conflict - is that discipline? What does discipline even look like? How can you tell the difference between a result of sin, Satan and God? Is that even a fair question? As a child of God can't I just assume that there is pain associated with my sin, pain related to other's sin, and pain that God sends my way?

When job was being tortured by his wife and friends, when boils covered his body, when the emptiness of losing his children consumed him and drove him into the dark caverns of depression and despair, when financial ruin left him no crumbs to feast on, when heaven was silent, and consolation was his enemy was that discipline? Was that the love of God? Was that God's way of saying thank you for your upright spirit, for your steadfast love, for your sacrifice and effort?

Job was not an enemy of suffering, neither was Paul or Jesus. But something in me, something pious refuses to call pain, whatever shape or manifestation it may take, as the love of God. Yet this damn word, LOVE, stares me in the face, runs me over without mercy, beats me senseless, and leaves me wounded. It comes with aggression, with relentless pursuit, refusing to compromise, refusing to be held at bay, refusing room to another, refusing to leave me ignorant and unchanged. He won't relent. He won't tire. He won't stop until I have been ravished by Him.

Love saw no mercy when it nailed the Son to the cross. Love saw no compassion when He was beat and scourged for this God hater. Love saw no mercy when it hunted me down and burned like fire in my soul. Love sees no mercy in its destruction of the Poser. Love sees no mercy in drawing me into the life of God. Love sees no mercy and offers no apology until we become one.

He hurts me to share in His holiness and produce righteousness. Heb 12:10,11

I don't get pain. I don't get His ways. I don't know the difference between consequence and discipline. I can't solve this mystery. But this one thing I know, this one thing shines brighter than any other cantankerous thought...His love NEVER EVER fails.

leadership and post fast

2011-02-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

I was recently asked a question about leadership. Most people have this thought that leadership should be judged based on what takes place in business or in the church. I am of the strong opinion that real leadership is built at home; that the true mirror and reflection isn’t staff or strangers, but rather spouse and children. If someone wants to know what I am really made of look at the relationship with my wife and kids. Those relationships cut behind all the crap and facades and allow people to see the heart of the man; to see his true humility, priorities, passion, patience and character. All the rest is just BS. It is easy to produce something, but authentic, lasting, and strong leadership is birthed in the pain, monotony, and struggles of family life. How I react to my spouse and kids shows more about my character and leadership skills than anything else. I can built great monuments and persuade with a soft cutesy tongue but tall tell all is still found at home. Don’t be deceived, who we are at home, with those who birthed us, who accompany us, and who depend on us is the true litmus test of leadership.

When I became a Christian, everyone said to me, “Oh, that passion and zeal you feel will go away. Those emotions won’t last. The honeymoon will soon end.” It never did. I was recently challenged with the same thoughts about the results of this fast. What will happen when the feeling wears off. How can the revelation of the passion and love of God wear off? It’s like telling the blind person who Jesus healed, “Soon you won’t see again.” No, I won’t accept that. This isn’t some feeling or random experience, this is an epiphany, a revelation, a repentance of monumental consequences. I am a new person, born into the love of God never to be the same.

I once was process driven, now I am people driven. Once I cared more about the bottom line now I care more about those on the bottom. I once ran people over to get ahead, now I pick them up to move with me. I once was full and drunk with self, now me makes me sick.

While I have much work to do in my life, I finally know how to do it, the hope of a better tomorrow, and the assurance that all is getting better no matter what the circumstances may look like.

Post fast thoughts:
I spent the first several days eating soup and small bits of the forbidden foods; chips, french fries, chicken, french toast, breakfast sausage, cookies, and biscuits. I think that helped me make the adjustment much faster. I have gained 3 pounds. My wife says I am starting to look much better. I feel great physically. I am happy to be eating again. I think it helps that I have been eating some of the junk because I am now eating more solid type foods. I had some fish tacos yesterday. I think I am pretty much back to normal eating.

Spiritually I feel great. It is an interesting way to live. I am no longer worried about my "time" with God. I am just enjoying Him.

shattered dreams and unanswered prayers

2011-02-13T05:49:00.000-08:00

Shattered dreams and unanswered prayers are God's way of driving us into our most intimate and deepest longing and need - the need to posses and know Him. His love for you is so great and mighty that He is willing to risk losing our transactional relationship with Him for one of intimate love and friendship. This thought alone can forever change the way you relate to Him.

Day 40 of fast - the end and the beginning

2011-02-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

The day has finally arrived; number 40. I knew it was going to be along time when I started the fast. I knew that 40 days was a pretty extreme number. I knew it would be rewarding. But I never anticipated the experience. There are some things you cannot just read about, an extended fast is one of them.

My friend David, who has done a 40 day water fast, told me before he began that his encounters with God became incredible as he fasted. I wasn't sure what that meant but I was excited to taste it. He was right, becoming aware of God has been an incredible experience.

As I stated earlier, there are three events that have radically shifted the course of my life, the day I got saved, the day I came to believe in all the gifts, and this fast - the time I experienced the love of God (which is not at all like my head had been saying it was like).

I feel like I have discovered a new journey in life; an adventure into the unknown. This adventure is a mystery within whose presence has forever changed me. This gift has set me on a path of eternal excavation to see how growing in the understanding of the love of God overcomes the Poser within.

On this journey I have found a new freedom. The awareness of God's pleasure over me has transformed my heart. It has unearthed the hidden Poser and shined a light in his dark caverns where he has set up shop to rule my life. This journey has exposed the idols of self preservation and self adoration. It has called out the cheater within who had captivated me with her sensuality and been replaced by the love of a jealous God. This journey has brought me to eat of the bread of life and drink from the everlasting water so that I no longer hunger, thirst, or desire for God because I have Him. And He has me. It has filled me to the point of overflow; where I can finally say that I am compelled by love and not by duty.

This journey has healed my relationship with myself, my wife, and those around me. It has taught me that I do not have to constantly take from my neighbor but that out of the abundant life flowing in me I can give. I am no longer brandishing a whip to keep those around me in order. I no longer feel the empty compulsion to change those around me so that I can feel better about myself. I can empathize with my wife's pain, confusion, anger, and person without feeling like it is my fault-like everything she is suffering is about me. On this journey I have discovered that my wife is truly my other half, this mysterious other me, sent by God in my incompleteness, not so I could make her better or because she needed someone as good as me, but because I was so broken and lopsided that I needed her. I have come to appreciate and respect her as the mystery of me, who through love, affection, and encouragement shines.

On this journey I no longer hate myself or abuse myself with Christian guilt. I no longer wonder if one day I will hear God say, "Well done good and faithful servant." I no longer wonder what He thinks about me and my shortcomings. I am no longer impaled on the stakes of longing, hunger, confusion, empty hope, and perfectionism. Self esteem, the really good stuff that changes your life completely, cannot be manufactured in the mind alone, it must come from outside. My view of myself changed because I came to know the truth about what God thinks about me. I have come to experience (I use that word, because it is not just about knowing it or being taught it or saying it, it is about an experience that brings a knowledge that books and theology cannot) that God likes me. God is madly in love with me. His pleasure is for me. He pursues me like a crazd lover who just can't get enough. He seeks me and desires my company and affection. He possess me and wants me to possess Him. His joy over me is full.

In the beginning of this fast I said that God told me He was going to teach me lessons on humility. I thought He was going to teach me what I needed to do to be a humble person, to wash the feet of others. I thought He was going to instruct me and give me a to do list on how it is done. But that is not what He did. In the humility that only God can express, He knelt at my feet, He took up the basin and towel and He washed me. He cleansed me from my misconceived ideas about Him. He cleansed me from my rottenness and evil boasting. He cleansed me from the destruction of Poser. He cleansed me from the harm I have inflicted on others. He cleansed me from me. No, this lesson on humility was so far from what I expected. I thought it would be the words, "Go and do likewise" that would be the experience. But it was, "Jesus knelt down." God knelt before me and I am undone.

This journey has brought me from the depths of duty to the height of reflecting God; no longer shackled by the obligations, the principles, or the "right way" but compelled, motivated, pushed, and overcome by love and life. It is no longer, "I have to obey, but rather, I can't stop myself from obeying."

Thank you for coming alongside and reading. This open journal has helped me be accountable and real. I am grateful for my friend David whose example proded me to consider the fast. I am thankful for Brian who daily encouragement and friendship has helped me find an everlasting light to shine on Poser. Finally, I am grateful for my wife who bore the brunt of my absence, endured my weakness, my anxiety, my frustration, my transformation, and my tension. Without a woman like her I would not have been able to make it. She truly is an incredible and wonderful person; the one who has kidnapped my affection and thoughts.

From an analytical perspective (and answers to questions you want to ask but just don't); I discovered the love of God on day 13. Each day after that was growing in the revelation. I sampled food 8 times, most of which was these last several days. I went to the Dr. twice. I started out with no one reading and peaked at 70 readers (cause you really have to want to read this, I do not suffer from a shortage of words). I had 1 natural bowel movement, the rest were herb tea (Smooth Move) induced. I had sex once a week, down from 3 to 5 times a week. I lost 25.5 pounds cause yes, today I broke the 130 barrier weighing in at 129.5.

I am glad the fast is over. My list of yummy sinful foods includes buffalo wings, hamburgers, french fries, pizza, Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, pancakes, burritos, chips and dip, and that is just the first meal (jk). Notice I didn't say salads or fruit. Nope, good ole American junk food. Now I am not going to go crazy for a while. I have to get back into the swing of eating again; going to start out with vegetable soup for a couple of days, then add some salad and fruit smoothies. I will do a vegan diet for the next couple of weeks before going down junk food lane. Now I say that but lets see what actually takes place, I am sure I will be sampling the forbidden fruit before time :). I am glad the fast is over because I will be able to join my family for meals again, something I have missed. Between work, school and fasting I have not spent much time with them. We usually have dinner together each night, I am glad that will be starting again.

I will probably continue to write a post fast blog for a couple of weeks. We will see.

He is gracious and loving and once you have tasted it nothing is desirable.

Day 39 of fast - empathy

2011-02-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

This is a continuation from yesterdays thought...

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:14-16

God comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God... 2 Cor 1:4

I have never empathized well others. I can't remember if I used to be different because it has been so long since I have been this way. I can't remember a time when I actually felt the burden of pain as someone else does. I can't remember a time when I could identify and relate to the emotional distress of another. I can't remember looking at someone laden with sin and felt my heart break for them.

If there is no empathy, what is there? There is disdain. There is anger. There is condemnation for others who are wrapped up in sin. There is pride because I have overcome and they haven't. There is a sense of superiority in that I am strong and they are weak. There is mockery. There is insult. There is the drill Sergent approach to life; let's go, no excuses, you can't quit, what are you a...

It sucks to look at people with haughty eyes. It sucks knowing that my thoughts towards them are always at some comparative level. It sucks thinking that anything that I have overcome or have been able to avoid is lifted up as a trophy of accomplishment and boasting. I won't mention the things I look down on simple because I would piss so many people off and start getting hate mail. I will spare you the details and leave you wondering if I somehow haven't privately used you as a stepping stone to self adoration and praise.

I have always been critical of others, critical of events, and critical of life. I have never embraced life as a joyful journey. It has always (as far as I can remember) been about completion, accomplishment, and the raising of self. I have approached life always seeking who I could use to get a hand up. The rich were seen as dollar signs for me to take advantage of. The poor were seen as opportunities to improve my resume. The different were seen as problems to be fixed so that I could put a notch in my belt and remind myself of how great I was.

It was sickening and for all purposes just flat evil.

Let's not dance around the disgust of this truth. Let's call a spade a spade. This is not the heart of God coming through a believer. This is not the kindness of Jesus that you see in the Gospels. This is not the mercy of God experienced at salvation. This is not the goodness of God that I am invited to when I fall. This is not the caring of God we get when we are broken and beaten down. This is not the searching or outstretched arms of Papa awaiting the prodigals return. This is not love.

My life is a response of my beliefs. For so long I did not understand the empathy of Jesus. I assumed that He was, well, like me. But He is not. The Bible says that He empathizes with our weakness. His tenderness and mercy reach out to the fallen me, places His arms around my shoulder in my brokenness, and comforts me without guilt.

I don't think I have ever understood or felt the tenderness of Jesus. I have lived under the shadow of self imposed tyranny. Empathy and love for others is birthed from experience, from tasting and seeing it oneself. John writes in 1John about what he tasted, touched, saw, and experienced. He writes because His life has been transformed through relationship.

I look forward to empathies embrace. I look forward to the awareness of His tender mercies. I look forward to resting in comfort. I look forward to the realization that no stone has been thrown my way.

I look forward to sharing that experience with others.

Physically: Weight 132. I feel good. I am so glad it is almost over. I have senioritis now. You remember back in high school, senior year, where you just didn't care anymore, you were happy, life was going great, you just couldn't wait for it to be over? Well, that is me. I am so ready for this to be over. I had juice and trash today, as much as I wanted to finish out strong, I just couldn't. I sat up in the art studio studying, salivating as I tried not the think about the spicy popcorn, but in the end it was just too much to bear. I had more than few handfuls. I had juice and broth today as well. I hope to do a recap of the fast in tomorrows post. I printed out my 40 day journey today, it is 67 pages long. I will be looking for patterns, areas of growth, sampling days, weight, and emotions; the idea is to do some sort of comprehensive analysis on what this journey has been like.

Day 38 of fast - popcorn and mercy

2011-02-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

It is coming to an end. I wish I could say I have endured to the end but that is just not the case. I had a few more handfuls of popcorn stuff (its actually called trash, my aunt made it and it rocks) tonight, just thinking maybe I should end it all. But I won't. I will keep going even though the taste of popcorn is bitter sweet.

I want to go back to this concept, God with us.

I will live with them and walk among them and I will be their God and they will be my people. Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty" 2 Cor 6:16-18.

Paul says in Phil 2, if you have experienced Jesus, just as you have experienced Jesus, be the same way. His assumption is that we have partaken of His humility, love, tenderness, compassion, and trust. But often times what we have tasted is just the opposite.

The psalms invites us to taste and see that the Lord is good.

I have missed His goodness for far to long. I have placed my unfulfilled expectations and my holy petitions before knowing Him. I have substituted cheap religion with a fulfilling relationship. I have avoided walking with Him because I was afraid He would take something from me. I have believed the song He gives and He takes away to the point of abandonment. I didn't know He was Father. I didn't know He was kind. I just knew I had to keep pressing on or that would be the end of me.

I am beat today. I don't really have anything to write, I just finished a 10 page paper on depression and realized that I have been insensitive and cruel to those who suffer with this illness. I never knew the pain and heartache that those who suffer with depression actually go through. In fact as a Christian pharisee I had little compassion for those who, in my mind, brought about their own pain.

I was heartless and cold. Yuck. People do suffer in this world. They are plagued by things they just can't overcome by themselves. I have always had the tendency to look down on people. To snub my nose at those who lived with issues that I felt competent and able to overcome. There was no compassion in my voice towards those who hurt, only ridicule and insensitivity. Funny how Paul was able to turn his victories into genuine love, mercy, and compassion for others. Even Hebrews tells us that Jesus is a compassionate high priest.

What? I don't get it. I am not like that. If you got a problem, fix it. Stop being a sissy and tighten up them boot straps. You are the result of you own decisions and if you don't like it, well tough, its your own damn fault. I have never had compassion overcome me for those who faced issues I had an answer to. I never extended mercy to those whose pain caused them to live in confusion or under the distress of bad decisions. I was just flat freakn mean.

I have to be honest I do not know what it is like to comfort others or to feel the weight of sin that easily burdens the church. I have always just been content spewing out answers without empathy. I am Mr. Fix it type. Problems have little emotional value and emotions, well, they are for the weak. Who am I? Where did this devil come from? Boy is a light shining on me tonight, and I thought I had nothing to say.

Awareness is the first step to freedom. I have experienced the love and compassion of God, it is time to extend it to others. Let's see where this goes over the next couple of days. This is a very new thought for me. Time for me to walk in mercy and tenderness with the fallen and the weak. I have never been able to empathize with others before, but God is changing me.

Day 37 of fast - present

2011-02-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

by withcream.net

Jesus answered, "I saw you..." John 1:48.
Jesus said, "I am with you always." Matt 28:20

I don't live in the awareness of His company. I'm rarely conscious of His constant presence. If He were to say "boo" I probably wouldn't even hear Him. But the risen Jesus is HERE. Why does it matter? I have always thought of God being with me, or God seeing me, or God hearing me and knowing my thoughts as kind of like the God police. Why doesn't He just bug off and let me enjoy some of this world. I always felt that His eyes were out to get me, watching to see if I screw up waiting for me to trip and fall just so He could put His foot on my neck.

I didn't doubt that He loved me, but I just assumed that He was pretty much Holy and quick with the backhand. It bothered me to think that He was around. It bothered me to think that I just couldn't be me without a smack on the head.

But He isn't like my crazy thoughts suggest or imply. He isn't standing at the front door with a wad of chew in his mouth waiting for me to break curfew just so he can teach me a lesson. He is not loading up my sins and failures in his handy dandy notebook just to read me a bedtime story of my shortcomings. No, that is not Him at all. Sure He is holy, and sure He is always aware of everything I do, think, and feel. But His presence is that of a helper.

He is not just the kind of helper I need when I cry out, "Oh God." He is not just the kind of helper I need when my life falls to pieces. He is not just the helper I need when I am overcome by darkness and despair. No, He is much more.

His light and smile do more than just offer a safety net when I am in trouble. His presence is the hope I have of overcoming me. His presence is the affirmation I receive when I am attacked. His presence is the song I sing when weariness has landed on my shoulders. His presence is the word of rest, the fortitude of knowledge, the grace in my groveling and the assurance of favor. I don't have to be me, I can be His. He prods and pokes me with His presence, a constant reminder that my life is now hidden in His and come what may it is well.

There is no need for self defense. There is no need for anger to bludgeon my brother. There is no fear in missing the train of His calling, the joy of His reward, or the candor of His approval. I have fallen hidden in my beloved and engrafted into Israel. His presence is present now.

He smiles from the brother next door. He shines as the light of noon day. He fills my lungs as air. He codes my life with His DNA. He seals me as His own. He whispers life in random acts of kindness through strangers. He is all around me, in me, and for me. Not because He wants a puppet but because He is that madly in love with me. Why does God want to be near me and in me? Because He just loves me that much. He is sick with love. He can't get enough of us. We were made for Him; always and only for Him.

I won't always do things that He likes or approves of, but the more I grasp His life the more mine fades away. He is okay with my falling. He is okay with my idols. He is not threatened by them. For as He shines His light of love into my darkness those idols will kneel and call Him Lord. He is not afraid of the process. He does not grow weary in His pursuit of me. He never tires of creating in me a clean heart or of exposing the Poser within. He has a plan and His presence carries it out.

God is with us, now and forever.

Physically: weight 131. The hunger is unbearable. I have never felt anything like it. The hunger in the beginning of the fast is nothing compared to what is happening now. My body is going into a frenzy. I find myself willing to eat anything, and yes I mean anything. Old spoiled food is appealing. It is a scary place to be. I know that I can't just go and eat something heavy but my body just doesn't seem to care at this point. I can't drink enough to calm the rage. I ate some wheat thins, some popcorn, and some peanut butter today; a bit or two of each, knowing that I could not keep eating because of the damage I could do to myself. I shake with anxiety. I walk into the kitchen and just have no control I eat a wheat thin saying, don't do it. The next couple of days I will spend at work so that should give me some reprieve. I have done the best I could on this fast.

Day 36 - God's weakness

2011-02-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

van Gogh

And the LORD has declared this day that you are his people, his treasured possession as he promised, and that you are to keep all his commands. Deut 26:18

I am to be the only inheritance the priests have. You are to give them no possession in Israel; I will be their possession. Eze 44:28

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light 1 Peter 2:9

I own things. I like the things I own. I get mad if someone messes with my stuff. I often think about how I would defend my stuff if push came to shove. I would like to think I am not a very possessive person, but the truth is, I like my things. Because I own something it gives me the right to entitlement. I have power. I have this sense that I am in control. When I own something I know that no one else should mess with it. Possession not only brings entitlement and ownership but also responsibility and vulnerability.

When I read Deuteronomy yesterday I came across the first verse and it struck me as odd. God can have anything He wants. He made everything. He could just come down and like a mob boss take it. He could rule and reign over His stuff as a tyrant dictator. But He doesn't. This verse hit me because it told me that God made Himself vulnerable. He decided to extended the same risk of love that we do. Love is just as risky for God as it is for me. He put His heart on the line for His people to accept or reject. He calls them into a love relationship and says, "Look, you are mine. I love you. Don't mess it up cause it hurts." He reaches out to an obstinate people and exposes His weakness. Yes, God has a weakness. It's His love for us.

Giving Israel the 10 commandments and asking them to obey opened God up to pain and hurt. Rules were not given from the heart of dictatorship but out of a desire to also be possessed. We all have rules and manners that we have set up for people to relate well to us. I don't want the people I love to hit me, call me names, insult me, talk bad about me, abuse me; are these unreasonable? No. So when God sets up some criteria for relating to Him we get all twisted as if He is doing something against us. But what He has just done is say, "You are mine. You are mine. You are mine. Be mine." Rules enable us to choose Him.

To call someone your own, to make a claim over their life, to invest your heart, soul, time, effort, compassion, energy, and desire into them, creates a firey jealousy and opens you up to a world of pain that only ownership can produce. God's intent has always been for us to choose Him.

He has always wanted us to choose Him.

Adam and Eve placed in a garden. Don't eat from the tree, choose Me. They didn't. And ever since then God has been trying to reach out to possess someone who would also possess Him. He says in Ezekiel, "I am their possession." But they rejected Him. He calls us kings and priests and says He is our possession but we reject Him.

If we ever thought we needed to be picked, if we ever thought that we wanted God to notice us, if we ever thought we were not on His radar, if we ever thought He was distant and far and aloof and busy and preoccupied, then He has also felt that way too...

You can't possess without the possibility of pain. You can't reach out and pour your life out for others without exposure, rejection, and hurt. I never realized that it wasn't me God didn't notice, but it was me not noticing God. He called me His own and I turned away. He wanted to be my friend but I found others to relate to. He wanted to love me but I found something else to captivate my affection. And while I played the cheater I prayed and blamed Him for my misery. How myopic. I couldn't see His pain, His brokenness, His distress, His sadness, His weeping, His hurt, and His patience.

All I noticed was me.

John says it with such heartache, "He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him."

I have never been more ashamed of my selfish ways than tonight in light of His pain. I have kicked and fought and back stabbed and hated and blamed and defended self for so long. Punching God, angry for self's disillusionment, angry that I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it, angry that He was not my genie in a bottle, angry that He...

And He wept with love's pain. Jealous for my affection. Longing for my faith. Hungry for my belief. Hopeful for the reflection of my obedience. Just wanting me to reflect back what He was feeling for me, what He had given to me. Just wanting me to choose Him. "Pick me," He says.

He called me His own and made Himself weak for my love...I guess I am not alone after all.

Physically: weight 131. I was undone with hunger today. Anxious to eat everything. I wont lie, I filled my mouth up with stuff, chewed and spit (its the way to eat without eating I guess). I was a train wreck today. I was coming unglued to eat. I drank juice, water and broth and sampled anything old or new without overdoing it to the point of massive guilt. Had a bite of homemade bread. So so hard today. I am longing to eat again.

Day 35 of fast - reflection

2011-02-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

Manning writes on his website, On a midwinter's night, he received this word from the Lord: "For love of you I left my Father's side. I came to you who ran from me, who fled me, who did not want to hear my name. For love of you I was covered with spit, punched and beaten, and fixed to the wood of the cross." Brennan would later reflect, "Those words are burned into my life. That night, I learned what a wise old Franciscan told me the day I joined the Order -- 'Once you come to know the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem as beautiful or desirable.' "

I never thought it possible for my experience with Jesus to pale in comparison with knowing His love. There is a big difference between the two. When I used to worship I could feel something come over me, a rush of God. It was a fix. It was me seeing a rainbow but never owning its beauty. For the past 17 years I have sought His presence, His hand, His love, His grace, His favor, His smile, His power, His word, His truth, and His knowledge - but my cistern was broken, each filling of Him lasted briefly and my parched dry soul would scream out again, "MORE!" Such agony. Such misery for the "joyful Christian" life. But I didn't know another way. The quote above was hidden from me darkened by Self. I could say I knew it and even say I lived it. I never realized that hunger and thirst were signs that I truly did not know His love. My desire was screaming out that something was wrong but I didn't know that. Poser didn't want me to replace him.

"Forgive them Father for they do not know what they do," said Jesus. We live under that same grace and mercy as we seek something already given; as we allow Poser to run us into the ground of an unfulfilled and starving life.

I got up today and started to worship the way I always have. I put on some music, got quite and really just tried to engage God. But it was lifeless. I really wanted it to work the way it used to. I wanted to make God happy, to let Him know I was thankful, and just to give something back. But it could not compare to the overwhelming sense of God's love for me. I could not get past the awareness of His passion for me. I would sing and think, "Wow He freakn loves me to no ends." How do you sing or praise in light of such wonder, such a shower of life, such a force of grace and goodness? It is like getting slammed with unexpected, unearned, and precious gifts from someone you think really didn't like you. How do you respond as they pour out their affection, their honor, their attention, and their life to you? How do you respond when you have been humbled by acts of love and kindness? You don't. Thank you is futile. Hugs are undesirable. No, you just sit in awe and wonder. The other person not interested in your gratitude, only in the joy of giving.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying that praise and worship is bad, I'm just saying it's not what it used to be for me at this time. Who knows maybe later it will change, but for now I just sit and ponder and receive from the overflowing tenderness of Papa.

I think He is pleased when I learn about His love. I think He smiles when I reflect His love back into the world. I think He just loves knowing that I know.

As we look at Jesus we become like Him. And in becoming like Him we understand the Fathers pleasure over us. So take time to read about Jesus as the beloved Son who came into the world to reflect the love of the Father to everyone.

I couldn't find a song today. Silence was my friend.

Physically: I feel fine. I am tired. Long day. I had liquids. Almost done.
PS I read Deuteronomy today...cool book

Day 34 of fast - undriven

2011-02-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

I am taking a class called theory and practice of counseling and psychotherapy. I know it sounds big. One of the methods we just covered was existential therapy. This therapy method is about "helping clients develop a greater presence in their quest for meaning and purpose" (Corey, 2009, p134). Now this is a very common theme in the church. In fact with the advent of the purpose driven life we have seen our fair share of teaching about our search for significance. I am not here to criticize but rather to offer something different to ponder and consider. I believe that Rick Warren has helped thousands of people and I am in no place to hand out harsh words. So with all due respect to my fellow laborer in Christ I want to consider the effect of a non purpose driven life; a life that is not in search of meaning and legacy.

I have always been on a quest for purpose. Maybe because I have never figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. Maybe because I had a hard time coming to terms with who I was and maybe because I really needed some direction. No matter the cause I ate up the concepts of finding meaning in life, leaving behind a legacy, and being purpose driven. I always assumed that if I was purpose driven then I would have vision, mission and objectives. If I had those then I would have goals and be productive in life. If I was productive in life then I felt good about myself and was sure God was thinking good things about me; I was certain to be on the nice list and not the naughty one when reckoning came around.

The world and the church tells us the same thing. They put us on a path of duty = satisfaction. The more we do, the happier we are. The more principles we put into practice the more fulfilled we will be. Everyone talks about it, why? Haven't they figured out that they are all still searching for completion and fulfillment. Haven't they realized that all the sermons, books, and counseling only leads them to dry cisterns. Sure they drink but they thirst again. Jesus said if you drink my water you will NEVER thirst again. That is not the modern day Christian experience.

Once again Poser/Self has managed to turn out the lights and continue to drive our lives. He has set up shop in our inner pharisee and made us believe that duty is our calling and highest honor. He has duped us into a life that has left us far from the heart, passion and joy of God. No wonder Christians are just as depressed and their marriages just a broken as the outsiders. Our jealous God will not put up with it. But we can't see His jealousy over our lives. We ignore the pain, we ignore our inner frustrations, we build walls of defense to justify our actions and we fight His jealousy, His pursuit of us, His desire to rid us of self.

Fulfillment in the love and joy of God leaves me without a drive for legacy, without a need for purpose, without a quest for meaning. Jesus was a great non purpose driven man. He does tell us why He came when he read from the Old Testament in the synagogue, but it was not driven by self, it was a reflection of the Fathers will. Jesus wasn't out to leave a legacy. He was out to reflect to the world the works of the Father. He said that He only did what He saw the Father do and only spoke what He heard His Father speak. Hows that for non driven. There is a big difference between obeying God and following God as a reaction and obeying God and following God as purpose driven duty. The first cannot be avoided when we are flooded by His love the second cannot be avoided when flooded by Self. The first maybe labeled purpose driven but purpose is not what drives the first man.

During this fast and as a result of my new found love I no longer have a desire to leave a legacy, to make a name for myself, or to be purpose driven. I long for one thing; to grow in the knowledge of God's enjoyment over my life and reflect His desire in the world. Before I did anything He was pleased with me.

Physically: weight 132. I felt great today. I took a Spanish Clep test and got a 76 out of 80 which is worth 12 credit hours, yee haw. I was really excited about that. I guess all those years in Argentina paid off. I worked all day, lots of work today. I had normal liquids; water, juice and broth. I am excited that the fast is almost over. I need to research how to come off it without injuring myself. I am cold and sleep with a heating pad. My shoulders and back continue to itch. Oh and remember I said that I stopped using deodarant, well that didn't last long. My feet and hands are always cold. I drink enough to make sure my pee is clear but I am not overdoing it. I probably am drinking less and 1 gallon a day. In the beginning of the fast I was drinking tons of water and constantly going to the bathroom. But then I read, just stay hydrated dont over do it. I thought it was good advice and it has worked for me. Its funny I only have 5 days left, it seems like nothing, but when I first started the first 5 days seemed like forever. LOL.

References:
Corey, G. (2009). Theory and practice of counseling and psychotherapy 8th edition. Cengage Learning. Mason, OH.

Day 33 of fast - gold digger

2011-02-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

by Julian Beever

My friend Brian and I talk each day on the phone when I leave for work. We talk about the market, day trading, and God. He is the one responsible for pushing me into authors like Brennan Manning and Larry Crabb, his pursuit of God has encouraged and fueled my own walk. I am grateful for his friendship.

Today he gave me a picture of what his Christian life has been like. He is reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and come to realize that his whole life he has been a gold digger. The typical picture of a gold digger is a young pretty blond married to an old shrively dude with money. She is there for one thing and one thing only, money; to gain and get.

Its funny but isn't so much of the way we relate to God based on that same picture. I mean aren't we all busting at the seams with gold digger inside. We come to God, not because we really like Him, or care for Him, or think He likes us and wants to hang out, but because we need something. Prayers are lists of thanking him for the things he has given us and asking for more and sometimes they are not bad things (like salvation or healing or relief of pain for ourselves or someone else). But the truth is we hang out with God with hopes that we will one day "get it all". And the sadness is that the more petitions that are answered the more we need them to continued to be answered.

There is something I have been asking God for these past couple of weeks; lets call it a toy. I hope that He gives it to me. It is a petition. But I know there are hundreds of people who want the same toy I want. They all love God. God loves them. I think it is hard to be God. How do you decide who to give the one prize to. You have hundreds of children all smiling, holding out their hands, all precious in your eyes, but you only have one toy to hand out. How do you choose? How do all the other children react when they are not chosen? So hard. I mean I can only imagine that those who don't get the toy, walk away disappointed, sad, rejected, and really feeling unloved. How sad for Father who loves His children to be in the presence of so many dejected, angry, and bitter ones He calls His own.

I told Papa this morning that I was okay if He didn't give me the toy. I know He loves me and that my life is blessed; it's not going to be blessed or made better by the toy, it is blessed and fulfilled - another toy would just be fun to play with but it will not alter my knowledge of his smile for me.

There are limitations in this world. God works within those limitations. If I can put aside my selfish desires then I can love how he works within parameters. I don't want to be a gold digger. I want to love my Father with passion and reflection of His love. I want Him to know He is awesome and that I really do like Him. I understand that He is not out to punish me, hurt me, or test me under a sociopath guise. I understand that He lights up my life, feeds me the bread, produces fruit, causes water to flow from me and saturates me with Himself.

Physically: weight 131. I felt good today for the most part. I had some pain in the top of my head but it was not like the usual migraines I had been getting before. It is cold here, as I am sure it is everywhere. I had water, juice, and broth to drink today. I have a Spanish CLEP test tomorrow so I hope to get some sleep tonight so I do well, I should pretty much ace it. But it never hurts to be rested. Less than one week to go. I was talking to my mom today about some of the changes that have taken place in me and wondering if these changes will be permanent or if they are just part of the fasting process. I am both excited to finally eat again and scared at the same time. I don't want some of what has happened to leave and go away. We will see, only the trials of life will prove if it was gold or hay.

Here is a song I enjoyed; its different but I liked it

Day 32 of fast - marriage

2011-02-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

When I got married I made one decision; i was going to choose for the rest of my life to love my wife no matter who she was or how she changed. What I didn't realize was that was only partly true. Because for the next 12 years I was on a secret mission, one that I was not even completely aware of, that mission was to change her.

By nature I am a person who fixes things, not like a mr fix it but like the guy who likes process. I like to make sure things are working right; I bring order to chaos. My wife can be a bit chaotic at times. For one thing she doesn't really have a sense of time. She can be doing something and be completely unaware that it just took her 4 hours to do it. I on the other hand log my minutes by activity and have a built in stopwatch.

Despite some of the most common differences that make us a wonderful couple there was in me a deep seated disappointment. I will admit that all of my marriage has been not only about creating in her the person I could not become but also about creating around me characteristics in others that I had failed to become. It was as if I was saying, "If I can't do it, I will make those around me do it so that I can live vicariously satisfied through them." Do you know what that is like? Do you know how destructive that way of life is?

Imagine not being able to carry something so you go out and find people, train them up, and have them haul the load, only this time you make the load bigger, because the bigger the load the more successful and narcissistic you can be. That was me. Skinny and weak both physically and spiritually. (Now I know why I was always obsessed with wanting to be bigger and stronger. Somehow I believed that if I was more muscular then I could compensate for the little man inside).

I was relating to people the same way I was relating to God or rather I was relating to people the way I thought God was relating to me. As a result my marriage was wounded. I have to admit I have had a great 12 years being married to my wife. We have had a few arguments over the years, but each anniversary we just reflect on how much better our marriage is getting year after year. But there was something dark and ugly taking place in each of us; me with God and her with me.

For years my wife has had this nagging insecurity that I would leave her; that if I became rich, or successful I would find someone to replace her. She had this overwhelming feeling that I did not like her; that I was always out trying to find ways to change her so that she could be the person that I wanted. She didn't really believed that I liked her or that I had made the right choice in marrying her. She thought I was distant, cold, unaffectionate, and disappointed. And maybe I was in some sick and twisted way. Because the way she was relating to me is the way I have been relating to God. Funny how that works. Paul tells us to love our bride like Jesus loves me; I was doing just that, yuck.

I was miserable and she was tormented.

But that all changed recently. Last night my wife told me that she believed that I liked her. She felt in her soul, deep down in who she is, that I really do enjoy her. I didn't make a mistake in choosing her and that I loved her as she was, accepted her unique and different qualities. She feels like I am more affectionate, more loving, more tender, more caring. My revelation of how I view God has transformed her experience of how I love her.

She no longer feels weighed down by my crazy expectations. She no longer fears my rejection or my disappointment. She feels at peace with us. As she shared this with me last night after we had communion, I just stood there shaking my head in wonder and gratefulness.

All I could say was thank you Jesus. There was a joy in me as if something had been solidified and affirmed. I finally felt like we connected under the banner of acceptance and like; not just the theory or commitment of love but of true enjoyment of each other.

What really struck me was the joy I felt in her belief in who I was and what I thought about her. Many of my offenses and arguments, some of the most bitter, revolved around my wife thinking bad and wrong things about me, things that were not true, that I did not think and that never even crossed my mind. I guess she was just reflecting back what I was doing with God. Then it hit me, God feels the same way when I believe Him. Jesus said in John that the work of Jesus is to believe. I felt a rushing sense of smiles when she finally came to believe me. Jesus feels good when I believe him. I delight the heart of God when I just believe. So simple.

So to sum up: Believing Jesus makes Him happy. My wife believing me makes me smile.

Physically: Weight 132. I felt good today. Nothing new to report about the way I felt. I was cold, hungry, energetic, mentally clear and excited that I finished day 32.

Day 31 of fast - ramblings of a branch

2011-01-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

by Jennifer Vranes

Being able to come to terms with my Poser is a gift of freedom. Coming to terms with Poser in others is a gift of love. The bedrock of our modern day experience is suffocated with desire. We can't even recognize that longing for God is counterproductive. Our hearts cry out to someone who has long been standing around saying, "What are you doing? I have already given you what you have asked for, but because you think it must be somehow related to satisfying and fulfilling the desires that Self has embedded in you, you fail to see my gift of salvation."

"I am the vine. You are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" Jesus (John 15:5). We just don't get it. Everything we hear, are taught, and think is based on us producing fruit and not fruit that is produced as a result of being a branch. We long for someone we are already one with.

I told someone the other day, "You and I will pray for the same things. If they come to pass or if they do not come to pass it doesn't effect my sense of belonging, love, joy, and satisfaction that God has for me; basically I don't care because I know that I can ask anything in His name and He will do it, if He doesn't do it I am not here to question or fret, I just know WITHOUT understanding why He didn't answer that He loves me and as a result EVERYTHING, good and bad, is okay. But if that prayer is answered you are happier, better off, and more satisfied. In essence you have become a petition junkie. Each petition only as fulfilling as the next answer. And each answer never delivering what you expect, satisfaction. Each unanswered petition creates more hunger, more desperation, more sense of failure, and more distance from the true love that Papa has poured out into your life." I love answered petitions but they don't fuel my life; my life is already fueled, pressed down, shaken together and running over with His love.

I have a friend who has encountered the Poser recently. It has been an heart breaking and eye opening experience, but he has yet to experientially know the love of Papa. He knows it intellectually, as most of us do, but he has finally realized that he doesn't KNOW it. What a great revelation; to see Poser and know you need to KNOW love.

As I said before this new life is a brand new path one, that is has yet to be confronted and beaten by life's everyday stuff. I say beaten because this new life has no shape or form. It hasn't been face to face with hate, anger, deceit, broken relationships, or hard times. All it knows is that it has taken root in my soul and is now coming to life.

I want others to feast from this table but I can't tell people how to get here. I want to invite them to the banquet but I am not sure where I am. So maybe it starts without directions, without steps, and without process. Maybe it is enough to be in the vine. As I grow IN Him fruit will come forth that others can feast on and maybe in their feasting they too find their way to the banqueting table.

"The Lord prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies" (Psalm23) came to mind today as I thought about others. I have always thought about this verse in terms of being at peace with God and that even my enemies are not my match. But I came to understand today that my enemies need to feast with me on the love of Jesus. This table that God sets before them is my life, an open invitation for anyone to come and enjoy this banquet of joy. This is not a table for the destruction of my enemies; God causes His light to shine on the just and the unjust. No this is a table of life. This is God's invitation to His enemies to taste and see that He is good. This is my opportunity to relish in Him as fear and trembling subside.

There are two areas that are being brought to my attention now: 1. How to relate to my children as a branch and not the laborer. 2. How to relate to angry and fearful people. For discussion later on.

Here is something that helps me remain in Him; to be the branch I was created to be.
1. God is crazy about me.
2. God accepts me for who I am.
3. God is well aware of my failings and falllings.
4. God is not surprised by Poser
5. God has mad love for me.
6. God chases me down in passionate pursuit.
7. God does not demand I change before He showered me with love.
8. God said He was well pleased with me before I ever did anything for Him.
9. God likes me.
10. God gave me Jesus and His Holy Spirit - hows that for answered prayers that were never prayed.
11. God does everything and permits everything out of love, mercy, tenderness, and joy for me.
12. God frees me from the Poser.

and I guess I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

One other area that is becoming a point of struggle is how to react to those who do not share my thoughts or experience with integrity, empathy, acceptance, and love. What good is it if all of the sudden I despise those do not share my thoughts or who have not tasted the living water? What have I become but a pompous pharisee who has been exalted by knowledge. At that stage I invalidate this transformation that I say has taken place and that is to bear fruit and not be the branch of abuse.

Physically: weight 133. I felt good today. I slept more than normal so that is always refreshing. I had the normal run of liquids. Only 8 days left. I can honestly say that I am surprised that my mind is clear, my energy level is high. No one would know that I havent eat in 31 days. I can hardly tell, save the weight and constant hunger. But as for functioning I am great. I study each day, I take tests for school and all is well, I am very very surprised that I have been able to function as well as I have. I have also not had a migraine headache since I started my fast which is great considering that they came at least once a week before fasting. This tells me that most of my migraines are diet related. I function just as well at work, so honestly no complaints. I might plan on doing a 40 day fast each new year, lets see what happens.

Anyway such were my ramblings today. May God fall on us all and free us from the Poser within so that we can continue to grow in the wonders of His grace and mercy.

Day 30 of fast - change

2011-01-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

I will admit that this post is a bit a pat on my own back in some ways, but I just needed to record it. It was a day worth remembering for me.

I actually heard a pastor say that the satisfied and complete life comes from being a member in a local church. I guess that is not so bad. Considering that most people are unsatisfied in life and they are just looking for one more thing to fill up the emptiness. But I guess what shocks me most is reality of how sad and unfulfilled the church is today. There is always a need for something more. People are always looking for that one more thing to make them happy. Yesterday I was talking to someone and they said, "If God would just answer this one prayer, I would be full of happiness." Now you laugh, but what is it that each of us seeks to make us happy.

The church is making waves of happiness. They are the poster child of feel good. Come here and I will educate you on the keys to success, the secret to fulfillment, the truth of power, the reality of the good life, etc. And people turn out by the thousands. We are a society that is completely unfulfilled and running on empty. The danger of such messages today that fill the pews is that they just fail to deliver what they promise. Week after week, promise after promise and nothing changes. We are still the same and maybe better on the outside but worse on the inside. The poser and pharisee grow in strength while the Spirit strains to make headway.

Jesus said, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry." (John 6:35) So why are we so hungry? I think it has to do with the fact that we have come to accept hunger as part of life. We have songs like I am desperate for you, I hunger for you. We teach it as if it is okay to be a hungry Christian. Jesus' words were very different, He said I would never hunger. Complete satisfaction in Him. Another part of the problem is that we fail to recognize the poser in each of us. He has become our friend and not the foe. We have allowed him to continue to rule our lives with desire and pursuit. We fail to recognize that if we have just one more, if we get just one more of what ever it is we want we will still want more and we will never be truly satisfied.

What can we do?
1. Recognize that Jesus wants to end our hunger once and for all.
2. Stop making excuses for the good things you want in life
3. Call a spade a spade.
4. Identify the work of Poser as he tries to get you to throw something more down the blackhole
5. Stop equating pain and disappointment with apathy on God's behalf.
6. Ask God to reveal His love for you
7. Read the Bible from the perspective of a loving Father.
8. Think and trust like a child with a parent

I think those are some things to start. I know that they are what I have been doing and boy has it changed my world.

I know that a major change has taken place in my life because of something my wife did today. I always read books. I read lots of Christian self help books; books on power, the kingdom, and Christian living. And after a good read I tell my wife, "You should read this book, it is really good." Well, she has never done it. I mean never. I can't remember the last time that we read the same book. I know that part of the reason is simply she didn't like what she saw in me. She wasn't attracted to it, she didn't admire or respect it, in fact she just didn't like it. I don't blame her. I was pushy, hard nosed, and legalistic. I was frustrated and angry, distant and cold. I was a mess. So last night she tells me that we are not really on the same page spiritually; that something has changed in me and it was hard for her to see things the way I see them. She admitted that while she loves to read what I write, she just doesn't have that same experience, even though she would like too.

This morning I made a suggestion to read the Papa Prayer by Larry Crabb. She wasn't feeling well and so I took the girls to church. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. She was reading the book. I was freakn amazed. I just could not believe it. What she was saying to me without saying it is, "Eric, I see something radically different in you and I like it. I like it so much that I want some of it." It was as if she validated what I had thought was going on.

I believe that the most powerful form of leadership is example. People don't follow advice or fancy words they follow lives. They don't really care about what I say, unless it is an overflow of my life. I have not been the nicest or most merciful or compassionate person. As a result I have been a terrible leader and have not been someone worth following. But just as I said that my life has changed and so has my world, well today my wife gave credence to just that.

For my wife to read a book that I recommended to her was the single greatest affirmation that I could have gotten on this fast; it told me that I had been changed and that I just wasn't on a fasting high or with some twisted perspective on my life.

Physically: weight 133. I had to go out and buy a new pair of jeans today the others I have look like an advertisement for Subway. I was wearing, loosely, a size 33, comfortably a 32 and now I am comfortably wearing a size 30. I just couldn't stand my jeans falling off. Being the weekend is always hard to resist temptation but I made it. Very hard. I drank water, OJ, Gatorade, juice and broth today. Anyway this is the start of the last lap, 10 days to go. I can't wait to be done. While there are great benefits to this fast, it is hard. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Day 29 of fast - capsized

2011-01-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

by Duy Huynh

I feel like I'm drowning in the happiness of God. My world has been flipped inside out. All the longing, hunger, pain, desperation, and emptiness that once drove me to faith and obedience has been turned inside out and replaced with all the things I worked and wanted so desperately to achieve; comfort, peace, satisfaction, joy, recognition, rest, fulfillment, and love. I have been capsized.

I never knew this world existed. I never thought there could be wholeness. I never believed that all my longings could be satisfied and that I could just sit and smile with no desire. I had always hoped for one more experience. I had always prayed for an encounter. I wanted to see angels, hear His voice, have visions, and do great things. I never once imagined a life like this.

John tells us that he writes about what he tasted, and saw, and felt, and heard, and experienced. But words do very little justice to describing the rush of God over my life. This isn't a high that I ever got at camp, or at a conference. Or some cerebral revelation that I learned. This is God within giving all my senses the experience of love.

I was flipping channels last night with my wife and we stopped at TBN. As we watched Jan, I told my wife if I ever got back into ministry she would have to get the Jan hair do and tan with Snooky to get that orange glow. We both laughed and then Don Piper got up to talk. Now I have wanted to hear about his heavenly experience for many months. He was a guy who died, not near death but really died, for 90 minutes and went to heaven. I had read one of his books but he really didn't talk about heaven. So when he started preaching I was like, "Oh boy, I got to hear this." Well I don't mean to disappoint but the way he described heaven is the same way John described it in Revelation, except Don kept using the words, indescribable. There are sounds and smells and music and sites that you just can't describe. And as much as he wanted to convey what heaven was like, he just couldn't do it justice.

I got it. I really understood what he was talking about. Words can't describe God for God created words. I can't describe love or God. I can only talk about results and even then it pales in comparison to the experience that lives in my body. What I can do is explain what life was like before being capsized; and that is something many people can relate to.

I used to confess to make sure I was okay with God. I used to go to conferences to get closer to God. I used to pray and seek God just to know He was real and actually on my side. I used to obey so God would be happy. I used to work so that I could hear, "Well done good and faithful servant." I used to seek my first love. I used to...

Now none of these things are wrong. It is not wrong to share the gospel, or go to church, pray, read, obey - but what really was fueling that was the Poser. He was still trying to fill up my life with the rewards of those actions, with the consequences of obedience, with the results of seeking God. Do you see it? Can you understand that if we pursue life based on the expectation of results and consequences and rewards we miss it. If we are fueled by wanting to see others know Jesus, or grow in faith, or be blessed for being a blessing - we miss it. We so miss it. The poser in each of us just keeps driving us into the ground. He is like a black hole.

You ever hear of people who get swindled. The are people just like you and me. I got swindled once. I was deceived by the delusion of an investment. I was led to believe that I would make tons of money. But it never took place. I keep pouring money, time, energy, and worst of all, hope into it. And never got anything. It was a black hole sucking everything I was into it.

The poser is like that. He thinks he knows what he is doing. He comes along and says, "Oh, just one more book. One more conference. One more message. One more salvation song. Oh just keep it coming, Jesus is watching and waiting to tell you, 'Well done'". And it never comes. In fact all my effort and HOPE is lost. And instead of turning to recognize the destruction of the poser has brought to my life I blame God. At some point we all blame God. Maybe not verbally or even in our thoughts, but we turn on people. We make sure to look out for number one. We seek to protect ourself, to step up, to continue on our shameless pursuit of God that is fueled and energized by Poser.

Capsized. For the first time I know that the poser has been exposed and I have been filled with Him. Jesus said that He would send the Holy Spirit to live in us. Paul says that this Spirit lives inside and calls out to Papa as children; but Poser thwarts Him. He doesn't want to give up his place.

Capsized. For the first time I am filled with Him in such a way that all those good Christian things that others do, that I did, are no longer done because I need to do them, because they are the right thing. No, they are done because they just have to get out of my life, they build up inside like a flood and just have no place to go but out.

Obedience isn't something I do because He said so. I don't confess so God will smile on me. I do them because my capsized life demands it; it has no other choice, it can't do anything else. Inside me has changed and as a result so has the world around me. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is the same.

Physically: I felt really good today. Weight: 133. I spent most of the day studying and working. I had the normal round of liquids (water, OJ, Gatorade, broth), no sampling. I admit I am as weak as it comes with food in my house. I just want to eat. So I leave when it is dinner time. I just cannot be around food. Again late afternoons and nights are so hard. But I am so close to finishing.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures hear below. Praise Him above the heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Day 28 of fast - desires of the heart

2011-01-28T15:58:00.000-08:00

There is this verse that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Now this is one of the great Christian consumerism versus of our day. I have heard this verse from so many places and from so many people and for years hated it because it just wasn't taking place in my life. I mean when I thought about the desires of my heart I could rattle off a nice cozy job, a luxury car, a house that fits us all very comfortably, all my debt paid, the girls in private school, my wife being exactly who I want her to be, and me being influential and successful. I think that is a good list to start with, definitely not everything that my heart desired, but it gives you a good picture of me. So whats the problem?

We serve a great God. Are any of these things and more possible for Him? Can He just snap His fingers and make my wish list a reality? Can He intervene in miraculous ways to ensure I don't suffer any disappointing trama? Can he grow bread and slide down my chimney and leave gifts in my living room even if I don't leave Him any cookies? Sure He can. But He didn't and He doesn't. Hummm, then it must mean that the verse that I clam and quote and have "faith" in isn't true, right? Nope.

Now let's look at how a preacher would say all this, "Well if you really delight yourself in the Lord then you don't want all these things." Or, "You must not be delighting yourself in God, the proof is in the pudding." So I read the Bible more, give more money, pray longer, go to church more frequently and still nothing. My preacher is content to let me know that God is true and that I am a failure when all I know is just the opposite.

Wanting is very time consuming. It sucks life and energy from us. If you ever come to a point where you can say, "I shall not want" then you have found the living water.

One thing fasting does, it takes away desire. By forcing myself to desire food, I no longer desire other things. It is a weird experience. Lust disappears (if your a man, then that is a big deal). Ambition is unimportant. Goals become secondary pursuits. Worry no longer knocks at your door. There is something very surreal about an extended fast. My wife says I'm weird. She says, "You're calm. You are usually buzzing around, trying to get things done. Do this, do that. Let's go here and there. But now you are just calm. You are different." She is right I am calm. Not calm because I am weak from starvation, but calm because whatever was primary in my life has now become secondary and at times irrelevant.

Let's talk about delighting ourselves in God because if we can do this then the list doesn't really matter and that's the point. If we are truly delighting ourselves in Him the list doesn't matter; all these desires mean nothing because we are completely fulfilled and satisfied in Him. This is the point of the verse. In fact, this is the point of the Bible, be filled and overflowing with the experiential (not theoretical) love of God and in return we love Him, we love others, we obey and follow Him and His commands are not burdensome.

Desires don't disappear when you are full of the love of God, they just affect you differently when they are either denied or completed. When I used to bring my desires before God their fulfillment meant my enjoyment, my satisfaction, my fulfillment, my completion, my happiness, and my encouragement; letting a heartfelt desire go was like the death of me. When they went unattended I was frustrated, at times angry, worrisome, and worst of all selfish; because if God ain't showing up, then I am taking it under my wing to get er done. Cause me doing it and fulfilling the desires of my heart is just as good as if He did it, only I get it done faster (sometimes). That was the attitude. What a miserable life. It was fearful, envious, and just disgusting.

I have caught a glimpse, a taste, of what it means to delight myself in God on this fast and as a result I no longer rely on my list to do what only God can do. If He said no to everything on my list I would not be any different than if He said yes. When you posses everything what more can be given. I think of my rich friends around Christmas; it is hard to shop for them. I am always thinking, what do you give a person who has it all. They don't want expensive things, they are happy with something thoughtful. I feel like the rich kid who has it all. I feel like I have found the greatest treasure there is and I could care less if anything else was added to it. What is this treasure? It is a truth that I have come to understand how much he loves me and how much He enjoys me. I think this is what it means to delight yourself in God. It is so refreshing; bring it Jesus.

Physically: weight stabilized 134. I feel good, excited that I am getting closer and closer to finishing. No sampling (Sampling: its what you do when you go to Sams or Costco and they have these little stands set up for you to taste the product so you buy the bad, my friend Dennis wanted a definition - I thought it was catchy. It's my way of minimizing my fall. It's not equal to a snack or a meal, its just a sample. It's something that leaves you with the desire for more but doesn't really do anything for you :)) today, liquids only. I am tired, I need some sleep. It is warmer here so I feel better, the cold is killing me. I have had as many as 4 shirts, a sweater and jacket on to warm up.

This sing rocks: He is something beautiful that touches us and changes us forever and ever and ever and ever...

Day 27 of fast - confession

2011-01-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

Scripture tells us to confess our sins to one another and to confess our sins to God. The promise return is forgiveness, cleansing, and healing. But what makes confession, apology, and admittance to wrong so hard to do?

I hate to confess. I hate admitting I am wrong. I hate asking for forgiveness or saying sorry. I don't just hate it, I flee from it, justify it, and twist my wrong to make others feel like they are the guilty party. Why?

The poser, my old man, self is showing his cards. Anytime God becomes my conflict self has been exposed. Self whose diet is sin has been at work in my life from day one doing his best to keep me sane. Unfortunately, not only has he done a bad job, but he doesn't like to give up control or bow before the new Kid on the block. As far as he is concerned this is his turf and he is fighting to keep it.

Holy Spirit, the new kid, shows up with a new plan and new way to bring peace to my soul - He says confess.

Confession brings the promise of a lighter load. Confession exposes self and bring him before King Jesus. Confession cleans a dirty conscious. Confession brings joy to our heart. Confession restores relationships. Confession allows me to experience the smile of God. Confession allows love to rule my heart. Confession allows my true self, my new man, to be unshackled from the prison of selfishness. Confession allows the new me to grow and develop deep meaningful relationships with both God and man. Without confession the Poser rules pigpen and others are viewed as threats.

A friend of mine (and I am totally name dropping here) Jack Deere (whose books you must read) is a confessor. He is honest and open. I have never met a person who came across more sincere and more in touch with his need to keep the poser in check than Jack. My experience with Jack and his confessions have created an intimacy and bond that self cannot create. And before you run off thinking oh boy I wonder what he is confessing, it is nothing like that. It is simply exposing the poser so that Jesus can shine His light.

Let me say that again: confessing is exposing the poser in each of us so that the light and life of Jesus can shine, live, work, rule, and be.

In our conversations, his ability to expose self, creates a depth and level of trust that Poser cannot stand. Though we are not best friends, and do not speak that often, when we do, I feel a strong connection.

Each day I write this blog and talk about my fast. I mention my weight, the liquids I drink, and the occasional food I sample. I hate that part. I hate the fact that these past several days have been hard as hell and I have been sampling almost uncontrollably. I hate the fact that I can't come and confess the truth; the truth that last night I ate handfuls of popcorn, several rice cakes snacky things, and when I took communion I took it three times. I hate telling you that on day 25 I had a spoonful of peanut butter with agave. I hate the fact that now when I walk into the kitchen after I get home from work I take a bit of my kids leftover breakfast, if there is any. I hate the fact that I can't control myself; there is an anxiety that I have never felt before, an addiction - I must chew/eat something. My hands bring food to my mouth in blissful disgust and without shame. I want to minimize it and lesson the shame. But that doesn't help. I didn't eat 1 piece of popcorn or a few pieces, I had several handfuls.

I am, rather Poser is, shamed to the core; he just hangs his head in disgust and says to me, now look at yourself. Look what you have done. I had this under control. You were doing a 40 day fast, just water and juice and people were going to think great things about you. They are going to say wow, they are going to give you accolades, and even if they don't do it publicly you know they think it (cause your just that awesome). But now you spoiled it, you idiot. You haven't done a real fast and now everyone knows it. Good job. Go stuff yourself with french fries, what a disgrace.

(A side note: I don't quite. I don't let one fall or many keep me from going on. I think this is important. Don't ever quite just because you fail and keep failing. If you diet and you binge one day, so what, start again. Life can be very hard, but just because you lost a battle doesn't mean you lost the war. The only way to lose with Jesus is to not get up when you are down. Peter and Judas both fell, one ran back to Jesus and one hung himself).

But somehow I am okay. Jesus picks me up and says good job. Now that you got that out of the way, now that Poser is exposed, you can rest in my love and my joy. He doesn't care that I ate popcorn, and even if He did, even if my confession had been to lying, cheating, stealing, killing, hating, envying, He still offers the same path and promise of restoration.

And as you read this you are thinking, "Are you kidding? You're a dork. Confession to sampling food when you're starved, give me a break. That is nothing in light of the big sins. Confession is ugly, it hurts. It has serious, long term consequences, and you are going on about sampling."

And I would agree with you. But the heart of confession is to expose the Poser; so whatever the sin or need is to confess, apologize, say sorry, or right a wrong then go for it with conviction. Hunt down the damn poser; great is the reward when he is brought before King Jesus.

I need the Poser out of my life; he keeps me from the awareness of Papa. He keeps me trapped under the illusion of safety.

Jesus told the story of the two men who went up to the temple to confess. One said, thank you that I am not like that poor sinner over there. The other said, forgive me for I have sinned. And Jesus drew near to the confessor/sinner. Confession creates intimacy. It exposes the idols in our life that Poser has been cleaning and polishing and showing off. It allows us to find freedom and true healing.

Physically: weight 134. I am the same weight which is awesome. I think I will be in the high 120's when I am finished but I won't be in the teens. I had blood work done again yesterday, and the result came back today. I am okay, said the Dr. My liver, kidneys and blood sugar is fine. My muscle mass has deteriorated but that is to be expected. So upward and onward. I feel lucid. I am sleeping a lot less still; 5-6 hours a night. I am cold. I feel calm and not weak. I have 13 days left and I can't wait to get it done. I am going to do my best to not sample anymore. I am going to finish strong.

A little confessional rap :)

Day 26 the day the fast almost ended

2011-01-26T08:10:00.000-08:00

I will start this by saying, I did not end the fast. I woke up at 340am and started to think about today and my wife's reaction to what is going on and then decided to write this before going to work. I sent her a text and asked her to read it before I posted it and then we could talk. After she read it, and we talked, she was okay with me continuing on the fast. Something that I want to do, but know that I do not have to. After writing this mornings post I realized I had both dealt with my pride issue and come to love on my wife in a way that honored her. I look at this post and my coming to terms with a premature end to the fast as a seed that died and by the goodness of God has been resurrected. Solomon wrote that if we cast our bread upon the waters it will return to us. This morning I cast my fast into the water and God returned it to me.

So here is what I wrote earlier...

When the end is inevitable there is always the last long hug goodbye; hoping and wishing that you could stay but knowing you must go. That is the way I feel with my fast. The other day when I wrote that I had eaten the "other bread" I knew that I could stop this fast; that what I had wanted to accomplish was finished, but my old man wanted to keep going. The poser inside me yelled, "You can't stop. You will have failed. You are going to quite the race half way through? You loser. See, you never finish anything. You start with enthusiasm and quit when the going gets tough. You will never amount to anything. Go ahead quit, that is what you always do anyways." My sense of pride, that I mentioned the other day, is screaming out don't stop, everyone will know you're a quitter.

Self has this need to continue to build up greatness in the eyes of others. He has the need to ensure his future as the one who can take care of me. He stands up and gives his advice and vehemently opposes all who through humility and love attempt a coup. The poser is only doing what he knows to do. He is only doing what I have allowed him to do my whole life. And so Jesus comes and takes the towel and the basin and washes His feet and lets him know there is a better way.

I set out on this fast to know God better; and I have done just that. I have come away with the ability to examine life through the eyes of a beloved and treasured child of Papa; one who has been adopted, engrafted, and pampered by the Holy One of Israel. This new ability is now the start of a brand new life; where the living water will be finding ways to explode out, where self will learn to kneel before the cross, where love will have strength to heal others, where light will find its going out from under the bucket, and where I can finally find rest in Him.

I am sad to end this fast. The poser says, just wait God won't meet with you anymore. You will find this was all just a mountain top high that cannot be sustained when you stop. And then I think, that can't be true; otherwise I would have to fast forever and I know that is not God's plan.

I said I would stop fasting if I felt God ask me to; well He is giving me a choice and I chose love. My wife is very concerned about my health. She is 7 months pregnant and afraid that something will happen to me. Is her fear justified? No. Is it real for her? Yes. She is in a tough spot. For years I have heaped blame on her for our spiritual desert. While I have tried to not do just that, somehow she knows the poser within who has made sure to communicate both verbally and silently that somehow I blame her for my trials and frustrations with God and ministry. So now on the one hand she wants me to stop fasting but on the other if I stop she will feel a load of guilt that is not hers to bear. I have a lot of loving and reassuring to do with her and only the healing balm of mercy and grace will sooth her pain. I know that I cannot convince her that I am okay; that my health is fine. But I can convince her that I love her and that she is the most important to me.

If there is anything that I have learned (and I say that in a progressive manner, not definitive) on this fast is that love casts out all fear and mercy triumphs over judgment. I could keep fasting. My poser wants me to. But love compels me to stop. I don't need to keep on. I live under the revelation of His joy in my life; it is time I extend that joy and love to someone else in service and humility.

Jesus did go into a desert to fast and pray; I have a family who sees me withering away and they are concerned. Love guided by the Holy Spirit is always right. Jesus told me he was going to teach me lessons on humility and so my fast ends on that note.

So long beautiful fast. You have exposed the poser, brought me into the light of the glorious love of Jesus, calmed my lusting ways, energized my body, stayed my mind, flooded me with the river of living water, shined the glory of Jesus into my idol store, and given me the gift of open eyes, an understanding heart, and hearing ears.

I am scared. I am scared I will end this and wake up from this beautiful dream. I am scared that I will sabotage my experience and rationalize the joy and truth I found away. I am scared that I will no longer be able to meet with God as I do now. I am scared that this love will only be a pit stop on this journey and not the path itself. I am scared that I will return to who I was, how I thought, and how I interacted with people. I am scared that it will all just fade away...

In fear I take the inevitable step of faith and break my fast, trusting that God will sustain this spark He has placed in me. My hope rests on Him and knowing that the work He began in me He will complete.

I found this video. It has so much character and depth. You can hear the record popping away as it plays, the pastor preaching and lifting up the people, the choir resounding in the background. Let us all shout and sing, "On Christ the solid rock I stand."

Day 25 of fast - loving an enemy

2011-01-25T17:59:00.000-08:00

"With great power comes great responsibility." Spiderman's uncle. In light of this great love that God has poured out into my life, how can I show love to people or a person who either intentionally or unintentionally attacks me; and I'm not talking with their fists but with their words?

People who are closest to me act as a crucible for love. My family and coworkers know the real me. They are the ones who can call my bluff, and let everyone know that I am not all that I think I or pretend to be. People act as mirrors and magnifying glasses. They help us dig deep into the heart of selfishness and expose the dirt and disgust that sickens each of us. Enemies also expose the poser in us.

Jesus told us to turn the other check, to pray, to forgive our enemies. Even on the cross he ask His Papa to forgive them for not knowing what they were doing. What do you mean "not knowing". They knew full well what they were doing, make em burn, would have been my response. I mean that is the way I act today for far lesser offenses. I have been blessed to be in situations (long lasting ones) that expose the true me; but also unfortunate in that I have failed to capitalize on the great opportunity I had to oust the poser in my life and bring him to the cross.

So what about the enemy? It could be a family member, a spouse, a friend, a coworker, a neighbor, a sibling, a stranger; anyone who finds a way to poke and rattle my sense of safety and security and threaten the idols that I have set up. What idols? An idol is anything that exposes itself as contradictory to the love of Jesus. In other words if I am not reflecting the love that Jesus is shining into my darkness then I have just found an idol that is casting a shadow onto the relationships around me.

Most people, who know me, know my buttons (idols). They know what provokes the poser to stand up and fight. Funny thing is I am just now seeing it. What gives me the right to retaliate, to fight back, to stand up in self defense at the expense of bludgeoning another? Is the truth of His fanaticism over me not enough to act with mercy and compassion over the person whose Self has come out in attack and defense. In other words, when someones self comes to hurt me, why can't I just extend mercy, compassion, understanding, and say with Jesus, "they don't know what they are doing?"

I had a moment today where I felt attacked. I really wanted to jump out of my skin and fight. But I just sat there perplexed and contemplating how to react in light of who I am in God's eyes. (The flow of His love in my life found a blockage and I needed and wanted it to break free; cause otherwise it messes you up inside). I don't want to destroy someone, whom my Savior loves deeply, because the poser feels an idol threatened. My sense of wholeness, safety, satisfaction, and security are deeply rooted in the reality of God's love and His Shepherding of me that any reaction that does not flow from the living waters that are being poured through my life is reproachable and evil and worthy of death.

Why do I want to fight? To show people how great I am, to secure a better monetary future, to insure safety, to feel good about myself, to defend my name, my actions, or my rights. I don't need to fight; He fights for me. An act of love is found at the cross. And I am empowered by His love and grace to extend mercy, selfless forgiveness and a humble apologetic spirit.

I don't like to be wrong. I argue all the time. I hate to be corrected. And the good thing is God saw fit to extend love, tenderness, compassion, mercy, and forgiveness to me even though He didn't have to. How many times have I cursed God, blamed Him for my troubles and unfulfilled expectations? How often have I been the accuser, pointing my finger at His face, saying things I can't type? How often have I disobeyed Him, hated His creation, cursed my brother, and wished harm to another who bears His DNA? Did God have the right to disown me? To give me the finger and turn His back and walk away forever? You bet He did. Which makes His love so much richer, so much more powerful, so much more real, so much sweeter...it creates depths of breathlessness that only the sinner can experience, it can leave you gasping for air desiring death by drowning in His love. It provides a healing so deep that the only response I have to those who commit smaller infractions is to reciprocate that same love, grace and mercy that He did to me.

Like I said this new life is a journey in which I will find ways for the living water to flow from my life and today provided one of those moments.

Physically: weight 135. Today was harder than yesterday. I thought the fast would get easier, but it has not. It is getting increasingly more difficult, almost exponentially. I no longer have the confidence I can make 40 days. Today I had more sampling than usual; a half cookie, a chip, a few rice thingies, a bite of a fish stick, and some broth; that along with my normal round of liquid. The feeling that I have now in my body is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I am not just wanting to eat, but my body is compelled to find food. The amount of stress and strain is only as bearable as my next decision to say no to the food that calls to me at every turn. The days go by painstakingly slow. Hours are torture. Today at work, for the first time, I wanted to really eat. I mean instinctual type wanting. Another thing I have not mentioned is an itchy type feeling that I have had on my shoulders for the past couple of weeks. It comes and goes, but boy do my shoulders start to itch and I just have to scratch for relief. I have continued with the Smooth Move but will stop today. I think I have gotten rid of anything that needed to come out.

A friend of mine, Nathan, whose blog I read mentioned he listened to this group. Sons of Korah, they write music for the Psalms... here is one. And after a day in which self stayed love I need this one.

Day 24 of fast - raptured

2011-01-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

"A new command I give you: love one another as I have loved you" (John 13:34).

I have always quoted the verse love others as you love yourself, but I like this other better. Love others just like you know and experience the love of Jesus. Until now there have only been two events in my life that have forever changed the way I relate and know God; 1. The day I was saved. 2. The day God told me the all the gifts were still available. Now a 3rd has taken place; I have tasted and been given eyes to see love, God's incredible love for me.

For years I have been searching, hungering, wanting a deeper more supernatural experience with God. I have envied healers, miracle workers, and ministers who do the works of Jesus. I saw my fellow classmates working in ministry and jealousy has ravaged my heart. I heard prophets and I wanted to hear God. I saw men on the platform and I wanted to be there. I wanted to be surrounded by the crowd. I wanted to see people come to know Jesus by the masses. I have stayed up on my birthday praying all night asking God for a visitation I never got, hoping He would just show up and do something supernatural.

I have gone to conferences where they tell us hunger for God and teach us principles of living, and oh how I have hungered and searched, and come away with nothing; absolutely nothing but more guilt, more anxiety, more desperation, more envy, and more assurance that the God I was seeking surely was never to be found, and these games He played sucked and were cruel. I was so freakn mad. How could He continue to claim to love me and yet hide Himself away. Was is it so much to ask to hear His voice or see His face or go to heaven, I mean people I knew had experienced that, why not me? Why not me? Why not me?

That is how I always felt with Him, why not me? Why does my wife hear His voice and have visions and I don't? Why does this pastor hear the audible voice of God and all I hear is my ranting and raving? Why do people fall down in the spirit when prayed for and I just stand there like a brick, never falling, never feeling, never nothing, a big fat freakn zero?

I started this fast with one objective, to know God better. I wasn't even sure what I was doing. I mean some people fast for direction on what to do in life, some for power, some for breakthrough. But I really didn't know what I was fasting for, I just wanted to and I hoped in the process I would know God better. But to be honest I really didn't think it would work. I mean, so many times I have prayed, spent hours in worship, reading, praying and got zilch. But I must say that if He had answered every prayer I have ever prayed, it would pail in comparison to what He has shown me about His love and His tenderness for me these past couple of weeks. In fact, I think I could say that every prayer I have ever prayed, has been answered in the past 24 days, and that is no joke.

A revelation of love is an invitation to a new life. You never see the same. You can't think the same. You can't speak the same. Values change. The way you see yourself and others is completely different. Fear flees. Fear, my archenemy, has finally found someone bigger than him and is now retreating

I feel I have been raptured into the love and joy of God. I guess for the first time I REALLY believe that He loves me and I am convinced that neither demons, nor angels, nor poverty, nor wealth, nor trial, nor temptation, nor suffering, nor abundance, nor anything else can ever separate me from this revelation of love and from the truth of His love for me. I do not have to ask for an experience or a feeling. I don't have to beg and plead. He just freakn loves me madly and without shame, hesitation, reserve, or restraint. He pours out goodness like a flood and I am lost.

I don't need to walk in power, be picked out of the crowd for a word, fall over when touched, hear the voice, see the angels, have a fat bank account, find success in living, stand before crowds, or have a respected name or title; nope for He is my Shepard I will not want. I am the one He loves. I am His.

Oh Papa you love me and are glorified in the fact that I know it and believe it. You spin around me and celebrate my new found understanding. Your banner is raised over me, I'm your treasured son and I know it. You rejoice knowing that I believe You.

Jesus told us that to do the works we had to believe in Him. I think I finally can begin to understand this verse now. This is the start of a brand new life for me. One that will take me on a journey into the heart of God that I never dreamed of. Just as everything changed before, so everything will begin to change now, I am certain of it. Only this time instead of a friend, or book, or education to guide me, Papa Himself is taking me on this journey.

Physically: weight 134.5. Today was a very tough day. I think the rain and cold had something to do with it, but I had pain in the top of my head, I was tired and really, really wanting to eat (a couple of chips and a tiny rice thing found their way into my mouth, I don't know how, but they were yummy) The evenings are so tempting. If there was ever a time to stay out of the kitchen, it is now. Nights are the hardest. But I will press on. Each day is one day closer to finishing. I will go to the Dr. again this week and get some blood work done. I will say that there is a sense of pride in doing an extended fast; it is something I have to deal with. But I will admit it is there. Papa and I will talk about it soon. Anyway, I had the normal liquids today, water, Gatorade, and OJ with Berry Green.

For some reason this song really struck me today: maybe it is the only response I have to His love or my spirits reaction to His tenderness and mercy, but whatever it is I thought is was right

Day 23 of fast - surrender after satisfaction

2011-01-23T06:14:00.000-08:00

I woke up early this morning thinking about my relationship with my kids. I find myself always wanting to change them; either teach them something, make them more responsible, guide them, or put them on a path that avoids some of the heartache I have faced in life. I relate to them out of fear and not from love.

This concept I am pondering is a bit confusing for me right now, mainly because it is in its infant stages; it is not something that rages like fire in my bones yet - but rather is a spark therefore if what I say is kind of convoluted then I'm sorry.

What makes love difficult to convey is that many of us say to some degree that we believe God loves us, yet the life we live is not reflective or the reaction of love but rather a life that is reflective and reactive of fear and apathy. We have some how taken the light of love ie obedience to God, love for others, tenderness, patience, selflessness, and fruit and called it the sun. And taken the sun, the producer of love, and made it the light. I act in obedience in hopes to show my love; but I have no love to empower my obedience. I am working to do and be without the revelation, understanding, insight, and experience of His love. Instead of finding myself lost in His incredible admiration and stare, I am lost in my own production of results to show that I love and or am loved.

I'm a poser, an impostor. I am trying to create a shadow without standing in the light. Instead of being in the Light and letting the shadow cast itself. I fain to know the heart of God but still drive others with fear and expectation. In my lack of experiential love I have taken hold of theology and fabricated and falsified obedience and stressed to produce fruit. I say I have given my life to God, that I have surrendered everything, but the reality is I have found no satisfaction in love until now.

Life is a reaction to His love not an action on a check list. And even then it is not something I manufacture, it is something that flows from me.

Jesus said that obedience to His word would be easy and light; that can only be the result of a life infused with the experience of God's love. Otherwise obedience is hard, demanding and stressful. But when I am empowered by love obedience flows from my life, loving others is sincere, fruit is produced, faith has hope, and life is truly abundant. A life that abides in His love produces (is the natural result), without any effort or work on my behalf, God's stuff. Anything else is just a cheap imitation.

Understanding and experiencing love will change the way I relate to people. It will change the way I see the world. It will change my hope for tomorrow. It will change my family. It will change everything.

Oh wonderful Papa, you have given me hope. You have lit up my dark path. You have opened the windows of this enclosed and suffocating house and flooded me with fresh wind. You continue to share with me the secrets of your love and the depths of your passion. Thank you. For years I have lived whipped and beaten under the agony of self hate and disappointment, a stranger to your love. But now I see. Now I feel. Now I taste. Now I hear. Now I experience your love; Your overwhelming tenderness, goodness, acceptance and mercy as your child. For years my internal pain and hurt were shouting at me, a constant reminder that I needed to know love, but I ignored it because I didn't know what to do with it. Until now; now I ask. Now I seek. Now I desire to know Your love above all else. Continue to reveal it to me; I find this bread, this other bread, satisfying and sustaining. Yum.

Physically: weight was the same. My weight loss has tapered off. I am not losing weight at the velocity I was at the start. Fasting is brutal; can I be honest with you, I'm tired, I really want to eat (whats new?). Anyway I feel normal. No crazy headaches or detox symptoms. I had the usual run of liquids (water, OJ, gatorade) and no sampling today.

Day 22 of fast - love myself

2011-01-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

The quote is from Brennan Manning (2002) and he says, “ Years ago Carl Jung wrote, ‘The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ -all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself-that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness – that I myself am the enemy who must be loved-what then? As a rule, the Christians’ attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say too the brother within us “Raca”, and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide if from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.’

When we accept the truth of what we really are and surrender it to Jesus Christ, we are enveloped in peace, whether or not we feel ourselves to be at peace. By that I mean the peace that passes understanding is not a subjective sensation of peace; if we are in Christ, we are in peace even when we feel no peace” (loc 372-76 Kindle).

Jesus said to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Ever notice how hard it is to love someone else when you hate yourself? If we hate or despise or constantly beat ourselves up how can we pretend to love others with compassion, acceptance, patience, and tenderness? Let's not fool ourselves and walk under the guise of false humility; we don't love others because we can't even love ourselves. It is hard to give away what I do not possess. For years I beat myself up for the things I did not do, for the prayers I did not pray, for the promises I did not keep, for the versus I did not memorize. And what I was unable to accomplish on my own I set standards for others around me to accomplish. Admiration was earned through work and diligence and discipline. If you were unable to meet the standards that I set up (that even I myself could not keep) then you were rebuffed and humiliated.

I have to admit that I have been an egregious slave driver in my house since inception. I have been unrelenting in setting up spiritual standards that looked more like hierarchy and achievement than relationship and love. I have burdened my wife with my shortcomings, my disappointments, and my self hate. I have set up in my house an idol, called him God, and let him rule with a whip. Why? Because I did not live in the love of Papa. It is easy to say that we know God loves us (what Christ follower doesn't say that), but it is a lifestyle that proves we actually do. I cannot pretend to know God's love and tenderness if I abuse myself with insults, guilt, shame, and despair. The later implies God is doing just the same; that His thoughts toward me are disgusting. No, I can look at my own shortcomings in the light of his love and bring self before God for healing and forgiveness and power. Maybe who we are on the inside is vague mirror of who God is to us, I'm not sure, but it is worth contemplating.

I am undergoing a metamorphosis. A change so profound that it has shaken me to my core. I have never understood the compassion and beauty of Gods affection towards me like I do today. And I have never been able to starve the slave driver like I do today. I have never been able to find peace in acceptance like I do today. Why? For I am undone by the thought that He just likes me. I don't have to do anything; He just likes me. As I grow in this understanding, the way I relate to others is slowly starting to change; and I like it. Oh God of peace may your light shine into my confusion and dispel the myths and twisted thoughts I have of You, merciful lover of me.

Physically: weight 135 - yes I know, im skinny. As for the diet, I had my normal array of liquid yesterday along with the Smooth Move...this stuff works wonders in pushing stuff out that you didn't even know you had. Some people think that there cannot be anything inside if you havent eaten in 22 days, but the truth is it is lining your insides, packed in there, caked up and waiting to be scrubbed out.

Next subject. I think my drop in weight is because I took my wife to see West Side Story last night and we were out late; so my body was probably eating a bunch of calories it didnt have to eat. As for food I want to eat, but I am not hungry. Hunger is what you feel before a meal, the desire to eat is wanting to put something in my mouth and chew something savory (or maybe it is the opposite). Anyway I think I will be able to make the 40 days. That is exciting.

Okay so one last confession: I had another couple of chips today to get this nasty taste out of my mouth. And I had a few pieces of popcorn just because. So today I had a few samples. But what can I do. Drink more water and stay out of the kitchen. I must admit, making food for the kids, putting up groceries and cleaning up the pantry just is overwhelming. It is as if my body just goes for the food; almost uncontrollable (almost). It is a very strange reaction. It is almost impulsive. Its instinctual to eat. I think that is what is so hard about fasting right now. My basic instincts are being suppressed and any chance they have to break free they do.

God isn't mad or disappointed and neither am I.

References

Manning, Brennan. (2002). Abba’s child: The cry of the heart for intimate belonging. NavPress.

Day 21 of fast - a custom handbag

2011-01-21T03:37:00.000-08:00

Whenever I come to God I am often trying to do something, say something, or think something to capture His attention or to feel that I am having a spiritual moment. Sometimes I want to imagine myself before His throne lifting my hands in worship. Other times I want to be singing loud and with emotion all so that my Papa knows that I am taking time to be with Him, to think about Him, so that He can check off His list that I was there; kind of like attendance.

I tried that again this morning and He didn't like it. I did my usual array of thanksgiving, and confession and then walked into the Holy place and lifted my hands only to feel sadness. Not my sadness, His sadness; as if He were saying this is not it. This is not what I want. So I lowered my hands and just sat. I stared into my kitchen with thoughts running around my mind; some thoughts about Him others about work and school. I did not know what to do. I wanted God to see that my mind could be stayed on Him; that I was making an effort. He wanted nothing to do with it. As I moped, a thought came to mind, find yourself as my beloved; come to an understanding that you are mine. Then He poked me. Spiritually speaking that is.

He began to show me a picture of a handbag/purse. In my mind I saw Him pointing out features of the handbag; its craftsmanship, its utility. Then He showed me His sewing shop; the place He hand crafted each bag. It was a simple place but it was the home of a dedicated artisan. Nothing fancy about the shop but the purses were exquisite.

He then pointed to me and said notice these purses they are handcrafted custom bags each one beautiful and unique, and no two alike. They were formed from my heart, they carry my mark, my signature, my smile, and my name. They are in a crowd of their own. They are the most envied of all handbags. Their value is beyond measure. But most importantly is that they understand this. These handbags are not competing or jockeying for position or prestige. They do not fear hanging in a window, being on a shelf, carried by wealth or poverty, or even left alone. They are not intimidated by other brands. They know the name they carry. They understand who made them and why they were created and they will wait patiently to be found in service to another.

It was at this moment that self, the poser in my life, hung his head. For all the years of trying to imitate the real deal and acquire what only rest and intimacy with Papa could, He felt dejected and weak; thwarted from his place of prominence. I finally came to rest. Papa had finally given me eyes to see; I am a precious, handcrafted, signature, custom handbag in whom He delights and takes pleasure. Not because of my accomplishments or inklings or holiness or hopes or brokenness, but because I am His. I am God's handbag stitched without flaw and pondered with wonder. I am admired from afar and held closely in awe. Some are Prada, Leiber, Vuitton, and Coach, but I cannot escape His signature, or His embrace, I am forever God's (PS. So are you)

I read a news report months ago about Judith Leiber, famous luxury handbag designer, that came back to me after my chat with God. The story told about how she was in search of her creations. She was scouring the earth purchasing all her old handbags and putting them on display in her museum for all to see. It makes me think about how our Designer also comes scouring the earth seeking to find us, purchase us with His Son and show us off to the world.

Wow.

My mom sent this video to me today and I think it is just right for the subject.

Day 20 of fast - longings vs. lust

2011-01-20T02:48:00.000-08:00

God will always give us the true longings of our heart. In fact, He loves to do that. The problem we have is that we do not know how to discern the difference between a longing of the heart and a lust of the flesh. Usually what we consider desire, want, and longing of the heart is really lust hiding itself setting us up for disappointment and anger at God.

The true longing of every heart is intimacy with Papa. Our drive for relationship with others, our drive for love with a spouse is an external sign of the deepest longing of the heart and that is to know God. In God we find completion. So what is a clear way to determine if what I want is a longing or a lust/idol that resides in my heart? I think if God were to answer no, would I be mad and disappointed feeling the weight of unmet expectations is a clear sign that lust has found its way into my heart. God's answer to intimacy is always yes; we just need to be able to discern the events around us and in us as progression to that answer. He loved Israel with fervor and relentless pursuit and He had not died for them; how much more us, who bear His Son and are sealed by the Holy Spirit, will He favor and cherish without shame.

So often our love for Him is predicated on the comfort we have in life. Our thoughts of God are frequently about how He has generously given and greedily taken. Such a sad state for us a children. It is hard to relate to someone who seems narcissistic or at best is aloof and distant. In order to compensate for His apathy we request things, want things and hope that if He will throw us a bone we will be able to survive the trials and difficulties of this life while still maintaining "faith".

Its okay to think this way, I bring these broken and distorted thoughts to God and say, Im sorry. I know that my brokenness is the result of years of self being unable and unwilling to draw near to your love; but I bring self to You and You hold me and heal me and allow me to understand that in your great compassion You drive lust from me to fulfill my true hunger for life with Jesus.

Physically: weight 137. I felt good today. Fasting is stressful and hard on the body. But as I told a friend today, there is something indescribable about this journey and no matter how I try to say it, or picture it, it is just something you have to try for yourself. I had the usual run of liquid today. I will start to incorporate the Smooth Move into my nighttime routine as it provides a morning cleanse that I think will bring some long term health benefits. I wont go into detail about it, if you are so inclined just Google colon cleanse, master cleanse, etc. and you will find tons of info on the term and its benefits. I woke up at 350am today...and could not get back to sleep, so energy has returned. Even now as I write I think about all that needs to be done; fun. As normal my body temperature is cold; my hands are cold, my feet are cold, I am cold. I dont like it. I have made it half way through the fast; another 10 days and I will have made it. If I can make it another 10 days I will be able to finish the fast. Lets see what happens. I think I will be okay.

I started this fast with the desire to get to know God better and one of the ways He is answering that prayer is by changing my idea of who He is and what He is doing.

Great song not so great video:

Cool video

Day 19 of fast - shattered dreams my invitation

2011-01-19T10:29:00.000-08:00

I was driving to the store yesterday thinking about God’s pursuit of me; wondering just how far He takes His desire for me to know His love. And He spoke to me. I will get back to what He said in a minute. But I want I want to preface His comment with a puzzle.

The first piece is 1 John 5:21 “Dear children, keep yourselves free from idols.” John ends his letter in, what I consider, a very strange way. I never really got this verse until recently. The whole book of 1 John talks about the love of God and loving other people.

Now check out this verse, second piece of the puzzle, 1 John 3:1 that says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.” Did you catch that word, lavish, that’s pretty incredible. That is not just a little love but gobs and gobs of it.

Here is the third piece of the puzzle; God answers prayer. I believe that God hears and responds to me all the time.

One last piece of this puzzle; throughout the Old Testament God continuously purged His people of idols with the desire that they would turn and seek Him and only love Him. He was jealous for their love and was in constant unrelenting pursuit of their heart.

Now back to my story. I was on my way to the store with these thought popping around in my head when I head the Lord speak to me about why I was brought back the states. You see 11 years ago we were living as missionaries in Argentina working as youth pastors in a church. God changed our theology and brought us back to the states. Now my prayer then was, "God I want to know you more." He answered that prayer but I missed it.

He spoke to me saying, "You missed how much I loved you when I took away an idol and gave you an opportunity to only have me. While you were cutting grass and complaining about how I took away something you loved more than me, you were missing the opportunity I was giving you to know me." Then I saw it for the first time in 11 years. I wasn't brought back here to be equipped, or trained for ministry I was brought back here because God's jealous love for me demanded that my idols be removed so that nothing could stand in the way of our great love affair.

God's love hunts me down and takes from me anything that competes with Him; why? Because I want Him to and He wants to also. I have always wanted God but have not had the eyes to see or ears to hear how he also wants me. What I have confused as pain and suffering and shattered dreams, God has called opportunity for intimacy. I have long been hung up about been in "ministry" and or on the mission field thinking it was something "spiritual" but I am no longer sure that my "good" and "right" selfishness is where life is found. I am no longer sure. And as a result I will seek to be God obsessed instead of self possessed.

I know this isn't an answer on shattered dreams but I will write about how to overcome them soon.

Physically: Weight: 137.5. I felt pretty good today. I still really want to eat. I guess there is no getting around that. My mind is sharp and clear. I am more tired than usual in the evenings. I also had some tea called Smooth Move (I dont even have to tell you what it does) which went into effect this morning. I had my normal run of liquids. And tonight I had communion with my family so I had a bite of bread that I had made. Like I said before we are now doing daily family devotionals. Tonight and for many nights to come we are going to have communion because I feel we need to, but also so my kids really learn the meaning of it. There is power in communion. Another interesting body note is that I do not have body odor; ie no need for deodorant which is interesting. I guess smell comes from toxins being emitted from the body, and I think because I am not eating I do not have any major toxins to release therefore no stinky. Kind of cool.

Day 18 - like a lily

2011-01-18T16:08:00.000-08:00

Jesus tells us to abide in Him. He says that He is the vine and we are the branches. Abiding requires no work, so why does it seem so hard. I mean this idea of relationship with God doesn't seem easy when I think about reading, studying, praying, worshiping.

Is that what Jesus had in mind when He said abide? What about when Jesus said that Solomon, who was the best representation of "blessing" we have in the Old Testament, was not as well clothed as a lily. What? What does a lily have to do with anything? Here is what a lily does. Nothing. It sits in the sun and absorbs its rays, its sucks nutrients from the ground and it grows. Yet Jesus said they are better clothed than Solomon.

Humm? Makes me wonder why I dont just spend more time soaking up rays from the Son. Why am I so busy making relationship? What ever happened to just looking to God. Paul says that the more we look the more we become like Him. This is not easy for me to process and even harder when I think of certain implications (like how it really affects my ministry and motivation).

I am so concerned about producing for God that I forget that He is the vine and that my best production will probably come when I just sit with Him. God, I want to be like a lily, beautiful as a result of soaking up the Son. I am tired of thinking about how to produce fruit and streamline production, I just want to sit under Your rays. The result will be fruit and honor and glory to the Vine.

Physically: weight 138. I will say today was really, really hard. All day was hard. I don't know why, but it was. I want to chew on food. I want to crunch and destroy chips and cookies in my mouth. Maybe the weather had something to do with it, a front of some kind came through and it has been rainy. But I am not sure. I had the same stuff today; water, oj, berry green, gatorade, a few sips (literally) of broth and this is my sin for the day 1 chip and 1/4 of acookie....ahhh. Then I just got ice and started eating it by the glass full. I have probably eaten like 4 glasses of ice this afternoon. I just have to chew. I am almost half way done with the fast...but at the same time I am only half way done...so so hard. God will help me.

Day 17 of fast - the breastplate

2011-01-17T07:02:00.001-08:00

In the old testament the priests had a breastplate with stones on it. Each stone represented a name of one of the tribes of Israel. The priest would go into the temple and into the holy of holies wearing this breastplate, carrying the names over his heart and on his shoulders. it was simple. it was a constant reminder before God.

today we are the temple of God. last night i was talking with God about my prayer time and how frustrated I was that i had to be silent because i felt like i wasn't praying for people or interceding for those around me like i would like to and He shared this thought with me. the OT is a picture of spiritual things that are real today. just like the priest would wear the stones over his chest/heart before me so you too carry those you love and want to pray for in your heart. they are like stones before me that you bring because they are embedded in your spirit man.

You have clothed yourself with prayer and petition and intercession, no need to use words to communicate - you are communicating. when someone says pray for me my prayer becomes a desire and hope that God will grant that request. i know this sounds odd, but how do you pray without ceasing (which is something Paul commands)? it has to be without words; the more i die to self the more constant i become in prayer for i am no longer pursuing my own desires but rather the heart of God.

i had some thoughts on unanswered prayer also that i need to dig into but i had this picture last night: i was walking with God talking about prayer. i was praying and i noticed that many of my prayers were flying right by Him, i mean just zooming right past as if he was taking no notice of what i was saying and he said to me, "are you paying attention to what i am doing? can't you see what we are doing? pay attention to me so you can come into agreement with me."

It was true I had no idea where we were or where we were going, i was so busy firing off my prayers that i was completely oblivious to anything else. when God seems distant or quiet, or when my relationship with Him is rule based, or when i am just in performance mode, i miss the fruit of relationship...which is being able to walk with Him, pay attention to what He is doing, agree with it, and let the other stuff fade away. i do not have to fire off prayer after prayer hoping one will smack him in the face hard enough for him to answer because He loves me and has a pretty good way of doing things; let me do what Jesus did, see what He does and do it; listen to what He says and say it. i am finally getting a taste of what those versus mean.

back to the silence. lets think about the Old Testament temple in terms of noise. here is a diagram of the temple. everyone was able to be in the outer courts, but only the priest was allowed to go inside. so in terms of noise, it was really loud outside. people were making sacrifices, so you had animal sounds, people talking, you had vendors selling, and life taking place. but it got really quite as you went into the Holy of Holies. as you got closer to God silence was a bi product. as God shared this picture with me last night i came to peace with my silence, it is still weird, but i am OK with it.

so i will offer my sacrifice of worship and praise and thanksgiving in the outer courts, but as i get closer i will carry prayer in my heart and listen to what God is doing and join Him in His task.

Physically: I wake up feeling good and for most of the day I am doing pretty good. I was home all day today (the holiday and the market was closed). The night is so hard. I really want to eat, I mean I really want to eat. Tonight the neighbor gave us chocolate cookies, so so tempting. I had the normal consumption of liquid; water, OJ, and Gatorade. I did sleep in today, that was nice. If I can survive each night I will make it through the fast...this is not easy. As for energy I feel fine. I have plenty of mental clarity and other than the evening agitation due to my hunger and pain I am OK. I think my weight is good it is 138.5.

I found this song today: LOVE IT...gotta listen to it

Day 16 of fast - futile words

2011-01-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

I dont know what it is, but i get before God and the music i sing and the words i speak fall short of fulfillment. it is hard to put into words but what i know as getting close to God; singing and talking doesn't seem to be working. Paul said we are to pray without ceasing and glorify God in everything we do. now that is a hard task, but what if acts of love, kindness, and obedience to Jesus are just really where we connect to the heart of God? what if laying aside selfishness speak more than my prayers, and give more praise than my lips.

lets be real, having a relationship with God is not the easiest task. its even very hard to describe. what i want to describe sounds more like religion. what i want to talk about is my prayer time (rule 1) my worship time (rule 2) my reading time (rule 3). do you see that...all these things that i do, how much do they have to do with relationship? i think the following describes relationship a little better; God does things for me because He loves me, I do things for God because I love Him. this is so hard to describe, sorry, bottom line is this; i get before God and am silent and feel i sit there and worship Him and these times are better than any time that i have spent talking or singing, I honestly feel that just being me being His is enough...

let me say it this way: prayer has become time when i become conscious of being a son of God, of His love and passion for me that is taking place 24 hours a day 7 days a week. so really it is just a moment when i get to experience and take time to be aware of us. this is so so different than the way it was before...very strange for me indeed.

Physically: I did not lose any more weight, so that was awesome. I feel good, not much to say. I am at a stage in the fast where I cannot just go out and eat food. I would do some serious damage to myself if i stuffed down some pizza or a burger. now if i were to eat it would be to come off the fast. i think this part of the fast will be about mental toughness, the next 10 days or so will just be about enduring the pain and suffering of the fast mentally. 40 days is a long time, and it can wear on you, so mental toughness here i come. I drank water, the Berry Green with some OJ in the morning, and some Gatorade and a few sips of chicken broth to get this nasty taste out of my mouth. the gatorade was the dr's idea, and i like the way my body reacts to it more than the fruit juice. still sleeping less than 6hrs each night, which is uncommon for me(i used to sleep at least 8).

** the church : bread : rising

2011-01-16T04:14:00.000-08:00

I woke early this morning thinking about a dream I just had. In this dream we were in a large building that had two churches, one was evangelical the other was catholic. I went over the the catholic side and invited them to come and taste the evangelical side. Many got up and come over. Then I went to the evangelical side and asked them to come over and taste the catholic side and many went over (the pastor was not happy).

For many months now I have been thinking about the church and its role in creating disciples. Also in my own experience of trying to find a church home since we moved to Houston and Katy I have been to many different churches and I walk away with one thought; they all have something I need but none of them have it all. Years ago I thought about it like this; each pastor bakes bread for his congregation that he feeds them each week. And each week the congregation eats the same bread and if you are not a mega church pastor then you sit and wonder why your congregation is anemic and withering away, lethargic and without spark. Even good pastors who recognize the need for people to grow and create programs within the church eventually produce people who only feast on their bread.

While on a retreat with a couple of friends, Anthony and Mike, we talked about the ideal path of growth for a believer our thoughts went like this. Under the guidance of a mature believer we could take a new convert and start him in a Baptist church, cause there they get a love for the word and instilled with the importance of seeing the lost get saved and brought to church. Then we would take that person to a charismatic church; there they would find joy in worship and praise, learn about the Holy Spirit, learn to move in the gifts, get radical and crazy for Jesus. Then we would take them to a catholic church; here they would be tempered and learn reverence and roots and history, they would enjoy liturgy and older songs. Next we would go to a Presbyterian or Methodist church where they could learn more about theology and community service. And finally we would bring them back home to continue to grow in our community. this is just a idea we threw around a campfire one night, but that spark could turn into a fire that rages for Jesus.

This morning I woke up with this thought again. Over the past week there has been a great stirring in my soul about the church and about my part in it. I am praying about things to change in a big way for us, but if they dont then here is a thought.

I love to bake bread. I am not the best, but it is something that holds my interest. what if there was a church that goes about building COMMUNITIES that shadow God, build the church, and heal the world (cool terms stolen from Westwinds.org). But this will not be your typical church, or a typical untypical church, it will be because I grow people, create disciples using the churches in the area to do so. I am going to create a systematic banquet / buffet of bread that people can feast on and grow through community in each neighborhood by eating the bread of different pastors/clergy in the area.

what is the point of this? what do i really want to create? i want to create true community. i want to help people form lasting and meaningful friendships. i want people to experience the fullness and diversity of God. i want people to follow/experience Jesus, grow in relationship with one another, and reach out to the world in a way that is honestly life changing.

i have been going to church for years and it is the same ole thing no matter where i go. same bread, same idea, same ole same ole, even the new cutting edge stuff is just the same ole with a mohawk. variety is the spice of life and i am going to spice up the model of the church and see lives changed. so i guess i will be the head baker and traffic director; two things i love to do, feed people and tell them what to do and where to go (lol).

every place that has impacted Adriana and I has been as a result of the community of friends that we have developed, sometimes the bread was worth eating for a long time, other times it was not.

rough idea

so start a church, create little communities (journey groups) that will be eating out at different places (going to different churches), these journey groups will meet each week at someones house and talk, fellowship and discuss under the direction of the Traffic Controller.

these are just my preliminary thoughts; lets see where they take me

Day 15 of fast - beauty

2011-01-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

Today I feel His desire for me. I know He wants me. I know He calls to me. I know He is jealous over me. I feel His pull, His whisper, His passion, and His pursuit. I keep thinking about the fact that 2 Peter says that He has given us EVERYTHING for life and godliness. I just wish I could get to a place where that was enough; funny. So why do I want more than everything? Why isn't what He provided enough?

Lust. I allow lust to deprive me of understanding riches, fullness, beauty, wholeness and peace. I am not talking about the lust of just unbridled sexual desire or the craving we have for our neighbors toys, I'm also including whatever it is that makes EVERYTHING insufficient. I am not saying I never ask God for anything in prayer, cause I do. I am not saying that I think it is wrong to seek God for some of the things we really want in life. I think I am just advocating that above those things I seek, I desire Him above all and be indifferent to whether or not I get those things as long as I can have Him. God enjoys giving me stuff. He is a giving God. He enjoys lavishing me with gifts and things my heart desires and hasn't even thought of. But if I am to really enjoy Him and take pleasure in those things I must have Him first.

I have been sharing these thoughts with my wife; and she says it like this..."I know God likes me, He just does, and I like Him, so when I ask Him for something I don't feel like a beggar I feel pretty confident that He will give it to me".

My wife bought the magazine InTouch and on the cover was a picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The story was on their marriage. They had pictures of this beautiful place where they got married. As I looked at the pictures it dawned on me that the creation I see; the beauty, the wonder, the majesty, is what God is trying to create within me. I love to look at pictures of beautiful places, dream vacation spots, beaches, mountains, luxury cars and mansions. Beauty has an attractive force. It draws people in.

Paul said that Jesus is full of treasure and Peter said that God has given us precious promises. The beauty of God draws me in and then God begins to beautify me. Think about it both the physical tabernacle and temple were destroyed yet God turned us into that temple on the inside. What we see on the outside (in the world), many times, is a picture of what God wants to do on the inside. God wants to turn me into Tulluride, or Cabo, or the Caribbean. His work is to turn ashes into beauty. He calls us to value and desire patience, kindness, love, faith, knowledge and self control. He uses His word, His Spirit, and circumstances to beautify us.

I realize that I need to do that more for my wife. To be honest I have been a cheap skate most of my life. And my wife, who is really low maintenance in the sense of being thrifty and not spending much money on herself, has put up with me. I have neglected my duty as a husband to beautify her. There is so much I have not done for her it is shameful. God makes me feel good. He makes me beautiful. I have to do the same for my wonderful bride.

Physically: I did not lose any more weight, so that was awesome. My blood work came back from the Dr. and he said that all is well; cholesterol, liver and kidneys look good, just stay hydrated and come back in a couple of weeks for another round of tests. He said my weight loss would taper off, he wasn't concerned about the weight.

I do hope that God grants me the honor of being able to finish this fast and does not ask me to stop. There is just something profound about doing this that creates in me someone I like being.

I know I have posted this song before, but I just couldn't help myself, it is awesome.

Day 14 of fast - sacrifice

2011-01-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

Can my prayer be silent? Today I felt that way again. I went before God and I just sat there. I had nothing to say; not that I had nothing to say, I just couldn’t talk. I felt that everything I could say to Him was already contended for. I have nothing left over, no prayer, or hidden desire that He wasn’t already taking care of. I just sat in awe and love of Him. It is hard for me to do that because my theological mind says “ask, seek, knock” but my spirit says shut up and be a son, understanding He is your Papa, you don’t have to keep talking like a beggar.

Fasting is a sacrifice. Loving God requires sacrifice. Obeying God requires sacrifice. Why do I keep using that word, sacrifice. I think too many of us Christians want to obey God without pain/hurt/sacrifice. We say we will go where He leads, but at the end of that path must be a nice cozy house and extra cash to take my family out to eat. Our modern American idea of obedience is the common phrase, “where God leads God provides (emphases on provides)”. What is He, some sort of freakn ATM? We give to get. We bless to be blessed. We love to be loved. We serve to be served. We obey to receive honor and kudos. Why? Why isn’t just loving Him and saying yes to Him enough? Why can’t the result of my obedience be bankruptcy, illness, troubled relationships, pain, or heartache?

Paul’s obedience left him beat and stuffed in a dungeon. Jesus obedience led Him to a cross. So why do I insist and fight for something different? I think it is because somewhere in our woundedness we are scared. We are afraid that He really doesn’t love me like He says, that He really isn’t as big as we think He is, and He really doesn’t care like I think He should. We somehow equate pain to apathy on His behalf. So then we ask, what’s the point of suffering if all that be true; no one wants to suffer in vain and no one wants to make sacrifice if in the end it really doesn’t matter. We want our lives to count. We want to make a difference in the world around us. We want God to notice us. We are constantly calling out to Him, pick me, pick me, pick me.

The truth be told He already has. I bet He sits around scratching His head wondering what more can I do to show them that I love them. Or He yells in aggravation, can’t you see, don’t you hear, cant you feel – I created you in my image (you have my DNA), I sent Jesus my son to die for you so that I could adopt you as my special children. I engrafted you into the vine of Israel, you know the chosen ones. I came to live inside you when you believed on Jesus and cried out to Him for salvation. I gave you my written word, the Bible. If that were not enough, just go outside and look at my creation. I have done everything so stop equating disappointment with apathy and pain with absence. I’m the guy yelling from the street, I love you. I’m the guy at the baseball field getting down on one knee in front of the crowd for you. I’m the guy sending you flowers just because. I look at you and just smile. I think about you and my heart lights up. Life can be painful but I am the lover of your soul and you need me to journey.

Let pain and disappointment drive us into and not from the loving outstretched arms of Papa.

The feeling in my mouth is a constant reminder of this fast, it is dry (even though I am hydrated) and nasty.

Ending week 2.

Physically: I went to bed early last night, I think I fell asleep close to 9, I woke up at 2 wide awake hoping it was 5, it wasn’t. I did not get up. I woke up again at 4, but did not get up. I got up at 5:20 hoping that the extra sleep would keep my metabolism slowed down; but it didn’t work. Drinking fruit juice yesterday maybe the cause for my weight loss today, so I think I will try more vegetable juices.

Weight: 139.5 (don’t freak out, I know your freakn out, your thinking how can a 6ft tall dude weigh that much, its okay I will gain it back once the fast is over) I went to the Dr. to have some blood work done. We will see what comes about. He thought I looked pretty good for not eating for 14 days. To be honest I feel really good today. I do not know why, but no one would ever know that I was on a fast. I still feel a bit stoned, but not slow stoned; like a energetic buzz, its weird. I wish everyday on the fast was like this, it is incredible.

Day 13 of fast - silence

2011-01-13T03:42:00.000-08:00

I know we are told to pray and ask God for things but I just have a hard time doing it, not because I don't want to but because I feel my body is in constant prayer. It is an odd feeling. But I sit down and in silence I am screaming out, rejoicing, loving, praising, reflecting, everything before God, but I am silent. I close my eyes and my body just explodes before the Father, as if emitting incredible energy and light, it is a strange sensation.

I repented this morning, again, for the years that I thought God had bigger and better plans than to think, attend, or care for me. Its crazy but the Bible tells us that we are more valuable than birds and God knows everything about birds. But today I decided to believe God and I feel like the object of His affection. I feel like the joy of His heart.

In my mind and in my soul I am coming to grips with the fact that God enjoys me, He likes me and the only reason I ever thought different was because He didn't give me what I wanted when I wanted it (wow so freakn childish, I deserve a whooopin for that). But as I just sit here I know that without words I am praising, without words I am praying, without words I glorify God and He is just so freakn in love with me. I open my arms and here He comes full on assault bear hug; I am wasted in His embrace. No need to ask for anything, no petitions to make on my behalf. I possess everything, for I possess Him.

Physically: I feel pretty good. I went to bed around 10 and woke up at 345. I was a bit annoyed by it. I laid in bed for the next 30 min talking to God and hoping He would let me stay in bed and pray, you know cause it is the warm place. Then I told Him it was too early to get up and He said, I can sustain you, so I got up. Like I said on this fast there is a constant source of energy, not like huge energy but constant.

I drank water and juice today and sipped some broth (something I think Papa suggested I do). Dr assistant told me not to get the blood work done cause it would turn out weird so I am not going to see him tomorrow. I drank more juice than normal today, I really didnt like it, it was a fruit juice and it made me kind of jittery. I think I will not drink so much tomorrow.

I cooked dinner for the kids tonight and while I say I am doing good I realize how weak I really am, I feel like I could fall off the fast wagon at any moment and go for a burger and fries or at the bare minimum scarf down my kids food before it hits the table. I think this feeling is a constant reminder of my frailty. That is the word I am looking for; I feel frail when it comes to food. This fast is a constant reminder of that frailty and my need to look to God for help. It also reminds me that in other areas of temptation I am not strong. I tend to think that I am strong believer and when it comes to temptation I am pretty much exempt...but this fast is showing me that is not the case. God does not ask me to resist temptation, he says to flee it, run from it. I guess He realizes how frail and week I am also and just says, run away. That is an easy answer and one that I have applied in this fast. I have purposely not been around food and so eating has not been a big deal. Anyway

Day 12 of fast - awakened and stoned

2011-01-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

I think I am high. I mean like stoned. If you have ever been there you know what I am talking about. I haven't been stoned since high school but it is one of those feelings you don't tend to forget. Maybe its the fact that my body is eating itself and kicking off endorphins or the fact I am sleeping only 5-6 hours each night I am not sure. Maybe it is God. Something awoke in me last week that is pulsating through my body; and yes, i mean, literal energy. And it this thought; give up everything to be part of a community where the love of God seeps from those around. Hold back nothing to return to Jerusalem (that is spiritual metaphor talk). I have been in exile for so long and this week God told me my exile was over. And the freedom and joy that I now feel along with this fast are blissful. I don't care where it goes or how long it takes to get there I have tasted the fruit and eaten the honey and I am never turning back.

Physically. Okay so on Friday I am going to the Dr. to get some blood work done and have him look at me, not because I want to get off the fast but because I really want to see how the fast affects me from a medical standpoint. I feel good. When you hear people say they have energy on a fast that has not really been my case. I do not have burst of great energy. But I do admit I have a constant source of energy; definitely do not have the ups and downs. In fact I stay up later and wake up earlier because of it. I think my short term memory is weaker; so I feel a bit more absent minded. Have I mentioned that my mouth is always dry, its like I have cottonmouth, maybe another reason I feel high. No matter how much water I drink this cotton mouth feeling persists, it is annoying. I think I will increase my juice intake this week to see if that helps my weight. Most people would love to drop pounds like I do, I hear it all the time, but fat and me are enemies, it just hates my body.

Weight: 141 - yup that is 14 pounds in 12 days; "dont hate me cause im beautiful" Lol.

I know I hear the voice of God and if at any time He tells me to stop the fast I will, otherwise I am going for broke, 40 days baby.

I sang my heart out to God this morning on my way to work listening to this song...so crank it up

Day 11 of fast - a blurr

2011-01-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not sleeping as much and I am cranky. I am surprised that I actually feel pretty good during the day. At night I am beat, but sleep runs from me. I was busy all day just doing stuff. Stuff that just blurs together. I have no thoughts only a simple reflection.

Remember the lesson God taught me yesterday about perspective and how angry I get at times when my wife thinks bad things about me or accuses me of things that, what I consider to be completely out of character and how I hoped I could extend grace, patience and understanding to her the next time that I was placed in that situation?

Well not 10 minutes after I hit publish post my wife came to me with one of those things. In fact, it was something I had blown up about before but I guess was never extinguished in her heart. You want to know what it was? Well it turns out that about a year or so ago I was away at a conference. Through a series of strange events I ended up staying in this dorm with kids who were involved at the church where the conference was being held. I made friends with them and some of them befriended me on Facebook.

It turns out one of the girls posts something like, "it is not the same with you not being here." I didn't think anything of it, because honestly there was no reason to. However, my wife read that post and flipped (and in hindsight, rightfully so). But I got steaming mad. How could my wife think I would ever do anything inappropriate. I couldnt believe that she could think that about me. I love my wife more than anything and work hard to be pure, a man of integrity, and express my feelings with passion. So when she thinks that I could do something other than that it is a shot to the old self. I was offended and now angry at her.

Last night she was reminded of that event and came to ask me if anything had happened at the conference. Here I was fresh off getting loved on by Papa, forgiven and cleansed by the Holy Spirit, and it was my turn to empathize, extend patience, give her a new perspective and love on her. I passed the test. What Jesus had just given to me I was able to give to her.

In life we will be misunderstood, and events will not always be seen the same way by everyone but if we can extend grace, mercy and love to those around us Jesus will be glorified.

Physically: days are great, liquid is the same everyday, 2 glasses of juice and about 1 gallon of water. I put a heating pad in my bed last night to keep me warm, that was wonderful.

Weight: 142 - down 13 pounds.

No song today. I am tired and heading to nighty night land.

PS I know when I looked up to heaven last night, after my wife and I smooched and made up, that Jesus looked down and gave me a wink like saying "that a boy."

Day 10 of fast - perspective

2011-01-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

A friend of ours called my wife tonight and said that the Lord had been guiding her to pray for me. She said it was unusual because that does not normally happen to her. She shared some things with my wife and then hung up. As I began to pray tonight I thanked the Lord for Alex; that he would have her pray for me.

Then I began to think, why am I thankful? The first thought was, "well because I need all the prayer I can get because God is stingy and if He won't listen to me maybe if someone else is pestering Him He will listen to them." Wow. Come on, I can't be thinking things like that, but I did. Then God, as the gentleman He is, showed me a different perspective; I have her praying for you to help build forces in the heavens to fight and work on your behalf. I moved her so that she would fight for you on my behalf."

Wow. Can you say humble confession? I was so ashamed about my thoughts. Needless to say I repented and gave thanks and then God took it a step further. If there is an area that really, I mean really sets me off with my wife, it is when I think she thinks something bad about me. I go absolutely ballistic if I think she thinks I am a bad husband, bad provide, or have bad intentions. It's not pretty. I get offended and mad. Tonight I thought something that was not true of my Papa and instead of smacking me upside the head with guilt He gave me a new perspective and moved on. He wasn't offended, or mad, He was patient and kind. I think next time my self image is attacked I will do my best to offer kindness and new perspective.

Physically: I had water, some juice and Berry Green for breakfast. Then lots of water and some fruit juice for lunch, then water to finish off the day. I am drinking about 1 gallon of liquid each day. I lost a half pound, nothing big. I am tired. The nights are obviously harder. I have a hard time getting to sleep and again my body temp is a bit off. As we speak I have 4 shirts on and am still cold - I should fast in the summer, lol. Mentally I am good. I feel good, or rather I feel like I am fasting, it is like a fasting high. Fun.

Today is officially the longest fast I have ever done. I used to be a distance runner so I think about this fast in terms of laps grouped by 10, so I am 1 lap down and 3 to go.

I love this song, enjoy.

Day 9 of fast - ho hum sinner

2011-01-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty normal nothing day. I call em ho hum days. It is cold and rainy. We went to church, came home, and....not sure what happened really. Like I said it was just one of those days. I read some, then we cleaned and now it is time to get ready for tomorrow.

Simple thought: most of us dont really think of ourselves as sinners. I mean I don't. I look at the life I live and the way I treat people and I think I am a pretty good guy. I look at people who are the real sinners, you know, the adulterers, murderers, abusers, thieves, the ones that go to jail and stuff, but me when it comes to repentance and confession my mind is usually blank and my mouth closed. But the bible says that if I say I don't have sin then I am deceived and I do not live in the light and I do not have fellowship with my brothers.

But what if we look at sin from a relational standpoint. Crabb defines relational sin as "anything we do for the primary purpose of getting something for ourselves: it could be closing a business deal, winning a compliment, making ourselves happier, or relieving terror of aloneness by gaining someone's friendship or affection" As we do these things for ourselves we miss the goal which is to do all things for the glory of God.

Now when I read that definition of sin, my mind goes into overload, my heart cries for the Savior, my soul longs for the freedom and power of the Spirit and my body needs the energy that only God can provide. I cannot have self running and ruling my life. I need to be God obsessed and not self obsessed. Finally a light that shines and exposes me for me. Only the Holy Spirit can show us our true need for His life in us and the depth of how riddled with self we truly are. The glory in being awakened to me is that He comes and cleanses, frees me, and gives me power to overcome.

I always wondered how Paul could say at the end of his fantastic ministry that he was the chief sinner; now I know. He saw self's power evicting Christ, murdering love, and desiring glory. It must be so for us also. Let's not hid behind our self imposed piousness but rather embrace the death of self through confession, humility, and love. Glory to God who has set us free from our self and flooded our life with His Self.

Physically: I feel good today. I didn't drink as much water as I should have so I am not wonderful tonight, but overall it was a pretty good day. I will stop boring you with details of food temptation and the fight to not eat cause were it a "greater" temptation I probably wouldn't even tell you. Just know that fasting is NOT easy. My body is constantly reminding me about food. But what should I expect, I haven't eaten in 9 days.

Weight: 143 - still losing weight (12 pounds). My wife can now tell a difference, the small little pot belly I was growing is totally gone (I'm as flat as a board) and my size 32 pants easily fit again. Oh well...I also knew this would take place. Just in case anyone was wondering, cause I know I would be, what about going to the restroom when you're on a fast? I will make it easy for you, I never have to sit, I'm always standing and I stand alot. Part of going on a fast does involve a physical cleanse and if you Google fasting and cleansing health benefits you will find tons of info out there. There is detoxing involved and some people do colon cleanses with colonics but I haven't. Body temperature is low and my mood is calm. I feel very calm, its almost as if without the food fueling the emotions they are very tempered.

References: Crabb, L. (2007). The papa prayer: The prayer you've never prayed. Thomas Nelson.

Day 8 of fast - three fries and Jesus

2011-01-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

I made it through day 8, I am beat now, it is late and I just got home. I will fill out more info about this day later. But I made it and that is most important.

Ok, back...
So last night (day 7) I was just hammered and really wanted to quite. The day before my wife had sprayed Febreeze around the house because she wasn't feeling good and wanted to smell something nice. I hate the smell of Febreeze, in fact I am not a fan of really any scents, but I thought when she cooked the smell would go away, well she grilled outside so the wonderful smell of greasy hamburgers didn't fill up the house to cover the smell. So I told her, you know I like the smell when you cook, so go ahead and feel free to cook what you want I will be okay. Famous last words. Well she decided on day 7 to cook chicken Milanese and home made french fries, I mean that is like my favorite meal. I come down stairs and there is this heaping pile of fresh fries just staring me down. I couldn't believe it I was being tortured, the only thing to do was to flee. But before I did I bit a frie; literally bit it and took it out of my mouth and then ran upstairs to hide.

After her and the girls get done with dinner I come down to do devotional and there are the remaining fries sitting on a plate and I was just drawn to them like a mosquito to light. Well the next thing I know my wife grabs the plate and slings the fries with the paper towel they were on into the trash can. And there they sat, in the trashcan but still within reach. And I did what any desperate weak man in my position would have done I grabbed one and ate it, then I grabbed another and another. And my poor wife makes the comment, "Dad is eating out of the trashcan." LOL. That was it, 3 fries or so and then I stopped regained my composure and made some juice. I decided I had not fallen so far that I would stop fasting, but boy was day 7 a killer. I think the fact that I had not had the juice was a major issue.

Having learned from day 7 then, I decided to add back the OJ in the morning with the Berry Green and then make sure to drink juice at lunch even if I dont feel like it. Today I did that. We went to the mall to do some post Christmas shopping and I felt great. Took the kids to the House of Pain, I mean the Food Court, where I got an apple juice and they got the best tasting fast food on the planet. My wife had some decadent quiche and salad. But no matter how much I wanted to eat, I knew that me eating had nothing to do with urgent hunger, it had to do with want. So I just watched. I honestly felt great all day, the first time since being on this fast that I really did feel okay and that my abstaining from food was an act of the will and not an act of self destruction.

Another topic: I drive a 2001 Neon. It has 168k miles on it. I have had it for 10 years. I always joked with myself that I would drive this car into the Ferrari dealer and turn it in for a Ferrari Scuderia. I have never had any intention of selling the car or getting another one, in fact I figured I would just drive it into the ground. But last week while driving to work, God told me to get another car. It was as clear as I know the voice of God. I was rather shocked to be honest. Because we are just about to finish paying of the minivan and I thought I would be great not to have a car payment. But I figured God knows best. I didnt want to spend alot of money on a car. I am at a stage where a car is just to get me from A to B and back. So I have been eying the Hyundai Sonota, it has great ratings and it is very affordable. I find the car I want online, its listed at 14k and its red, no bells and whistles just a 2010 used Sonata. I call the dealer up, which happens to be like 45 min away and I talk to the sales guy. I say, "look before I huff it out there I want to be sure the car is there." So the salesman says let me check, comes back to me and assures me that the car is in the lot; he was certain as white is on rice that the car was there. So I head to the dealer. I meet my sales guy, Jeremy, and he hands me the key and says, I wrapping something up with a client, just go out into the lot and turn left and there it is. So I go out into the lot, turn left and no red Sonata. I couldn't believe it. Another sales guy comes over, seeing as I am lost and wandering through the lot and tells me the car has been sent to another dealer. I walk inside obviously a bit ticked and tell Jeremy the car is not here. He didn't know where to hide from the shame. He said that he was certain the car was there, I mean why would you have a key with no car? The next words out of his mouth, I am going to make you a great deal. So I decided to stay and see what he had. I had a price point, I figured that with my Neon turn in and a little haggling I could get a car for about 12500, that was my number.

Now to the spiritual part. I learned something via experience about God today. What I mean is that I didn't read it in a book or think it to be, I lived it. Now what I am about to say should come as no surprise, but I it when he acts on what He does. God reads minds.

There has been only 1 other occasion, that I really really remember, not that it hasn't happened a thousand times, but Im talking about strong memories, where God read my mind and pulled off that event. The first was in Michigan, I was at a conference and we had gone to get lunch and while ordering I thought I would like a Mocha, but I had no intention of getting one, I just wanted one and the next thing I knew when I went to place my order the girl at the counter handed me a Mocha, to which I replied I didn't order that, and she looked around trying to find the person who did with no success and said okay but do you want it. Lol. Freaky.

Now back to the car story. In my mind I really wanted a car with all the bells and whistles; leather heated seats, sunroof, multi cd player, etc, but I wasn't going to spend money on something like. But when the car I went to buy wasnt on the lot I knew God was up to something. And sure enough the other cars that Jeremy was willing to give me a deal on were Limited edition Sonatas. I wont go into the haggeling story of how we came to agree on price, but I drove out in an 06 Limited Sonata that had only 6k miles (1 owner who drove it to church and bingo) on it for 14k (yes that is price after TTL).

So what is the point of all this rambling; even after a three frie fall God doesn't discard us and He is so close and so real that our thoughts are ever present before Him; God answers even the unprayed prayer. He knows you now.

Day 7 of fast - just beat

2011-01-07T03:48:00.000-08:00

Humility comes after acquisition. When I know who I am I do not need others to define me for I am. Knowing truth then allows me to be humble. John 13 says that Jesus "knew"; He had an understanding of where He came from and where He was going so he took up the towel. Humility is hard for me, either because I do not know or I choose to ignore God's truth about who He is and what He does.

It is funny I have been a Christian for so long and yet I still wonder who He is. The sermons I hear are punctuated by Christian capitalism, you know the sermons that talk about becoming a better more successful person, the ones that give you the 3 steps to a better life but do very little to give you revelation about God. I mean we all have these pictures of who we think God is. Some see Him as a an old guy with a beard, others like a clockmaker who started the hands a ticking and took off, others an angry God with fire coming from His eyes, others a loving grampa type...the point is when I say God something pops up in my mind and I have to tell you it usually isnt truth.

Today I could not do humility, I was mad and disappointed at the way things are going, so I was just quiet. Today I saw God taking His time to come and help me; but that is not who He is. He doesn't push me to the brink of breaking only to say see you should have trusted me; God loves me and I am going to find rest in that love. Now I am sure we can find some instances in the Bible where it seemed like He was pushing people to dare Him, but I think we see that based on what we want to see about God and do not properly fit things into the perspective of who He really is.

Each day I am asking God to share something about Himself, I want to know Him like I know my wife or kids or friends. He is the most relevant person there is and I can hardly describe Him. God likes scents. He enjoys aromas. There are smells that are pleasing to Him. God gave me a nose and there are certain scents that I love. Now on this fast, I love the smell of food, even Taco Bell. I am made in the image of God and the senses that He gave me, He also has. Prayer is like incense, a pleasing aroma to God and so are my acts of worship. My mind is a bit shot now. And all that will help is pizza, hamburgers, fries, and ranch dressing...or Jesus; I think I will take the later.

Physically: I am exhausted. I just want to fuel up. Early this morning I felt good, I got up around 440 or so and got to spend some time worshiping and fellowshipping with Papa. I had some water and some Berry Green for breakfast and decided not to juice. I think that was a mistake because today I am beat. I have to say today I began to doubt whether or not I can really do 40 days. I am weak, my muscles twitch, I have random aches, and my breath stinks. If I can make it through today we will see how tomorrow goes. One day at a time.
Weight: 144 - ive lost 11 pounds in 7 days...

Spiritually I really want to continue on this fast but I just do not know if I can.
I have posted this song before I think, but I really enjoyed it this morning

Day 6 of fast - wash em

2011-01-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say that I understand why Jesus picked up a towel and grabbed a water bowl and washed the feet of those men at dinner, but I don't. John calls it the "extent of love". I was asked to do something today for someone I really did not want to do; it was an act of kindness and service. What I wanted to do was take a frying pan to their head and spit in their face, not do them a favor. Yuck. The whole time I was doing this favor I just was observing my inner evil rally. This is not the life of Christ, this is not the basin and the towel. Even though no one saw my rebellion, I did and so did Papa (not that it surprised Him). So I read this passage in John 13 and I just wonder if this was the one moment the disciples remembered more than any other; more than any miracle, or more than any words. When they were out living life and wanted to take a frying pan to someones head, called to love like Jesus, I wonder if this wasn't the most impactful moment in their life with the Savior. Why? Because what Jesus did for them is what love does, it breaks us. Love breaks a stubborn and prideful heart. Love conquers all aspirations of greatness and reduces us to simple creatures.

God washing my feet, what? No. No. No. He can't do that. He must not do that, it changes everything. It changes every lofty goal, every mountaintop desire; I can't get ahead washing feet. I cant keep self promoting, pushing propped up greatness; like what a great dad, husband and person I am and how everyone should follow in my footsteps if I have to wash their feet. Self can't succeed. What will they think? What will it do to Self? What other act in the New Testament so clearly redefines life and relationships than this one? God washed my feet, and my heart sank in recognition of how selfish, cold, and cruel it is. I have tried to not use the H word here, but the truth is love is a bold em-brazened act of humility. This one act, the one He says, "you should do as I have done for you" will make you change the way you relate to others, it must.

I like John's phrase the "extent of love". What is this love that he means? I think it goes back to the truth that Jesus came to set us free from the bondage of sin and self and this one act really seals the deal. Self cannot survive when Jesus comes to wash your feet. It is a crushing blow to anything in our lives that will try to rear its head against the life of Christ living in us. Yet He comes because He loves us, He likes us, and He frees us.

So take a deep breath, and let Him wash your feet and go do the same. Acts that break us break those around us as well. Have you ever noticed that; when you purposefully humble yourself or break Self that those around you for whom Self was broken are also broken by love. Only God can cause good to come from breaking. Let us break ourselves in response to His great love.

Physically - I didnt wake up early this morning, so I was kind of bummed out. I had a hard time falling asleep last night mainly because I could not get warm, my body temperature was going crazy. Got up and had some water and more water and as decided the Berry Green without the OJ, just mixed it with more water. I then juiced some veggies and packed them away. I felt good at work today. I drank nearly 80 ounces of water there and had 16 ounces of my veggie drink, which I really didn't need. As the afternoon progressed and after I got home I was tired. The afternoons and evenings are so hard. I really just want to come home to some yummy comfort food and snacks and sit down and relax, but that just doesnt happen. I feel like crap. I must say, I am hungry now, tired but I can't sleep because I feel bad, and I have the pain in the top right of my skull that just won't go away. Yes, this is the fasting feeling. I keep telling myself make it through the day, that is all you have to do, just make it to bed and tomorrow will be another day, a fresh start.

Weight: 146.8 - dropped some more weight but oh well.

Spiritually there is more to say, but my fingers are tired and I need to go have devotional with my girls. PS. Get the Papa Prayer, it will change your prayer life.

Day 5 of fast - in darkness

2011-01-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 3:35 and thought it was too early to get up and meet with God, so I laid in bed drifting in and out of prayers till 4:45 when I grabbed the phone and realized that I missed my appointment with Papa again, but even though I was late I decided to show up and meet with Him, even it was just for a quick coffee (or in this case a glass of water). I sat down about 5:15 and wanted to meet with Him in silence. But that didn't really work. I mean have you ever just wanted to be quiet and have your mind focused on Papa? I really wanted too, but I just couldn't do it alone. So I went to YouTube, my favorite worship channel, and said to myself, "self, what do you need?" Misty Edwards. So I created a queue and just worshiped in song to my Papa.

It was wonderful and in the midst of just singing to Him He shared something about Himself that I had never known; God dwells in darkness (that also means bad evil situations). My Papa dwells in my darkness. Think about the consequences of that. I did as tears dropped from my face onto the table. When I am confused, or hurt, when I feel alone or sad, when I think that life sucks and can't get any better; when I have failed and continue to fail; when I look up and see nothing and hear nothing; when heaven is closed; when pain is all around the fullness of who He is is THERE. ALL of God in my darkest time.

"if I make my bed in the depths you are there...Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you..." Psalm 139

Let faith arise, Papa is ALWAYS fully with me. I do not have to feel it. I can believe it. Why is this such a big deal? Because I have always had periods of ups and downs, where I am experiencing God with God power and presence one day and the next I feel lost. But oh let me embrace lost and confused for I have found God. Even the valley of the shadow of death He IS WITH me. I so needed Him to tell me that today. I am so tired of living this consumerism Christian life; one void of full out surrender and faith.

Physically: Okay on with the fast. I was very thirsty this morning when I woke up a 330, so I had some water. Then after I really got up I had the Berry Green with about 4 ounces of orange juice, I think I will replace the juice with water tomorrow. Then through out the day I had water (at least 1 gallon of purified water) and around lunch had my 12 ounces of carrot/apple juice that I made before going to work. I have the juicing down to about 10 min from start to finish of getting the juice made; which really just involves cleaning the carrots, cutting the ends off, juicing them and cleaning the machine. I think I will try to stop the juice this weekend and see how I feel. I think I will be okay, but don't want to try it during the week just in case I have some freak out at work. Work was good. I was of sound mind even though I argued with a coworker. I hate doing that; I am going to talk to Papa about what is going on with me to get to the bottom of it.

Hungry? Yes, I feel hungry. Again it is the low grade suffering that lasts all day. I never not know that I am on a fast or that this is an act of worship. Which was a comforting thought; that even though I may not get to read or pray as much as I want the fast itself is a constant act of worship, now that is cool. I used to think that I would fast so that I would have more time with God (like instead of eating lunch or dinner I would pray or read), which on occasion does happen, but to realize that this is like prayer 24/7 got me really excited.

Weight: 148.6 - the same as yesterday, yee haw. I was glad I didnt drop more weight cause I still like my cloths to fit.

I feel calm. The fast is a calming experience. A neighbor asked if my temper was shorter or if I was on edge and the reality is just the opposite, I feel more in control and less bothered by events like today when the brake shop wouldn't honor their warranty or when my prescription wasn't at the right store, or when someone called saying I owed them money (which I did, so I paid them). Funny how things that used to set me off just are not as big a deal, which is why I am so perplexed about my argument this morning.

Spiritually - well you just read it. God is closer than you think; He holds it all together

Day 4 of fast - follow Jesus

2011-01-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

I always want God to make me feel good. In fact, I always want something from Him, today that bothers me. When I sing to Him, I want to feel His presence. When I go to church and listen to a message I want it to bring conviction. When I tithe I want it to come back as a blessing. Gimme, gimmie, gimmie. How about I just obey and love Him with hands that embrace Him instead of being held out begging for a coin. That is how I feel, I feel like a beggar before God without realizing I am His son. How about offering myself up as a sacrifice to Him; giving Him everything, costing me everything, without expectation. I share my faith if it is convenient. I love when I feel like it. I follow Him only if I think the place is a good place to be. I follow God under the conditions of comfort, cash, convenience, and compromise. Here is my problem, I dont want to sacrifice. I want God to work within my world, within my parameters, under my guidance. Scenes flood my mind of when I have acted this way, when I have refused the prompting of Holy Spirit to do something or even my own thoughts to do good and have not. Foolish child. Forgive me Father. I will offer up a sacrifice to You. I think I need to stop expecting and start following.

Physically: I feel pretty good today. I still want to eat, but I do not think I am freaking out hungry. My nose can smell these wonder aromas in the air at lunch and dinner and wow it makes my mouth water. Last night I did run 2 miles, it help drive the migraine away, that was really good. I sleep pretty good. I didnt get up early because when I did wake up it was like 3 am and 3am is just too early for me to get up and pray. I dont mind getting up at 345 or 4 but not 3. The next thing I know it is 5 and the alarm is going off. I feel my body temperature is better. I do not feel as cold today. So I drank over 100 ounces of water, at least 12 ounces of carrot juice and some of this Berry Green powder this morning. I am having the powder and juice for at least the first 10 days and then will see how I feel. I want to make sure that I am of sound mind at work. I have not cheated, no snaking, no sampling, no watching food network, or even thinking about food, and my wife is being great by making dinner for the girls while I go and pray. So I am getting lots of support at home, which I know is helping out.

Weight: 146.5 and dropping fast.

Spiritually: I know that this fast is a spiritual sacrifice. I am excited about getting closer to God. I asked Him what He wanted to teach me in during this time and He said He was going to give me a few lessons on humility. Humm, I wonder what that will look like? I talked to a friend who has done a 40 day water fast and he said that as the fast progressed for him he had an increasing better experience with God and he said it lasted for months even after the fast was over.

I need to take the fast one day at a time. Each day seems really long. I think it is the physical stain of the fast that seems to slow time, but it really isnt flying by. I am sure that when it is over I will think otherwise. But when I reflect on how I feel verses how long I have been going, Im like ohhh come on. So here it is the close of Day 4, I made it. Good job.

Day 3 - morning was good

2011-01-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

I was cold last night, hard to get to sleep. But got up this morning, not as early as I would have liked and made some carrot juice to take to work. I felt reasonably well today at work. Nothing crazy. No one even noticed I didnt eat lunch. Considering there are four of us in the office and we all eat at our long desk at the same time, I was surprised I didnt catch any grief. But it went unnoticed, I wonder how long that will go on. By mid afternoon I was starting to catch a mild headache, one that I still have. I havent read the Bible yet today or really spent time with God; this is not the way I had envisioned this. I had really thought this fast would be spent with countless hours in prayer and worship, but so far today I really am not up to that.

Physically I feel like I am fasting not better and not worse than yesterday; I still want to eat. I drank plenty of water and had some digestive tea last night (smooth move - yes that is the name of it). I have a mild headache that will probably be gone by tomorrow, at least I hope it will be. I may go for a short light run if the pain starts to increase. I notice that running is something that will momentarily kill my migraines.

Weight - 148 (I know I have dropped like 7 pounds in 3 days, but I expect that to stop; I think my weight will drop down to 130 area before the fast is over; which is what I was weighing in high school when I was a distance runner. What can I say, Im skinny.)

Spiritually - Today I realized what an immature Christian I am. I have small children and when they want something they start to whine and complain and at times throw tantrums. Of course, as a good father, I either discipline them or give them what they want...lol. I know, so inconsistent, but then again arent we all. As I began to think about how I come to God in prayer, I realize that I am the same way. Granted I think my requests are valid and worthy to be answered: prayers like the salvation of someone, the growth of my ministry, a house where we can live and start a church one day, even good kids. And if God dares to hesitate, like He has been doing, I get mad, and throw a fit. My expectations are shattered and I doubt and throw that verse in His face, you know, the one that says, I will give you the desires of your heart, or wait the other one in John where he says that if we ask anything in His name He will give it to us. I pray in Jesus name, so why don't I get what I want? Humm, I guess therein lies the answer, I'm a spoiled prayer brat. The truth of the matter is I have probably whined enough and gotten just enough of what He really didn't want to give me simply because I was throwing a fit. I asked Him to forgive my rages. Time to grow up.

He has paid my sin debt, why must He do anything else or I insist that He does?

Day 2 - becoming friends

2011-01-02T14:35:00.001-08:00

I don't know if this is an excuse or what, but I am a skinny guy and this fast is not easy. Maybe it is a misconception but I think that bigger guys, ie fatter guys can take on a fast without as much suffering. This is hard. I want to eat. I have mainly had water these past two days. I wish I could have a cheese burger. But that is not possible. My wife asked me how I felt, I told her I felt like I was fasting; hungry, cold, a nawing sensation in my stomach. This feeling doesnt go away. It is a constant reminder, hey you're fasting. Oh well, enough bellyaching. The morning is easier than the afternoon and evening. I am layering up on clothing to stay warm. I think the added water intake, which is cooling my body and the lack of food which means my body isnt working to digest anything are keeping me cooler than normal. No headaches today. I do feel the need to read and think more. Today I am becoming friends with the effects of this fast, knowing they will be with me for 38 more days; maybe I will just call him FS (fasting sensation), welcome FS to my life.

Weight: 151

Reading the Papa Prayer is very good. Crabb is addressing things that I have long been contemplating. He is very blunt about our failures in praying and why prayer is not answered. I think it is needed wake up call to the dull lifeless and self centered prayers that most of us a Christians profess.

Spiritually - I realize that God seems far off, aloof, almost not caring. Wow, hows that for an accusation. Then the Spirit gently tells me that it is because I am constantly demanding things from God instead of sitting down to relate and get to know Him. While my prayers are good, they are capricious and self centered. I want to feel God. I want to experience Him, why? Because I want something from Him, it is not enough to think He is God and He is good. It is not enough to sit with Him in solitude and communion without getting something from Him. Do I always have to feel Him close? Why can't I just know that He is here, all of God is here right now, whether I feel it or not. I am so tired of me expecting God to do something for me in order for me to believe or stay faithful, and I am sure He is also.

God forgive me for my incessant want and selfish longings. You are beautiful. Your splendor consumes me and I am here to believe You and to abide in You.

a ride

2011-01-02T05:28:00.000-08:00

God you enable my life. You even give me the life I want to live. Im sorry. How selfish and unkind to you is that? My life is not my own. Jesus paid the price for my sin. He bought me with His blood and now I am free. I have not submitted my life to you. I pray for things I want as if you were some vending machine; I pop in a prayer you spit out an answer, that seems so pretentious. Forgive me for my foolish ways. I know that you are great and mighty and that my heartache is the result of the desire of my will to be done. In Christ there is no want; there is no fear.

*Come take a ride with me, ponder with me the reality of life. I care for you like my own child. I have spared nothing to ensure that you are mine. You see the hills, I own them. You see the buildings I built them. You see smiles I created them. I am here, a simple voice, one that you can hear. If it is confusing it is because you complicate it. I own all the roads. I am not afraid of choices. I own the exits and the forks in the road. You think you can really stray from Me. You go to the depths I am there. You think you stray because you ignore me; but I have not left you. I have not forgotten you and you have not run so far that I cannot follow. Surrender is the way back to your hearts desire. You do not push because you want to see me work; then have faith that I will. Love people and share Jesus with them. Life is simply lived by faith. What is your faith? It is not about rules, it is simply faith an unbound belief that I AM. Why do some blow, others way their hands, others say touch and you see my Spirit move? Because they have faith in that. Eric let it be done according to your faith. Without faith it is impossible to please me. You read the word, do not imitate the acts; that is witchcraft, imitate the heart, the faith, that said God can do it.

Day 1 - Starting the fast with guns blazin

2011-01-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

Thought:

Encouragement breeds faith. By speaking encouraging words to myself and others I can inspire faith and with faith nothing becomes impossible. Encouragement identifies someone through the eyes of redemption not in the light of sin. It is easy to see the effects of sin in someones life; if I can see it then I know that person can also see it. Who doesn't know their faults and shortcomings? Who doesn't spend time bathing in regret and what could have been and self pity? But God comes along and sees beyond the natural. He sees that water is firm and can be walked upon, that 5 loaves will feed 5000, that who we are even in our brokenness is plenty for this wonderful Saviour. My prayer today is that God would allow me to see the wonder of His miracles in the lives of those weighed down with the burden and trappings of sin and that through encouraging words they would find water firm and faith would spring forth in the desert of their hearts so that they may walk in newness. Oh it is so easy to see the darkness and identify people based on their sin and not on the mark of God in their life. Everyone is marked with God, His image is everywhere; man - created in the image of God and then malled by evil. Do you see it? Do I see it? Christ everywhere even in the depths of darkness still needs a cold cup of water.

Day 1:

Physically -

Well today is the first day of my fast and I feel great; well that is to be expected :). I did have some carrot juice yesterday for lunch, then came home and just had to taste this new pizza my wife bought, yumm. Last night for new year I was good. No sugars which is the big deal for me. I hope that this weekend will allow me to start to get ready so that on Monday when I have to get to work I will be able to function at a high level. I have sabotaged my fasts in the past by reading cook books and doing cooking for the family - not that I would eat but it did not help me stay strong and I usually bailed on the fast early. This time I will not commit that mistake, no cooking or watching food network. I also have had this need to chew on stuff and would often chew on breath mints, but I wont be doing that anymore. If I need to chew it will be on ice, good ole frozen water. I hope that from a physical standpoint I can see some healing in my body, increase my energy level and gain a serious step up in self discipline (something I think I am lacking right now).

Weight: 155

At the end of the day I felt good. I mean I didnt have any headaches or crazy detox symptoms, I was just hungry. I am going to call it the feelings of fasting. The truth is I am hungry, cold, and just wanting to chew something. I do not expect it to go away. So I am going to give it a name, this name will at least help me learn to live with these feelings that accompany this task. I spent some good time in prayer today and reading.

Spiritually -

I am going to be memorizing lots of Scripture, hopefully, the only thing that could mess that up is that I am taking an equivalent of an 18 hour load of college classes starting on Jan 17, so that may impede my ability to really memorize like I would like. But the idea is that each morning on my way to work I can knock out a few verses. I am starting with Philemon. I am going to memorize small books and build up to the bigger ones in the NIV version. I will also be reading this book Papa Prayer by Larry Crabb that a friend, who is also fasting, recommended. Then I will be reading the Bible.

As I review the year, I was able to lead only 3 people to Christ, that needs to change. I hope that this fast will draw me into the heart of the Father that I may experience Him at a new level and as a result share Him with greater love and passion than I have before. I know that good things will happen. I also know that it will not be an easy path. Fasting is hard. I anticipate it to be hard, very hard. But I am confident that good things will come as a result.

God give me strength and resolve to push through one day at a time.

40 day fast - preparation

2010-12-30T04:54:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to do an extended fast, but I never have. This year I am going to do it. I have already told my family and am getting ready this week. Fast will start on Jan 1. It will be a juice and water fast. The objective is to seek God and grow in my walk with Him. At times when I have done shorter fasts I have not really focused on meeting with God, they were more for health reasons. This time I am going to meet with God.

From a physical standpoint I stopped eating sugars, caffeine and meat this week; and I am already feeling the effects of withdrawal and a bit of detox. But I figure I need to get a start on it.

On another note, I started to do family devotionals after dinner. Each night after dinner, I grab the guitar, the kids pick a song and we sing. Then I open the Bible and we each read some versus out of a chapter. Then we read a devotional and pray. It doesn't take very long but it is going to become a great habit.

a Name

2010-12-26T12:41:00.001-08:00

in poverty, in excess, in bankruptcy, in fullness, in lack, in wealth, God cannot be anymore or any less Jehovah Jirah - God provider. for the longest time i have prayed and sought and requested God to be something He is not nor can be a God who WILL provide. but He is not someone who will provide, He does provide and is providing - my life, currently is the fullness of this miracle, a life full of provision, always provision, never lacking, never.

my prayer should be God give me eyes to see and a heart that understands your ever present and never changing truth.

wedge

2010-12-24T07:28:00.000-08:00

I was asking God, or rather contemplating my service and usefulness to Him. i have to say that i am so full of fear these days, it is awkward. then i started to remember what i have done in the past and the results of my effort and He spoke this to me; He gave me a picture then spoke to my heart...

*you are a wedge, strong and built for conflict, a tool in my hand. you have been designed to split, to cause change, permanent everlasting change. i will take you and beat you hard, in the face of adversity, of stubbornness, of darkness, and of foolishness to cause people to make a decision. they will either be better or worse, but they will decide. i have given you wisdom and you hear my voice so that you can, when laid against stone and wood, be strong. you may be afraid but let me strike you.

blood

2010-12-22T03:15:00.001-08:00

God warns in the OT not to drink or eat the blood of animals, because life is found in the blood. Jesus comes along and says, drink my blood. the OT is dirty; sacrifices mean the slaughter of animals, burning of flesh, the dipping and sprinkling of blood everywhere. blood was everywhere. in the NT Jesus side was pierced and blood and water flowed out so that we could be washed and renewed. i am preserved because God sees me bathed in blood and consuming blood- the blood of Jesus. life shields me from wrath, life fills me for newness.

I walk with God through blood. I have life, hope, faith, and love through blood. At the entrance of the temple was death, constant death. I come to God through the death (the mystery of love) of Jesus and I am not consumed. Thank you merciful and good God. Thank you.

overflowing mercy

2010-12-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

for this sinner to come to Him; for this offensive mind to think of Him; for this unrepentant heart to house Him; for this mouth to curse and be filled with praise; for eyes that see evil and are allowed to view Him; for ears that receive offense and hear His voice - oh what great MERCY that has fallen on me, that covers me, that fills me, that enables this offensive dust to know You, to challenge you, to confront you, to receive you, to be loved by you, what a great paradox; God dwelling in dust and dust that refuses to bow. here i am filled with GOD, filled with GOD, filled with GOD. it has to be criminal but it is not, it is MERCY. breath in, breath out, MERCY.

envy and fear

2010-12-10T04:16:00.000-08:00

i see younger guys in ministry. i see my old school mates in ministry. i see me, far far away. i hear their stories and envy. i see God in and through them and envy. i dont know how i got here; i mean i can retrace the steps, but i dont know how my heart ended up here from where it way at 18 riding downtown with sandwiches in my backpack to feed the homeless. i am perplexed. i am wasted with confusion, envy, fear, and desire. maybe i am just scared. i am scared that God has forgotten me, that He has found bigger and better, that He looked at me and said, you had your chance. i am scared that the longer i persist down this path the further away i get. i am scared that He has given up on me. but something inside gives me rest, even as i write this, there is something fighting for me, combating in me and is on my side.

*Peace, rejoice in my work, rejoice in who i work through, rejoice in their heart and love for me, this is them giving all they are for me, sacrificing their lives for the desire of their heart. they have not held back, they push forward with the same weaknesses that beset us all. you are too. you are you. give thanks for them. relax. i can do in a second what you can never do in a lifetime. you are on the path, enjoy it. i know that you give yourself fully to the cause, but do so patiently, methodically, pacing yourself. you run too fast and fail to think. go slow, work methodically, pray, and trust me. have faith, maintain your vision, rejoice in hope. build wisely. you see things, they will take place.

the gap

2010-12-06T03:44:00.000-08:00

defined - my beliefs define who i am, for what i believe escapes for others to see. can it be any other way? am i only defined through trial? is who i really am at my greatest point only seen in depths of despair? is the valley of the shadow of death my only mirror, the only true compass, the only light strong enough to reveal the depth of darkness in me? cause i have to tell you i stumble around like a mad drunk, un-convicted of anything, willing to sacrifice nothing, holding onto fables, convinced that here is home and this is where i shall dwell. it would be one thing if others knew me otherwise; but they dont. they see nothing worthy of praise, nothing that brings joy, no love, no light. im to be pitied most, for who i think i am and who i desire to be, i am not. the gap between us is an unfortunate and heavy burden, one that cannot be forsaken.

*i stand in the gap. i rescue, i save, i defeat, i make known, i am.

i feel mocked constantly for my faith. i feel ridiculed for seeking you. i am constantly reminded about my failures. any act of kindness to others is met with bitterness and anger. in my desire and aspiration to do good i have failed. instead of helping, i have hurt, instead of building i have torn down - and now the fruit of my labor is rancid and i feast on its disgust.

*i resurrect, i create streams in the desert.

i know you do, but my cracked and bleeding lips doubt - alleviate their doubt.

torn

2010-11-27T09:00:00.001-08:00

the path is full of thorns and thistles, paved with anguish and despair, lit by fleeing hope, fueled by fear, and prodded by acquisition - it is the path of self, it is the call of death. yet the cross stands wholly, fully, firmly offering grace, strength, hope, redemption, forgiveness, and life. go soul, go. run and kneel, find your rest in the shadow of death. it is okay. be consumed, be overwhelmed, be thirsty. He is God, dead, alive, walking among us, living in us, mysterious, incomprehensible, yes, revealing, relating, revolting, known, beheld, betrayed-love calls, love waits - how dare I look, think, ponder, grasp, wait, or desire Him, but I must; the all consuming fire calls.

Daddy

Consuming Fire

Daddy

Justice

Daddy

Righteous

Daddy

All powerful

Daddy

Creator

Daddy

Pain

Daddy

All knowing

Daddy

Cross

Daddy

Vengeance

Daddy

as soon as i unplug, self will mount itself back on the chariot of my life and go forth destroying those around me; those for whom Jesus shed His blood. self has no friends, no fear, no allies. i feed him. oh God, oh Daddy, i dont want to leave, i dont want to unplug; let me kneel at your feet, cling to your cross, contemplate your death, you love, your life, your glory, your goodness; i dont want to leave - like a child torn from their parent, tears flow, anger rages, hopelessness sets in, no, no, no.

love - a continuation of fellowship, of hospitality, of joy, of smiles, of embracing, of the cross, of self dying, of kneeling, of submission, of healing, of Him with me, through me, and in me.

read the bible

2010-11-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

I finished reading the Bible. I had always thought I would read the Bible each year that I was a Christian. Well, that stopped about 10 years ago. However, recently I have been compelled to read again. I found an online program that helps me (spreeder.com). So I just finished reading the bible, 1 down 9 more to catch up on. The idea is to read it 1 time every 2 months. Lets see if I can do it, with school, work and family it will be a challenge.

Divine Romance

2010-11-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

Dust dared to breath Him
Thoughts dared to mold Him
Heart dared to contain Him
Voice dared to praise Him
But He is mine forever

Song by Phil Whickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

drawn

2010-11-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

cant it be just so simple...drawn. I am drawn to Him. He draws me to Him. He pulls me, compels me, drugs me, and forces me. I can't get enough. I am enticed, pushed, and shaken. I wake up and need Him. I fall asleep thinking of Him. I go through my day hungry for him. He must be mine. He must. He must. I must find satisfaction. I must have Him. I do not know why, but I can tell you that all I long for, my being yearns for, my self thirsts for is the living God. God must come to me. He must. I must find Him, have Him. My body calls to Him, come now. I wake up at 330, find Him. I fall asleep, pursue Him. I sit and hunger, desperately consuming, as if famished and seated at the banquet, eating; more and more. The longing of my soul finding Him. Hours can pass, still more, more Lord, I must have You.

David, Saul and Israel - all live through me

2010-10-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Each of these names represents a way in which we relate to God.

Israel was the nation of complainers and doubters. When brought out of Egypt they complained to God about His goodness. When told they were going to inherit the promise land they doubted God. When suffering they questioned God.

Saul was a man who did things his own way. He thought he could do better than obedience. He thought that he could improve upon God's will.

David was a man who after being anointed king, was persecuted by Saul, lived in caves, fled for his life and never once blamed God, complained to God, doubted God, or even questioned God. I am amazed when I read over the life of David, no matter what the circumstance He trusted and believed in God. When times were tough, he didn't curse God, he prayed for help. When he was wrongly treated he didn't complain but sought refuge in God. When he was faithful and his family was taken from him at Ziklag, he didn't sit down and cry angry deservingly to God (like God, I have served you faithfully, living in caves and with the Philistines, fighting against them, and this is how you repay me). No, David did not ask the question why do bad things happen to good people, or why is there so much suffering (as if pointing the finger at God). He simply prayed, sought the Father, and trusted in Him.

When I first came back to the states 10 years ago, I was Israel, complaining, mad, expecting and entitled. I doubted God, questioned His goodness, forgot His plan and His ability. Soon that bitterness turned into self empowerment and Saul took over. I figured God could not do the job. I decided I would give it a try and leave Him on the side; that did not work out. Recently the spirit of David has taken over. I am walking in a new light, a new life; one that is confident, unquestioning, unentitled, hopeful, and understanding.

I finally feel whole again. I was made to walk with God, to trust God, to find hope and satisfaction in Him. I hope that when I run, flee, suffer, hurt, and lose, David (the Lion from the tribe of Judah) rises up in me in faith and hope to seek God.

a joyful death

2010-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

i had a dream. i pursued that dream for years. i poured out time, money, energy, thoughts, love, passion, and hope in pursuit of that dream. Last week it died. "consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds." today i get to rejoice, fall before my God and breath. my vision darkened, a desire murdered, all I can do is hope in His goodness.

oh Ishmael how i have loved you, believed in you, cared for you, carried you, and hoped in you - but you are not the promise, you are not the plan, and hands that were once busy with Ishmael are now empty and lifted to heaven. a mind that once was consumed with Ishmael now free to dwell on the goodness and kindness of God. a desire and affection that once cared deeply for Ishmael now turn to Papa.

it is an odd feeling, emptiness and fullness - to have lost something precious to me and to gain something precious to Him.

like i said earlier, trials are priming the pump for this river to flow, one by one they are starting to pull out the river of life.

i do not know why it has taken so long, 10 years, but each day is one step out of a dungeon that has been my home this past decade. 10 years, that is a long time in my world.

life has come to me, light has illumined my path, clarity has removed the fog, passion is removing apathy, faith is replacing fear, destiny is overcoming uncertainty, God is becoming mine and I am becoming His.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGMOKBki56k&p=BBE573A18F953F69&index=3&playnext=3

i know that i know

2010-10-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

one day and for many years i was

lost. wondering. wandering. searching. doubting.

then one morning He woke me up...

found. sure. directed. possessing. confident.

for so long i have been trying to figure out who I am and what it is that i value and would give everything for. for the past decade i have been wandering, circling the same set of values, courting the same mistress, hoping that one day it would be glorious. but it never worked. in my heart i knew who i was and why i was created but i was lost and i could not figure out how to get home. everything of value was gone, its like i had left it and could not find it or reclaim it. i tried. I tried to rekindle my first love. I tried to enjoy God. I tried to enjoy the hand that feed me. But i could not. i dont know why. I just could not for the life of me do anything about it.

maybe it was the cries for help, or the carnal pursuit that caused Him to remember me. maybe it was the seal on my life that caught His eye; that eternal seal, the one that is never broken or forgotten. it was screaming out, weeping, desperate, hungry, beaten and lifeless-it was calling out and He could ignore it no longer. yes, it was the image of His Son pierced for my sin tattooed on my soul that caught His eye. yes it was the very DNA, the memory of Him forming and fashioning Me that cried out. whatever it was, He came to me and blew life into these dry bones. whatever He did, I am His; restored to His courts, enjoying Him and finally forsaking all this world has to offer. i do not needs its money, its approval, its safety, its comfort, or its praise - they all pale dimly in comparison to Him.

i am His offering. i am His messenger. i believe.

everything has come to life. His word is fresh, my call renewed, my life restored, my passion resurrected. the shackles of fear and the bondage of want no longer hold me. trials and action will now come to pull out what lives within for the world to see and i am getting ready. the true power of what takes place inside is when life's testing draws it out. my well has been empty, my river dry for so many years, that only anger and barrenness could spring forth for others, not anymore - the river of life is rising.

internally my spirit cries out, anytime, anywhere, anything or any reason, You speak and I will say yes...and now my spirit will soon be tested and refined, lived out in real life - that truth revealed in power.

last night i dreamed that i overcame fear. the thought was this, pain will come and go but fear is forever. humm...i am so tired of being fears slave...the pain may or may not be real but one thing is sure, it will not last forever and it has a reward; fear is crippling, demanding, evil and punishing...fear is now my enemy and will be defeated by joy and love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8dlg5yBywo

obedience and suffering

2010-10-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have failed every test I have faced for the past 10 years, at least it seems that way. Why? Because James tells me to count it all joy when I am faced with trials. Not once, have I gotten on my face before Father to thank him for suffering and trials. In fact, every time I have whined and complained about how mean and unfair He is. No wonder I keep circling back for the retest. I have had this crazy idea that obedience would be void of suffering. I mean us Christians always seem to equate pain with punishment and usually coming as a result of disobedience or bad karma (even though we dont say it we live it). Let's face it, if we are suffering we must be doing something wrong, because blessing, I mean real blessing can't contain suffering or pain. Oh God help me. Why have I been sucked into this comfort mindset? Why have I avoided pain and as a result disobeyed? Do you see it? Do you sense it? I am programmed to know that disobedience brings pain and suffering and punishment, but so does obedience and that flies in the face of everything I know. Jesus led by the Holy Spirit went into the desert to suffer. Jesus led by the Holy Spirit gave His life on the cross. Paul said his suffering was to fulfill what was lacking in Christ's sufferings. They told Paul if you go to Jerusalem you will suffer, he didn't care.

I had a friend who went through some tough times financially doing what he thought God had told him to do, I scorned him and told him it was not wise to put his family through that. Wow, the gall. If God told me to flip burgers for $8.00 an hour is that $8 of obedience not better than making $100 an hour in disobedience?

Here is my revelation and my humiliation. I need to obey even when it involves suffering, or suffering comes with it. Count it all joy. Obedience at all costs. I do not want to suffer, I want to explain suffering, I want to show people that the blessed life comes without suffering...but that is not the case. It is not truth. The blessed life is packed with trials and tribulation, and in its end I will get the crown of life. I can not understand it, but I can trust Him. I do not understand suffering or pain but I know He loves me. Oh how rich is suffering and I have scorned its wealth for years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98LcbCkhqJs&list=QL&playnext=4

returning

2010-10-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

I see my reflection in a pool in a desert that I thought was in a field of glory. I have journeyed long and far thinking I was going somewhere, determined that I would end up in a new and magical land; a destination of peace and rest of courage and hope of completion and satisfaction. Along the way I have abandoned tools, convictions, advice, promptings, simplicity, and spirit, in effort and determination to arrive. I have refused directions in exchange for self guidance and arrogance. Pride and inner boasting have spurred me on. I walked. I walked aimlessly gathering experience but not expertise, beaten but not strengthened, deceived but none the wiser. Where was I going? What was I trying to prove? What was I trying to avoid? It has been so long that I have forgotten why I started this journey. Memories of before are pleasant and romantic; any sting is long forgotten, only faint smells of the Rose of Sharon and glimpse of smiles. In my desire to lead, I am lost. In my conviction of right I have been proven wrong. Those whom I forced to follow are tattered and hurt, disillusioned and confused, defeated and defenseless. I have accomplished; I have succeeded in everything I did not want. I have arrived at the destination I fled from. The person I despised, I have become; the things that held no value, now posses me. And that which was priceless was tossed aside. Faith became fears slave and I its Yes man. What was once light is now dark, very dark and fields of grass are now dunes of sand. The water I carry no longer satisfies. The glamor that clothes me is now filthy rags. I once had a dream that ruled me; a dream of hope and promise but it too has been lost in this desert. This water that I stare into reflects truth, for without it I see what I want and what I desire. I can not start over. I can not reverse time or retrace my steps. But this I can do; I can find my way home. Today love and mercy have carried this cripple to the pool of Bethesda for me to see. There is nothing out there that can help inhere. Nothing over there can heal under here. No well to satisfy that which is supposed to flow from within. I have no kindness to offer Love and Mercy. No directions to give to the Captain of my soul. No water to share with the Fountain of life. I have nothing to pursue only the Way to follow. I have nothing to acquire for I am possessed and having everything.

This is enough: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHNMoy7PKHM&feature=related

Beautiful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhL5SDwp88c&feature=related

worship's lens

2010-09-25T06:14:00.000-07:00

"you, my brothers, you were called to be free...serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a SINGLE command:"Love you neighbor as yourself." Gal 5:13-14

i put on some headphones this morning and found some Hillsong worship music on YouTube and God gave me new lenses to see life.

worship isnt just about saying thank you to God, or giving Him praise, it is about seeing life the way He sees it. we always marvel at how Elijah had the servant see the angels that surrounded them when they were surrounded by the army. worship affords us the same power and privilege.

when we worship we see things differently, our body physically responds to Him, the atmosphere literally changes, our emotions find harmony, and our soul stops to rest. Seeing as He sees. Feeling as He feels. Resting as He rests. Hearing as He hears.

Spend some time seeing from the other side, lost in His perspective.

English: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSCE8uLuTJY

Spanish: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUYAVHXb8XI

Time

2010-08-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

I am busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Full time college student. Full time job. Full time hubby and dad. I woke up today needing to get organized because things in my life are being neglected; my time with God, my time with kids, my time with wife, etc. Everything is buried under the thought of tasks. I am going to better manage these tasks this semester. I am creating a calendar and just going to plan everything as best as I can. No wondering. Just doing.

Lord, I am so glad you are big. I need a big guy on my side now. I love to learn, I feel like I am in the constant discovery of You through what you have created. I love you. Let my time with You be fruitful and filling. May it come to a place where I have eaten and reconnected to your eternal yoke.

Come, gain strength and find comfort, rest in faith and belief. There is a river that flows for you and in you. I will. I do. I have done. Its ok. The path is good. I am here.